Happy Birthday Diana!

today is my dear siss' birthday she is 21! that is crazy to me

i had to kill a spider it was scary.

so this evening we went to dinner with the whole fam which ended up being a party of ten! crazy but so much fun while eating we discussed our trip next summer to italy! italy!!!!!! YA KNOW THE ONE IN EUROPE!!!!!!!! i am so ridiculously excited because i have never been out of the country and it is freaking italy for goodness sakes we will be staying in Tuscany renting a villa there and it will be the whole family so i am excited.

This weekend has been quite pleasant on friday my parents and I went to The Devil Wears Prada, which was descent i thought not my favorite but still good and today i just hung out at home with everyone Andrew finally got back from scout camp so that was nice and then dinner.

I also went on a walk this evening, i am trying to lose a little weight before i go back so i have been trying to walk around the park near my home and i am hoping to start jogging here in a little bit anyhow i was walking along walk walk walk and it starts pouring so i stuck my ipod under my shirt and walked home in the rain it was awfully pleasant though i really enjoyed it so there ya go good weekend and dangit i have to work tomorrow but only a half day and then i get tuesday off so yeehaww and monday night we are having our cheese party so if anyone has any suggestions for good cheeses let me know ok i am out

The Perfect Evening

nellie passed away on saturday morning Cecil her son came and told us monday morning i don't think it really hit me until today when they moved herbed out of her room and started packing things up.

life goes on i suppose

last week was really fun i hung out with whitney and elise for the first time in weeks as well as my older sister it was quite pleasant


i am feeling odd

A Day Off

Tomorrow i have a day off, i am pretty excited about this i will sleep in and then at noon i will go and see my dad argue at his trial. I am excited my dad is a very intelligent man I am excited to see him at work. alright it is time for more star trek

teehee

as Andrew and I settle down for our seemingly millionth episode of star trek today i feel I need to list today's or rather the weekend's finer points so here we go

*I went to a movie that i wanted to see and didn't have to pay for it
*I got a letter from one David at West point
*I made a killer sandwich for lunch today (toasted bread, mild cheddar, tomatoes, sprouts, cucumbers, and romaine lettuce ahhhh)
*I get to go to church with Myrl, Wynema, and Marjorie tomorrow
*i got to sleep in until i woke up on my own today
*today was so magnificently relaxing it was almost too much

there ya go hopefully i will be able to sleep tonight

odd

it is weird what 20 minutes of sleep can do for ones demeanor


i am feeling pretty good now and glad that it is only 2:00 in the afternoon and my day of rest is only half over i hope i do something fun tonight


i have talked to aaron quite in depth about things that are going on in my life last night we talked about emotion and how for him it is just easier to not feel.

this is something i don't quite understand the way that i have always seen things is that emotion makes up life that with out emotion life is kind of meaningless i don't know i just don't think that would be any way to live to not let yourself enjoy things so as to protect yourself but i do suppose everyone does that to an extent meh


Denzel Washington = Supreme Hottie

grumpy

i am just grumpy today i am trying to figure out why i am not at work i slept until 10:30 i am not hungry or sick, i actually hung out with someone last night i really have nothing to be grumpy about but i am just in a rotten mood.


Last night i went and saw the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie with my friend Aaron, although the movie was quite disappointing i had a lot of fun he is a nice kid.

i really like star trek next generation it is grand

NERD

I wish it was tomorrow so i could watch The Office instead of So You Think You Can Dance

that is depressing

Disappointment

today was kind of crummy i won't lie to ya

I went to some one seeking comfort some sort of respite from the bitterness the day had left me with and they belittled me and my sadness.

I realize that my life is pretty dang good and i am thankful for that, I don't have anything to complain about really and that is great but it doesn't mean that i don't sometimes get sad or depressed or disapointed that doesn't mean that things just don't go wrong

In a friend i expect to be supported and uplifted and of course i will reciprocate

but don't plan on dumping all your crap on me and not lending a sympathetic ear in return

Epiphany : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure

Yesterday was great just an all around good day at church followed by an even more excellent chat with my brothers.

during sacrament meeting we talked about faith
and something clicked in me

i have always had this struggle with ambition and being motivated always, i just can't seem to care, apathy is just something i have dealt with for a long time sunday i think i realized why that is.

