Its been awhile

but here i am thanksgiving was great spending time with whit and david was awesome andi am glad i got to see my family i miss them a lot i think during christmas i am going to spend more time with them and lesstime with friends i felt like i wasn't hardly home at all last week and it made me sad. Jacob came over this evening and we painted his paints don't ask me while we were waiting for it to dry he started talking about how america is so corrupt and all this stuff and about how what is happening in guantanamo bay is retarded and all that and i was like ok ican deal with this yeah we aren't exactly treating people the way we should and it is wrong i agree with that but he just kept railing into the US and i kind of got offended, it was weird i have never really felt very patriotic but tonight i did. i don't neccessarily agree with what president bush is doing but he is our president and we should support him that is what i think. so yeah i got all "proud to be an american" on him which was weird like i said before i guess deep down i do value my freedoms very deeply and yes there is corruption in our government and people suck that is a given but the bottom line is i love this country and i am happy to be a part of it. so there is spiel i am a dork it is true. tomorrow me and jacob are ging to a college democrats meeting it should be interesting i can't imagine that there will be many people there so it should be cool and the guy who runs it seems like a nice enough guy they even have a blog on blogger here is the address in case anyone is interested
http://byuidems.blogspot.com/

alright i am out

So Good

It is so nice to be home i can't even describe it it is like putting on a massive blanket straight from the dryer ahh i hung out with david and whitters tonight i miss them. I am having fun but i can't get rid of the ache i don't know if it is because i am so close to him or what i just keep thinking about him maybe it is all these places that i have been with him i hurt and i hate it.

SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM GOING HOME TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND EVERYONE IN MY FAMILY THINKS I AM COMING HOME ON WEDNESDAY EXCEPT FOR JAMESY AND IT WILL A BIG FREAKING WONDERFUL SUPRISE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

n/a

decent weekend, bad night tonight kind of sucked it is my own fault stupid myspace i don't know why i keep checking up on him. Actually I do know why it is because i want to see if he is still over me to see if i can catch one hint of feeling left for me. What makes this all so much worse is that i can't get him out of my head he is always there in the back of my mind and he is in salt lake having sex with my sister's roommate i probably haven't crossed his mind in weeks and it makes me ache. It kills me to think that in one short month he can pretend like six months of his time didn't happen i should be happy that he isn't upset that he doesn't have to suffer but why can't i freaking get over it! maybe if i didn't feel like he is the only person in the world who could possibly find me attractive, the only one who could love me like that. i wish i could find someone up here a rebound i know that is awful but that is what i want right now someone to make me hope again i hate that i am dreading going home because i know the likelyhood of me seeing him is high i hate that my holiday with my family is tainted that way. ok sorry i am being so stupid right now i just get in moods i was doing so well for a while there i just want to be happy and not think about him ever again.

Yes

I went to a bookclub tonight i am very excited about this we are reading the great gatsby i have already read it but i am still excited. i also went to another poetry reading which was ok i was really impressed with some people and not as much with others but i suppose that is how it goes i am getting nervous for thanksgiving i really really really don't want to see charles buterflies i have butterflies anyhow. yeah i don't want to see him i think i would cry which would be bad diana's roommate mary is staying with us and he is friends with her what if he wants to see her or something what if he wants to hang out with whitney ACK grr anyhow ahh tomorrow is friday and i am going to a movie with ms allison she is attepting to persuade me to ask cafeteria boy to it with us but i am so scared of him i haven't even spoken with him AHH rejection is most certain.

Revolt

So i commited my first major act of rebellion up here. I snuck out. Anyhow so last night cass comes home and sh is talking to her exboyfriend on the phone and she was just bawling. so finally she gets off the phone at like 1 and we sit and talk about what all is going on and then she called nick up to tell him some things that she has procrastinated telling him so they talk until about 2:30 and then cass goes catherine do you want to come to breakfast with me and nick? and i was like sure so we snuck out and met nick and a friend of his from home named matt and we were on our way to idaho falls it was a lot of fun we ened up driving around for about an hour and ahalf before finding a Denny's so we ate and got home around 5:30. Me and matt sort of hit it off like not anything big but we have quite a bit in common. on the ride home i am not sure if it was becausei was tired or what but i felt like there was something there does that make sense? all day i have been telling myself not to get my hopes up and voicing this makes me feel like i am jinxing it. i saw him before biology today he was there talking to a counselor he is coming here for winter semester i am excited he is a very nice boy. I have done a lot of writing today it has been nice i can't remember the last time i sat and wrote like i did last night and today it was very pleasant.

