Hazel the Flame-Haired Mudderess with the Heart of Steel

So last night i called jacob as my roommate suggested and i just asked him if he was going to pick me up and he agreed so this morning i said so are you going to tell me why you are so upset and he was like i think you know and i was like let me try and explain how i am feeling so i told him how i felt like he was telling me i had no chance to get married becasue i am not drop dead gorgeous and i told him i was sorry i said he was shallow and that i don't really think that and he said you know what catherine you are beautiful and you are special and i smacked him and told him to stop feeding me lines hahahahahhahah. So yeah and i told him he hurt my feelings on friday and he said i only did that because you were giving me"tude" and i was like whatever yeah so i think we are ok i hope so anyway he was so sweet told me i was beautiful more than once i appreciated that i don't think he understands how much i respect him and value his friendship i wish i could make him understand meh yeah so i am happy and hopefully he is too i suppose we will talk more on tuesday when we go to devotional.

I am not feeling well this afternoon i went to volleyball got dressed and everything and when i got into the gym my stomach was incredibly upset so me nad kristin just decided to skip it so i came home and slept a little but i still felt nasty so i tiik a bath i feel alittle better but not the greatest bleck i don't want to go to bio that is for sure.

Hmmm

Today was alright i went to church for three hours then ate dinner after dinner it snowed for the first time up hear!! Alli was very excited becasue she had never seen snow before:




So we all got in our pajamas and watched movies i feel like a bum we watched Matchstick Men, Better Off Dead, and My Girl all very good but i feel incredibly lazy oh well two hours of volleyball tomorrow will fix that! iam excited it is so much fun. I still haven't spoken to jacob i saw him in the cafeteria on saturday and once again avoided eye contact i am still trying to decide if i really want to fix this or not obviously it is up to me i just don't know if he even cares that much in the first place for all iknow he hasn't given this arguement a second thought for all i know he is saying man i am glad i got rid of that girl. Tomorrow will be interssting he usually comes and picks me up for math at 8 so the question is do i wait for him to pick me up or do i just go to math by myself i sort of want to just go by myself that way if he doesn't come to pick me up but ends up in class i won't looklike such a fool maybe i just won't go to math probably not a wise plan ijust want to avoid him arg i hate that it is up to me i wish he would just come and tell me he is pissed instead of sulking like a freaking child ok there is my rant maybe i will go to bed tomorrow is going to be a cold one!

tonight

Another night in pictures : adam came over at around 9 right as me and alli were leaving for a walk


we went to the gardens and alli and adam had some fun:


after that we went to the science building and found some rooms with interesting things in them:





Alli was sure excited to see that palmtree. we came across the animalroomand had some fun in there





adam forgot to take his a d d medicine so he was bouncing off the walls





Adam got frustrated, alli pretended she was a hooker and me and adam skipped:





After that we went and sat on the heated steps and adam pretended to be a gangster:




overall it was a pretty awesome night

BLEH

So jacob came over tonight to watch a movie with monica but they watched it in our room because ours has more space than hers. so we decided to watch the village and i was like this is cool but i noticed something jacob wouldn't talk to me he wouldn't even look at me he wasn't being blatant about it i doubt if anyone else noticed but he did not say a single word to me the entire night so i guess i pissed him off pretty bad this morning i didn't mean too i thought we ended on good terms but apparently not. whatever this is the reason why i should stay in my room and not have friends because all people do is hurt you you trust them you tell them your opinions and they ignore you that is one of the cruelest things you can do in my opinion is to give someone the cold shoulder it made me feel so insignificant. so around 10 i got sick of it and went to the student union and read my book Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe i have read it about fifteen times but it never gets old i relate to evelyn so much crazy yeah anyhow i feel better now but i am still hurt by jacob i am not sure what to do i am tempted to just let it go and not say anything to him but i do enjoy having him as a friend bleh i will work it out aah blissful saturday tomorrow I just have to figure out how to do this retarded math assignment. goodnight