I am just scared, i am too scared to try my hardest at anything because if i do and i fail then what am i? sub standard and there is nothing that can fix that if i have tried my hardest i am just a failure.

because of this i just don't try very hard it is not like i am stupid i am actually quite intelligent but it is easier for me to not try very hard and get a 2.8 then try my hardest and only end up with like 3.5 why put forth the effort when i don't think the outcome is worthwhile.

I have found that i have taken the same path with my faith i have failings i have temptations that i have given into but what if i just don't repent well enough what if i just can't get to the point where i feel like i am a good person again even though i tried my hardest. And i do realize that that is a big part of what the atonement is but it is just hard to grasp i guess i just need to try harder.

So i am feeling good i feel like i can fix this that i don't have to be perfect but i do need to try my hardest and even if i don't succeed to where i want to be then at least i know i tried.

deedle doo

Nellie is in the hospital, she has kidney stones. I haven't talked to her yet i want to call her but i am scared.

Death continues to touch me in ways unexpected. A friend of mine found out last night an acquaintance of hers committed suicide a few weeks ago.

We sat and talked about it for a bit I told them about my experience with virginia how hard it is to go into her room and still see her clothes hanging in the closet like she has just gone away for a bit. Brik brought up a good point, it is just a hard concept to grasp.


i have to go to a stinking family reunion today it will suck



Last night was fun I am glad the four of us could get together again I told them about kissing cory they all told me they already knew.

I feel so comfortable around those girls like i could tell them anything and it would be ok

a lot on my mind

last night --- moment of weakness it was a crappy day i was tired and needed to be emo about something

but it was a lot of fun i made a cds for cory and jared so cory came and picked me up and we drove around and listened to his cd only to find out he didn't like any of it so that was stinky after that he forced me to go to his house and watch fireworks and eat ice cream with his family which wasn't half as awkward as i thought it would be, his grandma was there and so i talked with her and that was nice. his family is nice too made me feel very welcome and what not. Conveniently cory has a spectacular view of the valley from his home so we got to see the fireworks from all over it was pimp.


Death has always seemed such a distant thing to me sure everyone dies but my parents are only in there fifties i assume my siblings and friends won't be dying soon. All the sudden death is bearing down on me, the people at my work are so close it is hard for me to know how to act what to say and how to deal with it. nellie thinks she is going to die. She thought she was going to last night, today she was in a wheel chair unable to walk i don't know what i will do if she dies i care about her so much

yeah buddy

at my work they mainly watch The Hallmark channel and today there was a Rawhide marathon although i had never seen rawhide before i must say clint eastwood is a major hottie

Las Vegas

On friday i got up at about six and was off by 10 to seven went and got tricia and we were on our way the drive was pretty uneventful we got to Las vegas about 1:15 their time so not bad after we arrived megan took us to a place called the elephant bar for lunch it was quite delicious. after that we went to Whitney's (the girl who got married) and helped with food and cleaning and all that jazz and then continued to the church where the reception would be held and set up until around 10:30 after that we went and got something to eat and then went down to the strip.

I can't begin to describe that experience walking on the strip only two things crossed my mind: one, this town all it is is sex and money and two get me the crap out of here. i think i was just stunned by the gaudiness of it all it is just the complete opposite of what sandy is, it is huge and flashy and dirty everything smells like cigarettes and alcohol and there are half naked woman running around everywhere NASTY!

we didn't get home until around 1 so it was a very very long day

on saturday we got up at 9 had breakfast went and helped at the church some more me and tricia went and got the cake then went and waited outside of the temple for whitney and jeff it was nice

so jeff's little brother was really cute and we talked a little he was really sweet though during the reception i went into this little side hall at the church and just sat down to decompress he walked by and we chatted for a bit he asked me what i was doing and i said i needed some alone time and he got out of there pretty quick probably not the best idea to tell him i wanted to be alone but meh anyway so during the reception he made a speech and recited a poem that he wrote for whitney and jeff that was pretty impressive to me i only know of one boy likes poetry and that is my brother so after i saw him sitting alone at a table and i went over and talked poetry with him this was a half an hour after he had taken Shayli my new little four year old friend out onto the dance floor

needless to say this boy definitely sparked my interest but alas he lives in virginia and i have no way of contacting him meh

after the reception we cleaned up and then went to megan's went to sleep woke up and started driving ok i am off