I roll the window down and then begin to breathe in
the darkest country road and the strong scent of evergreen
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home
Then looking upwards I strained my eyes and tried to
tell the difference between shooting stars and satellites
from the passenger seat as you are driving me home

Do they collide? I ask and you smile.
With my feet on the dash, the world doesn't matter.
When you feel embarrassed then I'll be your pride
When you need directions then I'll be the guide for all time
for all time...

-Death Cab for Cutie, Passenger Seat

another

ok i know ialready posted tonight but hey anyhow jacob came over to study and as usual we ended up talking instead of studying anyhow so we talked about this girl back home that he has liked since he was 14 crazy eh? and then we had a much to long conversation about how easily he gets turned on it was awkward and funny and my face is still bright red anyhow yeah so this girl and he never made a move on her and he talked about how he would get so shy in front of her and all this stuff and i just couldn't believe it because it is jacob mr. never-inhibited-so-talkative-you-want-to-slap-him i just couldn't wrap my mind around it i guess everyone gets that way sometimes yeah thats all good old jacob i think i would be very sad if i didn't know him he is a great kid.

Anti Anti Social

That is what i was today. so i guess i was social but i don't like saying that so we will stick with anti anti social. Anyhow so i've been having some issues with amana as of late because i was kind of a jerk to one of her friends a few days ago so i let her stomp around the house for a few days but today i spoke with a dear friend of mine back home and she kinda knocked some sense into me so i went and apoligized to amanda and explained to her how i was feeling. I often feel that when i am around her group of people especially the guys they refuse to speak to me it is frustrating becasue the least they could do is say hi but they don't even do that. So i haven't been very pleasant to these people i figure why put up a front right? well this bothered amanda a lot and that is understandable. so this evening before dinner we hashed it out and at dinner i was nice to those people that i don't particularly feel good about. Honestly it was one of the harder things i have ever done just because i had to go out on a limb one of my greatest fears is rejection and that was a big thing i had to confront this evening. i went and introduced myself to these people who had previously treated me like a nothing and it felt good. In fact it made me happy, it was nerve racking and i had to talk myself into it but i did it and i feel better. So there ya go my accomplishment for the week oh yeah here are some "modeling" pictures me and jacob took today he is a dork but look at his awesome pants!! ah yes and icsicles.

BWHHAHAHA

http://www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames/index.html

just do it you know you want too it is worth your time i promise.

Faster

So tonight was fun went to this show with alli once again i was very impressed with the bands that rexburg has to offer. we saw the belefaunte, the handsome, love you long time, and national holiday all very good excepts i didn't really like national holiday they were all pretty 80's-esque ya know synthesizers keyboard drums (diana remember running around the house cleaning to the keyboard drums? good times) that sort of thing but i love it so it was awsome and only 3$ which was very nice saw some very attractive males while at the show one in particular looked like mark ruffalo but more nerdy and so very attractive i wanted to talk to him but alas i am a weiner so yeah. cafeteria boy talked to me. he said "excuse me" and i said "pardon me" and then i almost passed out. thus proving that i am not only a weiner but also a giant dorkette yes good readers that is the feminine form of dork that i just used. not the attractive kind either the kind that should be locked in a closet so humanity doesn't have to experince the painful awkwardness that encompasses their entire being. In other news i touched someones butt today. I have decided that there are three types of dancers at shows i wish i could/knew how to put video on this thing casue then i would demonstrate but i will just have to describe anyway three types

1. The Head Nodders-nods head arms generally folded across chest entranced look on face think they are "cool" i think they are dumb.

2. Spazzes- flailing limbs and hair enthusiastic/euphoric look on face skankers and crunkers included

3. Trying to Fight the Music--ers(ok doesn't work as well as the others but you get the point)- stand with hands in pockets with the occasional twitch to the beat of the music, foot tappers are included in this group

I generally categorize myself in the third group seeing as i have no rythm at all but tonight i admit i had some spazzy moments and i was tapping my foot pretty enthusiastically.

now i do realize that living in rexburg idaho has probably severly warped my views as well as sheltered me from what is actually going on in REAl shows in non bubble like towns so if you feel my list is inaccurrate let me know cause chances are you are right.