Every Man Has His Molly

Me and jacob had an interesting conversation this morning. We started to talk about how important looks were for a guy it was weird i have never seen him be so superficial i understand that attraction is important and that i an integral part of any relationship but here is what he said and what bugged me he said when girls look for a husband they look for a sense of humour and financial stability which is fine yeah i agree with that to a certain extent but he compared it with basing attraction solely on looks by saying this he communicated to me that the way a girl looks takes precedence over spirituality, intelligence etc when looking for a partner. Seems a bit of a double standard to me. I think it is easier for people like him and people like alli and amanda to base attractions solely on looks becasue they are beautiful people if all i saw were looks i would never get a boyfriend or a husband for that matter. beauty is so fleeting i find it to be lower on my list of priorities in findng a mate yes it is important to be attracted to the person but jacob dosen't seem to understand the concept of falling in love wih someone's personality, i am sure he was jut trying to make me understand that looks are important to guys but if that is the case i fear i will be single for a long while. Not that i am not pretty i feel like i am decent looking not hideous but there are so many that exceed me in their prettyness. meh oh well i think he is mad at me but honestly i don't care anymore h is not the person i thought he was at the beggining by any means.

last night was interesting i went and watched amanda play dodgeball and then and watched volleyball by myself for a while it was actually pretty nice. when igot home i took a bath and then messed around onmy computer till everyone got home. so that boy i mentioned earlier the one i was scared to contact.. yeah so i emailed him on wednesday night and yesterday he emailed me back then i emailed him and then he emailed me we are getting along well i am finding he is pretty similar to myself which is always nice. last night i called my sister and we talked about charles and her roommate she said her roommate was sick of him and that she was going to dump him but first she was going to milk him for all he is worth by means of free dinners movies etc. i thought that would make me happy but honestly it makes me sad i feel bad for him he gets attached so easily i don't want him hurting anymore than he has too. it also makes me happy that i haven't had the chacne to jump into a relationship up here this is easier being alone and happy is better than being with someone and getting hurt. no one is awake yet ilove it it is nice to be alone ok i am off to the races

One thing taht i am massivelly sick of is people stereotyping people ho don't go out freaking everynight as losers you know what if they don't want to freaking go out they won't it doesn't mean they are socially retarded or are losers MAYBE THEY DON'T LIKE PEOPLE

Jubilee Green

So I just got back from meeting with my counselor my assignment for this week was to write a list of things that i value the most and want to become here it is:

Family
Education
Relationship with God
To love and be loved
Have children
Feel worthy
be happy with myself
learn from my mistakes

He asked me how i could accomplish these things and i gave typical answers---pray more take care of myself better etc. and he said but you are missing a step first you have to decide. Make a decision are these things really what you want and are you going to work for them. he then told me this would be our last session so that made me feel good. My last assignment is to make very specific goals so as to achieve the things on my list. I feel good better than i have in a while i feel like i have control now. I know that i am still going to have a rough time with the whole charles thing and that it can't just disappear but now i feel like i can deal with it. Only i can make myself happy. ahh the sun is breaking through the clouds, literally, hahahahhahah here is the view out my window at the moment:



So last night i made an executive decision and deleted the web site i had to get past the filter so i could get onto myspace it was just making me more depressed soi deleted it ah ok i will post more later i am off to lunch

Boxed Milk

I am craving milk in a box. It is horizon brand chocolate to be precise ahhh i would give my left foot for some of that milk right now. Today was weird kind of good kind of bad. after volleyball i was euphoric i made a new friend named billy he asked me if i played in high school it is always fun to see the reaction on people's faces when i tell them no. i am getting back into the rythm of the game i love it. There is nothing more satisfying than smacking a ball in someone's face. AHHH. anyhow i have begun to forma pattern when i get on my computer first i look at myspace and get depressed looking at charles' and that girl's comments to eachother then i move to Don't Panic some kid's blog that i have book marked then afraid of people then to lunchtime review after that i check facebook and then my hotmail account i save checking my blog for last because that is what makes me happiest. For some reason this afternoon it just didn't cut it and i got a bit sad but nothing that a little alanis morrisette couldn't fit this is my theme song right now:

I want you to know, that I am happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby?
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

1-'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you
To be open wide, No
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me
You'd hold me until you died
Till you died, but you're still alive

2-And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me, Mr. Duplicity?
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face
How quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her?
(rpt 1,2)

Ohh... aah... ahh... ahh...

