405

Ahh ok I have a had a lot of thoughts today. Good productive thoughts I think. Some not so good but still good. First off I am deleting Ziv off of my myspace friends list. This is a little juvenile I know but I decided I am through, I don’t want to do this anymore I am done with him wholly and completely, he is not nice despite my efforts to convince myself that is my conclusion, he is not good for me he is not a good friend not even a friend at all he is selfish and self centered I am through this is me Moving On.

Before things started with my first boyfriend I had a discussion with my sister, she had recently broken up with her first boyfriend whom she cared about very much. I was worried about this new relationship and I asked her If the good out weighed the bad in the end and she said whole heartedly that yes it did. Looking back on me and Ziv’s relationship I am not sure if that is the case the past twelve months have been devoted to wasting my time on something completely and utterly fruitless. I am angry, at myself mostly, for letting this joke of a relationship prevent me from enjoying my first semester of college even the slightest bit. I am angry at myself for not being able to find it in me to put aside all that crap and get out of my comfort zone. I am angry that I couldn’t find it in myself to say I am better then this I don’t deserve it. But most of all I am angry that I didn’t have a chance to develop better relationships with some of the girls in my dorm that I am friends with now all because I couldn’t look past my own stupid problems to see them.

I feel like I have rectified myself in this to a certain extent with getting involved in book club and the theater and literature board but that still doesn’t give me back that semester or all that time I spent mourning the loss of something untrue. I feel like I need to make this up to myself some how and I plan on doing that by having a fantastic summer, I am going to work and play and be with my family as much as possible and I won’t be wasting my time on boys that are undeserving. This is the plan, I won’t talk to him, and if possible I won’t see him and it will be done.

This weekend has been great, the memorial today was really inspiring my Grandma was an amazing person I hope I can be like her when I am older.

Three more weeks that is all I have, I am ready to be finished, I am ready for finals, I am ready to be home.
Tonight I talked to my friend Jamie from high school we are going to go see Elise in a mid summers nights dream in may I am excited Jamie is a good kid and I miss hanging around with him, he is extremely intelligent and very cynical and that is why I like him. Ok well it is almost two and I am about ready to pass out the past two days have been incredibly cathartic.