another young man i found attractive this evening looked wuite similar to an ex boyfriend of my dear sister except the guy at the show was all emoified maybe he only looked like adam becasue he had longish curly hair maybe i am crazy

random i know anyhow hope everyone is well

Lazy Day

ahh woke up at 12 i have sat in this chair since then reading blogs writing e mails etc. we got a "Q" last night so we can't have boys in here for a week but personally i am not to upset about that meh ahh ok i guess i will go back to listening to my roommates and her friends talking about going tanning YARG anyhow i am going to a show this evening that i am pretty excited about. ok maybe it is time to take a shower or a nap or eat chocolate or read my book or sit in my bed and listen to music i love saturdays it smells funny in here.

dakota likes to blow dry his hair

red poppies

So my evening was quite nice until about 10:30 then it went all down hill so i will tell you the good parts. jacob came over at 5 to do this math project then we went to dinner at six nick came over and we went to a poetry reading done by some of the english professors it was SO GOOD one of them was a lady who read an essay she wrote, she spoke about being an adult and she reminded me of a story found in Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine where an old woman is confronted with a child who is so sure that this woman was never a child in the story the old woman continualy searches for relics of her past to no avail until she is convinced as well that she has had no childhood. in the lady's essay she talked about how as an adult her memories are disappearing because young people see her as an adult and only an adult. This also reminded me of a story my mom has repeatedly told me and my siblings, at my grandparents home there was a massive pine tree in their front yard and my mom would frequently tell us that when she was a kid she used to be able to jump over it. Me and my siblings would always kind of mock my mom because of this statment and not until last night did i realize what we were probably doing to her. I admit i do find it dificult to see my mom as a child or even a young adult in her twenties. All this makes me sad because i can already feel myself becoming this way with out a childhood i am growing up and i am not sure i like it.

Today has been good i spoke with jacob this morning and everything is fine again this morning he was dressed very nicely and had a red poppy pinned to his lapel. i asked him what it was for and apparently november 11 is rememberance day in canada a day to remember veterans and those who died in wars etc. jacob then proceeded to ask me if i would like to go to a service for it with him so i agreed it was very nice some poems were read and i recieved my own red poppy to wear on my coat what hit me most were the tears that streamed down jacob's face as this poem was read

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

i suppose i just don't have much of a concept of patriotism reguarding other countries to see him have that much respect and love for his country was a very nice experience.

Another thing i found out last night on a sadder note is that my dear adam admason will not be joining us for winter semester i am quite upset by this but at the same time i completely understand. I am very pleased with the way this post turned out and the only way to end it is with some pictures.





One more thing i read this on a bllog ad thought it was humorous

Geraldo Rivera, from his new show "Geraldo at Large," about a man on trial for the abduction, rape, and murder of an 11-year-old girl: "Can you believe the unmitigated gall of this savage, savage monster... [five-second pause] ... if indeed, he is guilty."

bleg

another fight with jacob he made me mad this time not willing to go into details it is too humiliating This Hormonal House had another explosion this evening one of epic proportions my thoughts and prayers are with dear amanda hope everyones night was better than mine.

Warm Stairs, Cold Night

What a pleasant day i have had. i don't want to destroy its wonderfulness by reiterating it but just know i feel good today. One of my roommates dad's came and visited today he was hilarious I want to marry someone like that. I found a new band called Pedro The LIon it is amazing jacob gave me two of their cd's i will post some lyrics at the bottom of this post. Yesterday me and jacob had one of the best talks i think we have ever had. In the first days that i met him i was amazed he was the only person who i had met that would talk politics with me we didn't talk about dating or "hooking up" we talked about life about real items of importance not the fluff but the good stuff. Tuesday was like that he said catherine you know i care right? For a while i didn't think so but i came to the realization that he does but he does it in his own way. What a boy, I will be sad to see him leave at the end of next semester because i know i will probably never see him again. I didn't intend this to be about him but here it is he stopped by to see me while i was at class and left a note saying "catherine i dropped by to say hi and to tell you i love you long time" he is an odd ball but sweet none the less. I love being his friend it makes me feel special and valued i love being able to talk to him anyhow ahh so i am kind of attracted to someone his name is clint it is weird i sort of feel guilty about it maybe because i feel like i am not completely over charles meh. well i am getting sleepy i know i already posted this picture but here it is again because i love it.