'Cause the joke that you laid in the bed
That was me and I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes, and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

nice and angry isn't it? hahahhahaha. yeah so as my sister suggested i took a look at this kid's live journal and i can honestly say that i would like to be his friend. I thought ok this will be good i can make a friend who seems inteligent enough and is having some problems of his own but here is my conundrum how do i contact this boy without him thinking i am a stalker or something crazy like that? Now with my luck my sister has also given him the web address to this blog and he will be reading this sometime in the near future AWKWARD anyhow i was going to add him on facebook but i am scared may be i will just do it. it is silly that i can't even deal with rejection over the internet right now depressing, i am sure it will pass with time i just feel like even if i put myself out there to be someone's friend the chance of getting shot down and or hurt are just too great. So there are my insecurities of the moment i hope everyone is having a good night ph and here is a pic of me jordan and nick last night nick is the one in the orange polo and jordan is sitting next to me.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

That is all I am but i will get to that soon enough. Today was good mom took me to lunchand bought me some groceries which was nice as well as gave me some laundry money. she left at around two and jacob came and picked me up for devotional we went to the taylor and watched it in an almost empty room which was nice cause we could talk and what not he is a good one after devotional we came back to my apartment and i got a few pictures of him here they are:




he is a funny kid. We chatted for a bit and then he left. after that i studied until around 5:30 then cass came home an we went to dinner and saw cafeteria boy he was wearing asuit i thought i was going to melt. So i leave the cafeteria about 15 minutes after cafeteria boy and i went out into the quad saw that there was a beautiful sunset and decided tosit and watch. This is where i get stupid. So sitting there listening to music and up from the stairs walks cafeteria boy alone and in a suit i am thinking to myself ok this is your chance catherine you can talk to him no one is around to see how big of an idiot you are so i am sitting there pumping myself up and as he passes i start to freak out and i can't do it. so my one perfect oppurtunity to go talk to him passed up because i am such a giant WEINER, ARG so that is why i am stupid.

I have felt like i have been under control this week but last night i lost it i just feel icky i cried a little moped etc. the nicght is the worst definitely cause i sit there waiting to fall asleep trying to figure out how i managed to get so attched to him and he not to me i feel worthless and like a freaking whore i wish i could get into his head and see if he really is over it hoping that he isn't i want to be able to do that to just have sex with someone and get over him no chance of that not that i want to even have sex with anyone even to just find someone else would be good enough but i can't shake the feeling of his arms around me.


The flames and smoke climbed out of every window
And disappeared with everything that you held dear
And you shed not a single tear for the things that you didn't need
Cause you knew you were finally free

Cause all you see is where else you could be
When you're at home out on the street
Are so many possibilities to not be alone

My Night

So with this newfangled device called the digital camera i am able to show all you readers out there (all three of you) My Night In Pictures tada

First dakota came over and studied with tiffany but i stole him away to read..


after that we decided to have some fun with markers:

isn't he handsome with a mustache. here is a random picture that i took that i quite like of our window arangement. As well as a stunning picture of miss allison.



after that me and cass went to nick's apartment and sat with chris for a while although he refused to take a picture with me he agreed to one by himself as well as let me watch the food channel which was freaking the best ever.


The evening ended with Nick's brother daniel bench pressing nick which was quite humorous to say the least.


All in all it was pleasant evening i am quite tired i hope this works as well as i want it too have a good night

A Quantitative Reasoning Approach

Here is me and cass in our living room as well as cass studying. Today has been good so far. I started my volleyball class today it was really fun amanda's friend kristin is in my class as well as a friend of jacob's that i have hung out with a bit named marcus. I always forget how much i enjoy volleyball until i start playing agian. I believe that much of my lack of ambition is due to volleyball. I was thinking about it during class today my fear of rejection stems from the summer before my sophmore year in high school. That is one time in my life where i can honestly say that i tried my hardest and i worked my butt off. But nothing resulted from it so maybe i have just stopped trying. Nevertheless volleyball was very enjoyable and i am pleasantly sore from it. I am procastinating i just got back form lunch and i need to have my math done and a io quiz completed by 4 i am not sure if that is going to happen. i am getting used to going to math without jacob at first i was hesitant and flat out refused to go without him, but i am getting more comfortable with the people in there etc. ok i am off.

