Birthday time again

here i am once again with my post birthday post. It is funny i went back and read my post from a year ago and i wrote something then that i wrote to clint not two days ago, that i always felt this place i am in now would never come and when it did that i would be ready for it and the fact of the matter is that i am not. Yesterday was so much fun, i went to class went to lunch with janiece and cass, had dinner with the dinner group then we all went bowling and made a cookie monster. Daniel was even able to come cause he didn't go ski yesterday, it was nice. But despite being surrounded by people that i know care about me I kept slipping into thoughts about my life and how dissatisfied i am with how some of it has turned out. I feel like last year i thought that by this time i would have figured something out, that something would have changed, but i am still stuck i am still stuck in a place i can't seem to pull myself from not even with outside help. There is no doubt in my mind that i have changed in the last year, that i have learned valuable lessons that i hope i don't forget. But there is something more that hasn't been reached that should have been by now. I feel incomplete. And not just that, the onset of age frightens me, it makes me ache that things won't stay the same that people are going to get married, that my family will disperse further, that i will move on too. One day i will come home to an apartment that cass won't be in, and i will come to college without matt being there. I know i should embrace the transient nature of human existence but i can't i just want to cling to the comfort of my rut. I wonder if this will ever change, if a new year will ever bring me excitement instead of dread and sadness.