"When They Really Get To Know You They Will Run"

what makes you think
that it won't grow back
in a day or two
husbands in winter
they know the truth
but what can they do

i don't like girls the way they are
so shave their legs
and make them look like movie stars
then we can pretend it's natural

put on whatever makes you attractive
if it's not you then do it for the sake of fashion
your friends like a certain you
that's who you've got to be

junior high legs
blonde hair gone brown
from removing it
waxing since thirteen
wisdom from a beauty queen
her tiara diggin deep in her head

i'm starting to think that i'm kind of shy
or at least i'd like to be

winter legs give me heart attacks
so take it off with lasers
so it never comes back
then we can pretend it's natural

Petty

petty, trivial, insignificant, not worth my time or tears all of this describes my evening, not even my evening just like maybe 5 minutes of my evening so i studied all evening until around 11 adam phoned and said he would like to go ona walk with me and alli. ok first i have to clarify some things so this morning i told amanda that alli had a ttempted to kiss jacob last night and i asked her to stop calling alli a lip slut etc. and she agreed i guess amanda asked alli if it was true (not saying who told her about it) and alli guessed it was me so alli approached me this afternoon and said that amanda had asked her about it and called her a whor or something like that. so i was peeved because i had asked amanda to stop calling her that sort of thing and i thought i had told her that information in confidence. ok back to tonight, so jacob comes barging in right before we were leaving and we all go out in the courtyard and i went over to talk to adam and alli was talking to jacob and i could hear her asking him why he told me that and i went over to jacob and he wouldn't look at me and i was like jacob look at me look at me and finally he looked at me and i could tell how dissapointed he was in me and it hurt so badly and i asked him if he still wante dto go to devotional with me tomorrow and he said yes so that was a good sign i guess so i just toldadam and alli i didn't want to go on a walk anymore came home cried in my bed took a bath and a sleepping pill that is obviously not working and waited for amanda when she got home i asked her exactky what she said to alli and she said that she asked her if she had tried to kiss jacob etc. i also asked if she had called her any names or anything like that and amanda swore to me that she hadn't alli's manipulative side is becoming more and more evident to me. i decided i need to either leave this school or move out of this dorm next semester i can't do this anymore. the thing is is that it is all so trivial this is like high school it truly is i shouldn't care so much about all this shit but i do i care about jacob's and mine friendship i care about alli even the she hurts myfeelings and manipulates me i still care i wish i could get rid of it i want to be able to be totally and completely apathetic.

Not Bad

my day was not bad sucked it up during volleyball but aside form that and the tumor in my mouth i am doing pretty good. I would take a picture of it but it is nasty the thing in my mouth that is. are you ready for graphic details? so i was poking it today and i poked it some more and it exploded a little and puss came out so gross i don't know wether to go to a denstist or a doctor so i am talking to my mom tonight. ifeel like iam some what preparedd for my biology test tomorrow but i am glad i will have all day to study my health test on the other hand i am not feeling too good about but i will just study my butt off tonight and hopefully i will do well maybe i will take a little nap i am posting now so i can focus on studying tonight bleg blog bwhahahhaha i am in a weird mood anyhow oh and jacob told me alli tried to kiss him last night which was weird but not suprising he is a good one that jacob

my darn camera refuses to cooperate so no pictures for a while grr anyhow hope everyone is well today and good night

Whitters

This blog is dedicated to my best friend Whitney. if i was a lesbian i would marry her hands down. she knows me better than any one else the only exceptions being my Sister and my Mother. last night adam let me use his phone to call her because mine is not working (dropped and sat in a bucket of water for who knows how long) i heard her voice then started to cry. i am nnot sure what it is maybe the fact that she pulled me out of a place i hated being in during the spring or maybe it is becasue we really are that similar regaurdless i love her and i cannot beigin to say how grateful i am for her friendship and love. i can only recall one time when i was angry with her and the oonly reason i was was because i was jealous of how much time she was spending with another girl. sounds ridiculous. i cannot wait to go home so i can have a close friend again one that i know i can trust one that i know wont hurt me.


i spoke with my older brother this evening he is stdying for the LSAT right now he is trying to get in to berkley anyhow he told me we both need to buckle down for the next three weeks and just work our butts off it got me thinking about how much oppurtuniy i have here and i wish i would have realized it sooner i could do anything i want with my life i could go anywhere i wanted to with my education and i am literally throwing it away why becasue i am lazy plain and simple i am lazy it bothers me so bad i hate myself becasue of it the worst partabout it is that i can do something about it but i never do becasue i am just so FLING FLANGING LAZY gosh i despise myself sometimes i am determined to do well on my tests this week if i don't get b's on both of them i am not leaving my room except for food and classes for the next three weeks i am just going to study all the time until i go crazy. what the heck am i going to do with my life next year?