541-314-8592

This is me and alli playing in the leaves, my mom brought up our digital camera so i have that until thanksgiving so there will be more pictures on here. Yesterday was fun me and diana and whitney went to idaho falls and shopped when we got back only cass was here so we chilled with her for a bit and then we went to dinner and a movie. Last night was interesting in that i found out that my sister has been doing things that had previously been unknown to me. I found out that she drinks alcohol, smokes ciggarettes and weed as well as has sex on a weekly basis. It is just odd to me it is hard to swallow all of that coming from a person who i feel is my best friend and i didn't know anything at all. I know she is concerned about how i view her and about how my family views her but honestly i don't care as long as she is safe and happy but i don't think that drugs and alcohol are neccessarily the way to accomplish those two things. i just worry thats all. Today has been good diana and whit left at about 11 when i went to church got back from church at 2 then went to lunch which was delecious. came home andslept an cleaned the living room. My mom arrived at around 6:45 it is good to see her but i am glad i don't live at home anymore it was weird like she kept tellingme to study and to clean my roomand stuff it was odd how bad it bugged me. Jacob stopped by for a second to meet her which was really awkward he had on his new seer sucker suit he looked very handsome. Chris stopped by as well i was glaad he got to meet my mom i like chris a lot. I am sad cass is in here crying while she is talking to her ex boyfriend back home. she is upset becasue she hasn't told him about nick yet and she really is starting to like nick a lot more but she doesn't want to hurt her ex's feelings. Alli was bugging me again tonight i hate how she goes with with jay and jacob it makes me mad and then she comes back and rubs it in my face that two attractive guys are chasing after her I know she doesn't mean too bu that is what it feels like and i think she told adam that i had a crush on him even though i don't he has been acting all weird around me. I swear sometimes she is so two faced i want to be able to trust her and have her be close to me but i can't i can't trust her. sometimes i get so sick of this place it is like high school so stupid so trivial

Bonfire

Ack i know i didn't write last night so i feel bad yesterday was way fun my sister and my best friend came up from utah and told me that charles is having sex with that girl.needless to say that wasn't very fun to find out but i didn't cry so that is good. So we went and ate in the cafeteria with jacob and carly which was fun then we came back to my place and chilled for a bit and then we went to DI (it is a thrift store) when we got back we chilled some more and i was getting nervous because i was afraid they were bored but around nine jacob popped his head in and asked if we wanted to go to the dunes and have a bonfire so we did just that it was fun it was really cold but good. jacob's friend scott went and my sister was smitten with him which is funny cause he is a retard . anyhow we came back and just chatted with cass for a while. Overall it was a pretty fun night i could tell jacob thought my sister and whitney were attractive he was acting so weird it was funny to see him so flustered It is so nice having them up here i miss having someone who is really close to me near by it was sort of depressing cause everyone came over to our house like scott and chris and monica and tonya and the all left didn't invite us to come over or anything like that it was sad cause i had to explain to whit and di that i don't hang out with people very much and how no one really invites me to do stuff but it is ok. Sometimes i like not hanging out with people it is nice to stay home and look at blogs and just chill. this afternoon we are going to idaho falls which should be great fun. alright i must study

Feel Good Inc.

