Another delay, Too many hassels, Where do we go, How do we follow

LALALALALALA i love today i think


went to spanish it was a grand old time as always then i proceeded to finish reading All Quiet On the Western Front made me cry stupid book saw matt and chatted for a bit then ran into good old nick and we went and passed out some book marks 350 to be exact that was a joyous time. after that we walked back up to the ricks building and lo and behold who is asleep on a couch, matt of course! so cass, who was passing, woke him up and matt and I ended up talking for about a hour and a half, it was very pleasant, he is a good person to talk to just funny and down to earth, there is not much pretense about that boy and i find it endearing.

and here comes the predicament, i have reached the point where i need to decide if i want to do the logical thing and keep my distance and maybe back up more or if i should blindly follow my emotions and let myself get more attached and more involved. Things to take into mind: 1. i am going home in a month 2. he won't be here in the fall 3. i might not come back winter 4. i don't know how he feels about me at all, he may think i am the most irritating person on the planet, but like i said he is not one for pretense i don't think he would call me etc if he didn't want to.

mreh i am not going to worry about it tonight i am going to watch prison break and sit close.

dreams

i had an odd set of dreams last night. I first dreamt about matt we were outside somewhere and we just started embracing, we just stayed that way fro a long time it was so pleasant to be held. The next involved diana and preston we were at this beauty pagent that diana was in and preston and i were wandering around the hotel i was trying to find diana and when i finally did i was so happy because i hadn't talked to her yet after i talked to her preston and i decided we wanted to go work out, but preston was in a wheel chair and was paralyzed from the waist down so i went to go get ready and i couldn't find my gym clothes so i just went in jeans, so preston and i lifted weights and then i went to find dia again and she was in this party and at first i couldn't get in and i was so frustrated but then finally the bouncer guy let me in. So i went and sat down with diana and she was a little bit drunk. we just sat and talked about what was going on around us.


i really do not want to go to school today.

i want to stay home and watch buffy the vampire slayer with melissa oh well

oh yes here is the south park version of my family that my brother in law made we are awesome

mreh mreh mreh

yesterday was a decent day i started getting irritated during the evening so i went to my room and read Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli i just adore that book and it made me feel better. at around 10:30 matt came over and he and chris and cassidy and i sat and talked in the kitchen for a good while they are good boys i like hanging out with them it makes me happy we started talking about how we probably shouldn't watch so much Prison Break and matt said well we can just watch it sparingly and do other things to like read a book and talk about it maybe and i said matt do you know how long i have been waiting for someone to say that to me? and he looked at me like i was a freak. hahahhaha mreh

anyhow we decided to exchange favorite books so i gave him my copy of catcher in the rye and he told me to get All Quiet on the Western Front from the library i started it today even though i should be reading Man's Search for Meaning since book club is on thursday (ACK) but i couldn't find it at the library any how All Quiet on the Western Front is pretty good thus far but we will see how it goes alright i am out of here

a moment alone

i see Prison Break taking over my life luckily there are only two seasons of it ahhhh tonight was fun it got me excited for next weekend for some reason. I just can't wait to see dad mom and diana it will be so nice





his name would be wentworth

cont'd

i finally called him at 9:00 with much egging from melissa
he had just gotten home from the gym, he came and got me and steph got some food rented the first season of prison break and it was a lot of fun

this is why i hate being attracted to people because i am thrown into this seemingly endless turmoil of question, it frustrates me

Internal Dialogue

should i call him
um i am thinking no
why not though the worst thing he could be is busy
yes you are right that would be the worst thing because you were ALREADY TOLD THAT HE ISN'T so if you do call him and he says he is busy then you know he is lying to get out of hanging out with you
what is the problem with calling anyway its no big deal
except he might see right through you and decide that you are an over eager crazy stalker who is obsessed with him or something
am not
just wait it out, they said he asked what you were doing tonight, if we wants to he will call
arg!


It's getting late,
anticipation.
If we talk,
communication,
then you know
I ache for you

Yes, sometimes
it's just desire,
another problem that you really don't want, but
anyway, I ache for you

There's no rhyme
and there's no reason.
You know the secret in the back of my skull.
There's no logic
so please believe me.
Love's confusing but it never gets,
it never gets dull.

friday

i am so glad it is friday i can't even describe it

hopefully tonight will be nice and relaxing and tomorrow i will get some work done. last night i looked at my midterm grades and i almost cried i have three A's a B and a C, i have never done this well sad isn't it? anyway today i have a quiz in russian culture that i shoould probably be studying for.

last night i had the weirdest dream it was a classroom setting but there were beds and stuff there we were talking about relationships and ziv and my roommate krista were in one of the beds spooning, ziv kept turning around to talk to me about our relationship then jordan came and handed me some balloons and told me happy valentines day it was weird.

ok i am off to study

sickish

i am not feeling to hot today two of my roommates are sick one with the worst case of the flue i have ever seen and one with a cold i am praying for the cold. i didn't go to grammar but rather came home collapsed in my bed for about two hours not something that happens often. i am so ready for this week to be over and i am so ready for my family to come and visit me for mother's weekend! I just received my letter from jacob in the mail it made me happy i am going to need to do a lot of writing this weekend and send some pictures to some boys lots of fun. well i think i am going to go do some reading for doctrines of the gospel

Distracted

I am sitting here trying to write a paper for my ed class that starts in an hour and i can't concentrate. The classroom near me has a guest speaker talking about drug dogs it is interesting i want to listen i don't want to write my paper.

