bah

I truly despise the last two weeks of the semester.

take for instance this weekend, which i will be spending with Betsy Geddes, Alfie Kohn, Frodo, Strider, Legolas and Gimli

Bah
BAH! I SAY!

i need to write my list of things i have left to do


i need to find a job


i need to get a housing contract for fall

i need to pay rent

i need to explode into a million pieces

mostly i need to go to the gym and promptly forget about all of the above

WOAH!!! here i am post # 501!!!!! how exciting!

this weekend was way fun

my parents and diana came up for thursday friday and left saturday morning it was so very very nice to see them, just what i needed in fact. I always get so sad when i leave them or they leave me though it is kind of silly

saturday i just chilled mostly then dan matt cass and i went to dinner and just hung out. Today was just about the best easter i have ever had, i woke up to pancakes made by the beautiful janiece and then church was amazing. After church we had a delicious supper of roast and potatoes by cass then we just chilled i took a nap hehehehehe after that we decided to go take some pictures at the skate park so here are some of them. over all a pretty darn good day

I just experienced the most worthless 60 minutes of my entire life.


and i am pretty pissed about it

Surprise!

Today as i walked to my biology class i was literally stopped in my tracks by the appearance of bright green grass outside the Austin Building. Despite the three inches of snow we got yesterday it still peeked through and just made my day.

T.S. wholiot?

so i am reading burnt norton by ts eliot for my christian authors class, i reallly like it even though i don't understand it. I bought the book used and on the inside cover is a a name and address with the class name and section of a student who used the book in the winter of 1974. It made me feel strange finding that, I think that is why i like used books so much....who owned it before me what were there thoughts, why did they sell it.... so thank you Lynda Shultz for perspective and for your clean and conscise handwritten notes in the margins.



What might have been is an abstraction

Remaining a perpetual possibility

Only in a world of speculation.

What might have been and what has been

Point to one end, which is always present.

Footfalls echo in the memory

Down the passage which we did not take

Towards the door we never opened

T.S. Eliot, Burnt Norton

Birthday time again

here i am once again with my post birthday post. It is funny i went back and read my post from a year ago and i wrote something then that i wrote to clint not two days ago, that i always felt this place i am in now would never come and when it did that i would be ready for it and the fact of the matter is that i am not. Yesterday was so much fun, i went to class went to lunch with janiece and cass, had dinner with the dinner group then we all went bowling and made a cookie monster. Daniel was even able to come cause he didn't go ski yesterday, it was nice. But despite being surrounded by people that i know care about me I kept slipping into thoughts about my life and how dissatisfied i am with how some of it has turned out. I feel like last year i thought that by this time i would have figured something out, that something would have changed, but i am still stuck i am still stuck in a place i can't seem to pull myself from not even with outside help. There is no doubt in my mind that i have changed in the last year, that i have learned valuable lessons that i hope i don't forget. But there is something more that hasn't been reached that should have been by now. I feel incomplete. And not just that, the onset of age frightens me, it makes me ache that things won't stay the same that people are going to get married, that my family will disperse further, that i will move on too. One day i will come home to an apartment that cass won't be in, and i will come to college without matt being there. I know i should embrace the transient nature of human existence but i can't i just want to cling to the comfort of my rut. I wonder if this will ever change, if a new year will ever bring me excitement instead of dread and sadness.

Weekend?

We have had an eventful weekend!

yesterday we were all going to go this coffee house in Idaho Falls to see Jared's roommate play his guitar, we decided to go early and go shopping first so we left at about 4. When we got there Cass started feeling sick and ended up throwing up a couple of times at the mall. Cass and I decided to go home and left the other roommates in the hands of the Wheelers. We made it home and cass just couldn't keep anything down, At about 9:30 Daniel came over and gave her a blessing and then he and I went to the store to get stuff for her. We got back and she tried some Gatorade and ended up throwing up blood. She called her parents and her dad told me to take her to the hospital. so off we went. She got an I.V and some medication and we were there till about 2. when we got home we both passed out pretty quickly.

I know this is weird but i am so thankful for this experience. It made me grateful for my friends. For Daniel to be able to use the priesthood. for cass and her strength and humor even when she feels like she is going to die. And also for being able to serve the people i love and care about. I don't know if i could possibly ask for a better night than spending it helping cass out. I feel like she has done so much for me and it is a good experience for me to feel like she depends on me as much as i depend on her. I love you miss cass-a-frass and i hope you feel better today!

Tell me about vision

A melancholy song
pulsing in my head
while i grapple with
platonic touches
clarified by a subconcious mind
A Joyce induced paralysis
cements thoughts

oh ben folds you rock my world

Cold that freezes noses,
cracks teeth.
that seeps through
thermals under jeans
and double layered socks

Weather
that is no respecter of persons,
the kind of cold
that squeezes
warm breaths
into shallow icy blasts

Frigid fingers,
tracing ears
and necks

Thoughts While on the Elliptical Pt 2:

I'll
swish swish swish
till sweat and tears
run rivulets
and pain
of body and mind
are one in the same

I'll
swish swish swish
brute strength forcing
iron to iron
till sadness and exhaustion
form some nebulous
ethereal cloud

I'll
shower
emotion away
running down drains
to some unknown pipe
away from complacency felt
just days ago

Tears, Idle Tears

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.

Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,
That brings our friends up from the underworld,
Sad as the last which reddens over one
That sinks with all we love below the verge;
So sad,so fresh, the days that are no more

Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns
The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds
To dying ears, when unto dying eyes
The casement slowly grows a glimmering square:
So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.

Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned
On lips that are for others; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;
O Death in LIfe, the days that are no more!

--Alfred Lord Tennyson

I am taking a break from blogging

I don't know how long i just need to figure some crap out before i continue bearing my soul to the world. Good Luck to all.

I'll have a blue christmas without you

Tonight the impact of the lack of siblings in the house was felt ten fold, dad mom diana and i went and got the christmas tree, as we walked around looking at them diana lamented how she missed andrew and i agreed. We finally decided on a substandard christmas tree and returned dia and left to get the egg nog and only then did i cry and only briefly. We returned and we decorated the tree, and i felt achey but once the manaheim steamroller started playing things felt better. I was going to call daniel to see if he was still in utah and wanted to hang out but i chickened out, we don't really ever hang out just us ever so i thought it might be awkward or something.

Instead i stayed home and made christmas cards and as soon as i pry myself away from stickam (which is like blog lurking times a million and amazing) i will make some mixes and watch stranger than fiction. it should be nice. well i am out

I want to die a little less today

well it is done, the tests the papers the cleaning and now i just have to wait to go home.
today was goodish
i was full of stressy badness and reached my breaking point a lot later in the week than i had anticipated, a hour before my last class i went to the taylor chapel and broke down, i am glad i wasn't around anyone but james called me right then and i talked to him and he made me feel better, he always does.

currently I am sitting in Daniel's apartment with kallen tyleen nick and carly it has been an ok night i have just been sitting on this here couch watching the boys clean mostly i am just tired and kinda hungry. i am excited for tomorrow i get to go home and go with preston to see the King's Singers and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform together it will most surely be excellent. well i don't really have much else (nick, I am watching you hehehhehe)

I want to die

A grand old weekend Cont'd

Holden Caulfield hates the word grand but that is beside the point.

so i thought i would finish up cataloging the weekend because it got even better today. I got up and went to church which was absolutely fantastic and rejuvenating and peaceful and just wonderful. We went to Daniel's and had delicious curry that kallen made for us then matt dan and I all zonked out on couches for a good hour, it was an amazing nap. After we woke up everyone came back over including sadly enough kallen's friends from pocatello who i am not all that fond of but mreh. Nick and Tyleen made amazing peanut butter cookies and Nick and i had an absolutely scintillating conversation about books.....it made my night basically, i forget how much i like to talk to people about literature it is so very nice, after that we came back to tyleen's and they all played games and i talked to my mom who reminded me that i get to talk to my little brother over christmas!!!!!! WOOHOO I TOTALLY FORGOT! anyhow and i read catcher in the rye for a while. then matt and janiece and I watched part of the notebook and her friend Other Matt came over...he is weird...he hit on me...i didn't like it. now i am going to go to sleep and wake up so early and write my paper and go to class and fix my other papers and turn everything in and read animal farm and do ed psych and work and work and work until i want to EXPLODE!!! ahhh i can't wait until friday.

A grand old weekend

this weekend rocked even if i didn't do any homework again. friday we all got together and had pizza then went to the slam dunk contest (not really my sort of event but tyleen wanted to go so meh) then i went with matt to go get ammunition for his gun (HA) after that we played wallyball which was amazing!!! went to horkley's and watched a movie it was quite enjoyable. On saturday tyleen and I went to the store with Kallen then went and worked for a while in the ricks building, after that we came home and just chilled till cass and jared picked me up and we went to lunch. After that i showered and got ready and went with Nick to The Taming of the Shrew, i can't tell you how refreshing it was to be able to do something that i like to do...i guess i will get a lot of that next semester doing FA 100 with daniel too bad he will be complaining the whole time.....

this week is finals week so that will be interesting i am not ready and i am scared that i won't finish everything i keep thinking about it and wanting to just crawl into bed and never come out----one more week one more week i can do it!

pretty lame

I have been pretty bad at blogging since thanksgiving...sorry? I am not sure who exactly i was apologizing to there....
Things have been...interesting. The past three weeks have probably been some of the most difficult of my life thus far, i am just trying to figure crap out about a mission, school, family stuff, boys etc Its funny, the only thing that i figured out really is something that i felt i already new before, I want to be a teacher. That is important to me. I guess i have always thought about it more as a means to an end sort of thing, i was doing it so i could be a librarian. This week i had a conversation with one of my teachers, she told me i needed to become more emotionally invested in my education this is so selfish but i hadn't realized what the impact of my apathy would be, i know that if i don't start caring a lot more i am going to end up being one of those english teachers that everyone mocks and tries to transfer out of their class. That is frightening to me.
well two more weeks that is all i think i can do it, it will be rough but i can.

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me