here is a picture of me on a couch in our tiny living room, as well as my babies, my ipod and my ibook.Today was not so bad. So I went to class got out half hour early and some extra credit so i'm glad i actually went today. After that i went to see my counselor which was very effective we talked about the whole charles business and i feel a little better about everything. After that i came home and cleaned and studied for my religion test which went pretty well i got a 87% so that was nice. after that i sat and chilled with cass and nick until 5 then i went to dinner with nick and cass and nick finally got to see cafeteria boy so that made him happy i stayed in the cafeteria for like two hours cause jacob came in right after i finished eating so i sat and talked with him for a bit then matt came in so i talked with him. After dinner adam came over and we chilled for a bit and then me and dakota studied for our bio test for like 15 minutes then i took the bio test which i literally failed for more than one reason in my opinion. First: I didn't really study all that much Second: There were a million people in the testing center and i sort of had an anxiety attack thing going on for a bit i couldn't breathe and my eyes weren't focusing and i wasshaking and all that jazz so i do believe that that severley affected my test taking skills but oh well. so i got back from the test mighty pissed and alli was all what did you get on your test? and it just grated on my nerves so i grabbed my ipod and left. i walked over to the athletic building to watch cass play basketball, amanda play dodgeball, and jacob play battleship. I have to explain battleship cause it is hilarious. What it is is they get about 9 canoes and put them in the pool in each canoe is four people two girls and two boys each of them have a bucket of some sort, the object of the game is not to sink, so they all try and get as much water in eachother's canoe's as possible it is quite humorous not to mention shirtless boys is a plus. Adam showed up for battleship and then we came back to my place and he stole a bunch of my music and we just chatted which was nice. after he left came in and checked my myspace for the first time in a month (adam got me past the stupid filter woot!) and i was looking at charles' profile and then i looked at stephanie's(ho bag who he made out wih many times) and i found more than one comment from him calling her nicknames he used to call me. It was pretty bad i cried for the first time in two days (which is good i guess) but it just hurt why would he do that can't he call her something else it shouldn't bea big deal none of this should be a big deal i hate that it affects me this way i wish i could move on as easily as he did i wish i could just make everything go away.

Love is a Battlefield

Interesting night i had. So my bio class got cancelled this afternoon which was nice so i came home and amanda was all snappy at me telling me i had to go to this activity for church that i didn't want to go to and then she was all like why aren't you in biology in this snippy tone It just preturbed me a bit she was acting like my mother. Anyhow i had to leave the house i was getting so perturbed so i went to the library and i guess James and Dakota must have followed me there because they found me and made me study with them. Then we went to the cafeteria for dinner which sort of sucked cause i was still grumpy but after dinner i went over to Nick's and got to see good old chris which was nice he is the best guy ever. We watched law and order which was fun then i came home and dakota came over to study but like 15 minutes after he came over jacob showed up and saw me stealing some of dakota's music off of dakota's computer and was like let me give you my music so he left with ali to get his music and they returned with his friend jay. it was weird alli and jay were like all over each other on the other couch and it was gross so jacob gave me all this music (i will make a list at the end of the blog) and our toilet exploded which wasn't fun so we cleaned that up and then Jacob was like lets slow dance so i danced with jacob and alli with jay it was fun i like talking to jacob alot i wish he would come over more often when it is just me but oh well. Towards the end of the night alli was really bugging me because she was all over jay but when he left she was all over jacob bleck anyhow it doesn't matter. Then alli left to go to walmart and tiffany came in and blathered on about her boyfriend to jacob while i checked blogs etc. Then me and jacob went down to the loung and listened to the stuff he put on my computer and chatted. At around 11 alli came back and she and jacob went to the boy's lounge to play ping pong and i came home. Overall a pretty good evening. here is a list of stuff jacob gave me the ones with asterisks by them are the ones i really like:


*Arcade Fire, At the drive in, Bill Withers, School House Rock, Cat Stevens, *Earth Wind and Fire, John Coltrane, John Legend, m83, Marvin Gaye, *Minus the Bear, *Pedro the Lion, Sigur Rose, Stevie Wonder, Teddy Pendergrass, and, Yo La Tengo.
All right well i have an 8 o clock class tomorrow not tomention two tests so i am off