i am trying to figure out if i want to go home this weekend or not i am thinking not because next weekend is mothers weekend so i will see mom then and i just barely got back from washington i don't think i will go. maybe i will stay home and edit jordan's papers and get some homework done.
last night i had a discussion with cassidy, recently i have found myself increasingly interested in a young man, last night i asked cassidy her opinion on the matter. She said Catherine could you honestly see yourself marrying this boy and i said that i wasn't sure but it was a possibilty, she replied that if i didn't think i wanted to marry him i shouldn't waste my time. This disturbed me, i guess i just wasn't all that aware of my age, she is right though i am to the point where relationships aren't just dating for fun they are now in preparation for marriage. This thought startled me, i am not happy about it, i want to have fun and not worry about marriage
mreh well i best quit procrastinating

What a good weekend

So i was going to go home for the weekend and i was excited but friday afternoon rolled around and cassidy said catherine why don't you just come home with me? and i said ok. so i went to washington for the weekend it was so much fun!! we just hung out with her family and what not and it was totally worth the nine hours there and back, not to mention matt and this guy chris rode with us and that made it a lot of fun as well. I absolutely love cassidy's family they are so nice i felt so welcome in their home. anyway it was a great weekend

As i walked to my first class this morning i reflected on my thoughts yesterday and i realized that i am just a horribly ungrateful person. Here i am at this wonderful university with great friends getting a good education and still i complain. I have so many blessings in my life my family loves me i live in a free country and i have this wonderful church to lift me up. I have no right to complain about something so petty.

In this apartment of beautiful young women it is often times difficult to remain positive about my appearance although i don't think that i am particularly unattractive, after spending many hours in the living room watching all the young men flirt with my wonderful roommates while only stating to me "uhh...I like your cooking" I begin to feel unappealing. I wish i could feel better about this on my own but i will be the first to admit that I need male validation. I need some one to tell me i am beautiful i need someone to find me attractive.

but alas i don't know when or if it ever will again happen

sometimes

i just feel like this

like i said best weekend ever

last night we went to matt's and watched world trade center ate pizza and has some fun:
cass and i


matt

at around 12:20 am it started raining and melissa and i took a walk it was so very nice i love to walk in the rain.
tonight cass and i made some brownies then cass tyleen and i all went puddle JUMPING!!!!!!! it was freaking awesome!




woohoo!! i hope this week goes just as well

Nice and Muddy!!

this weekend has rocked i must say.

last night was amazing i have never seen anything like that i can't even describe it, it was so awesome! after the concert i came home and read the Catcher in the Rye and chilled with cass tyleen jordan and matt then went to sleep, today i took a test went to the gym and then we played football in the mud!!!!! it was freaking awesome!! here are some pictures woot!!
melissa me tricia and krista

I am awfully muddy


fun was had by all

Acoustic Inconsistency

Last night Cass and I went to Matt's house and watched Family Guy for the second night in a row, it was amazingly hilarious i love that show. today has been pleasant i finished all of my spanish crap and i feel pretty good about the dialogue that we did today woohoo!

now i just have to take my religion test bleh we had to memorize ten scriptures i think my favorite of the ten is
Alma 7:11-12
11 And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.
12 And he will take upon him death, that he may loose the bands of death which bind his people; and he will take upon him their infirmities, that his bowels may be filled with mercy, according to the flesh, that he may know according to the flesh how to succor his people according to their infirmities.


Tonight Tricia, Megan and i are going to this dance program that is going on so that should be interesting. Also i am sending david's birthday present today i hope he likes it. alright i am out

smelly boys

boys are stupid they really are. I went to a ward party tonight it was fun, there is this guy, he is a premie he is attractive, too attractive. he has the kind of attitude of King Dave, he knows he is attractive it is so irritating. regardless he is an idiot.

ok that was pointless.

today was a really good day it was like 45 degrees the sun was shining ahh so gorgeous. Despite my fit of insomnia last night i was able to maintain a good level of consciousness in my classes, i am beginning to enjoy grammar more now that i am not so frightened of it. lallalalala anyhow i am off to do some spanish

Streams of Mercy Never Ceasing

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy, never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount, I’m fixed upon it
Mount of Thy unchanging love

Here I raise my Ebenezer,
Hither by Thy help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood.

Oh, to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be;
Let that grace now like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it;
Prone to leave the God I love.
Here’s my heart, oh, take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

Oh, that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in the blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy wondrous grace!
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send Thine angels soon to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

saturday

what a good day

i got up just chilled read my book etc. went to the gym and then i went with the neighbors and their FHE brothers to the Idaho Falls Temple it was absolutely wonderful i don't remember the last time i felt so peaceful. after the temple Jamie took me grocery shopping and we all went and got some food and watched The Ring which was alrightish.

it was a very pleasant day.

Apparently Matt is having a super bowl party right now but i don't know if i really want to go or not mreh

good end to a bad week

today has been pleasant, in russian culture we had russian food day so i had some borsht and pelini and these dumpling things as well as this stuff called kavas or something that smelled like beer but the professor claimed it was non alcoholic regardless it tasted like crap so that was fun.

when i got home from class i just kind of chilled with daniel and lindsey it was pretty cool at around 8:30 Matt called and then came over and we just talked and watched the food network and talked some more. when dan and lindsey got back from getting food etc. we decided to watch phenomenon which was mediocre mreh.
the important part is that it was a superbly relaxing evening and i got to matt a little better and that was nice as well.