Sleep

that is all I want sleep becasue when i sleep people don't annoy me i don't have to think i can just donothing worry about nothing just sleep ah sounds like the only solution can't wait to go home grsh

pop!

so i debated wether to blog about this or not cause it is kind of intense but i need an outlet so this will do. Friday night me and alli came home from wandering about and such and amanda was home she was in quite the pissy mood so i avoided her but alli decided to try and give her a hug so alli went to hugher and amand shoved her and screamed at her "don't touch me" then she left so i go into alli's room and sit with her and she starts to cry and that was ok but then she started really crying like sobbing and hyperventilating and all this so i was pretty worried cause i didn't know what to do so i just sat with her and held her she continued crying and right as i thought she had calmed down she said in such a frusterated voice sometimes i just want to stab myself and cut myself so i was like ack don't know what to do etc. so i was like lets just sit and watch a movie go wash your face and we will just watch this movie and she was like no i am going to take a bath and all i could think about is all the razors that were in there so i told her she couldn't and i wouldn't let her so we watched the movie and everything was ok but i am at a loss ineed to do something but who knows what i can't just leave this what happens when i am not here ? what if everything gets worse. bleck any advice would be useful you know i am at my whits end when i ask a community of complete strangers to help.

Rebellion (Lies)

last night was interesting scott and matt came over we chatted ate pizza etc then matt took me and alli with him to hang out with the people we went to the showwith griff, hilary, megan, tech, etc. they are scenesters i don't know if i like it. I mean it was fun wewalked around andi told tech i would give him 75 cents if he ate 10 1/2 pound burritos from taco bell and then almost threw up like a million times soit was fun but i donn't know if i want to be one of them. Does that make sense? The are all just so scene i don't like it and idon't want to be like that so yeah iwill hang out with them but i am not willing to become good friends with them orbe influenced by them i am ona continual search for some good wholesome nerdsup here that is all i want some nerds, nerds are the best sort of people they are intelligent, generally funny in a dry sarcastic sort of way, they aren't cocky(well most aren't with the exception of charles) they are friends with everyone, they don't judge you, they fix your computer, they don't care what kind of music you listen too so if anyone knows any nerds at byu idaholet me know cause i am in great need of some.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

So as you could probably assume i was a little bitter this afternoon but i feel a million times better tonight. I went to dinner and chatted with jacob for a bit and oddly enough that made me feel better we didn't even talk about what was bugging me just talking with him made me feel so much better. i feel so stupid about my last post i love my roommates i really do but sometimes they just grind on my nerves. i feel really ungrateful i should be happy to have such caring people so close to me not to mention being able to have the chance to continue my education in sucha good environment grr kicking myself for being so silly. Anyhow after dinner i studied and then jacob called to confirm that we don't have math tomorrow (woohoo i get to sleep in!!) i am excited about that and i invited him over so he came over and we took some silly pictures i did his hair cause his hair was cut today




after that matt came over to give me some music and to take some music he is a great kid he sort of reminds me of a boy i dated back home named wesley regaurdless matt is really fun.


jacob left and me and matt just sat and talked about school music etc. it turns out we have the same crazy health teacher so that is cool. anyhow at 9:30 we went to get a bite to eat and then we went to jacob's battleship game it was fun. i don't know what has been wrong with me the last couple of days i have been really mopey etc i don't know if it is the weather or what but i have just felt crappy meh but tonight was good i feel good. so i apologize about the previous posts just ignore them. this is probably my favorite picture i have of jacob i mainly like it becase he is not posing for it

Catherine's list of grievances

1. I hate when people use my computer to watch movies and when i get home i have to wait for them to finish to use it
2. I hate finding my cell phone in a bucket of water so i can no longer contact the people i love
3. i hate when people yell at me for things another person did
4. i hate conflict
5. i hate having to clean the bathroom pratically every freaking week becasue no one else will
6.I hate messy living rooms
7. i hate biology
8. i hate idaho
9. i hate how thanksgiving is so far away
10. i hate whiners like myself
11. i hate sweeping
12. i hate how much she talks
13. i hate how dramatic/childish she is
14. i hate how she has to ask my opinion on everything
15. i hate how she is so cocky

ahhh i feel better already

Slathered in the Sauce, Sarcastic

Gym locker rooms have got to be the worst environments ever. I realized this while attempting not to look at anyone else change this morning as i prepared to go to volleyball. So awkward . I want my mommy

Blind to the Truth

so last night was pretty fun i went to a carnival with cass and nick and their friends it was great fun i was a hardcore kid yeah i know pretty creative i just greased up my hair and put on black makeup hhahahahahhah anyhow here are some pics




a good time was had by all