12:22

Ah it is so early but i am exhausted i haven't had a nap today so i am actaully tired tonight.Today was pretty good missed my first and only class suprise suprise next semester i am making sure i don't have an 8:00 class bleck so i slept until 10 got up showered and started my 8 page 15 problem math test. So i wrote that til around noon then i went to lunch came back and worked on my test until about 3:30 then i got a visit from one of my neighbors back hoome who gave me a lamp and a bag full of food from my mother she is a good one. Finished the test around 4:15 well i didn't actually finish it i did the problems i could i am expecting a d on it which will be lovely. went tp dinner at five thirty saw cafeteria boy he was wearing a suit it was so very attractive. after dinner i attempted to figure out how to put a picture on here unsuccesfully and then Nick,Cassidy's boy toy, cameover and i left with them to watch a movie we watched secret window it was ok i just about froze but it was good fun. So jordan is one of Nick's roommates and he has a 20 gig Ipod and he only had 300 songs on it!!! it was depressing so i brought my computer over and gave him all 900 songs that are on there it was cool. i just ate a giant cookie it was positively delecious. I am nervous for my second meeting wih my counselor iam going to have to tell him he is right and it just breaks my heart that he was i haven't been sleeping well so i am afraid he will be angry with me oh well. I wish amandawould come home she is over at our neighbors watchung a movie bleh. ok well i am going to sleep i guess until tomorrow.

If All Else Fails

today was pretty good slept through my first class which wasn't good but i was actually awake for religion which is a first i am taking it as a block class so I will be done with it on Wednesday which is sort of a relief not that it was hard or anything it is just hard to stay awake during it. So i am sitting here with my roommate cassidy and we are listening to my ipod and she noted that all my songs are pretty depressing and it is true i guess i never realized it before now. So i didn't study today even though i told mysel i was going to buckle down and get some work done i didn't instead of studying bio me and dakota watched chappelles show it is so funny but at the same time it is so fling flanging dirty and vulgar. It makes me feel guilty so i should stop i suppose. i saw cafeteria boy today of course in the cafeteria and i asked my pal adam if he knew his name and then the whole thing about how i call him cafeteria boy came out and so adam sat and yelled cafeteria boy in his general direction for about five minutes which was just about the most humiliating thing in the world but oh well. So then Adam came over for a bit and we played mother may I for family home evening the boys in our "family" are kind of wack they are really shy so it is hard to connect with them but i think we are making progress. After that we wen and got some pizza and watched o brother where art thou i relaly enjoy that show. I got in bed about 11 planning on sleeping sat in there for about 40 minutes staring at the wall then got up and now i am here with cass just chilling talking about everything ah good times alright i am out

To Jannine

This blog is dedicated to jannine cause pretty sure she is the only one who reads this thing anyways hahahhaha. Jacob is my friend who i met like the second night i was here. I used to have a big crush on him which is odd because he is not the sort of guy i go for. My theories about this weird crush i had on him or these. 1. he was (and still is) the only boy here who would pay attention to me over all of my roommates. My other roommates always catch guys' attention and i just kinda of chill in the background of all their conversations but Jacob was different he started talking to me and continued to do so when he calls even though he is friends with everyone he calls for me. So i think i started liking him because of all the attention i was getting it was nice ya know? And he gave me a record and made a book mark for me and gave me one of his sweaters. So i thought he liked me for a while and then i realized that he is just a player. He has like a million girls that are his friends that he flirts with all equally. The thing about jacob though is that i could never be really close friends with him because he just doesn't care. For instance i told him about what happened with charles and he just shrugged it off like it didn't matter didn't comfort me didn't tell me things would be ok all he said is "that guy is a loser" then walked inside. i just don't feel like he cares meh oh well. So that is jacob nice but nothing romantical going on there.

Today was suprisingly good in a weird way extremely emotional but very good. i found out that i have some extraordinary guy friends up here i can't explain it in a way that any would understand but Chris and Scott gained all my respect this evening by displaying the love that they have for me and my roommates I feel like i have someone i can go to if i need them i feel protected and strengthened These boys are amazing well have good night everyone

Ditched

Remind me to never trust anyone ever. I can't even begin to describe how crappy i feel right now. I was supposed to go to a party tonight at the sand dunes. I haven't been to a party up here yet so i was marginally excited especially since it would mean that i wouldn't be at home another long night. So my pal andrew show up around 7:30 I ask him if he is going he of course is because everyone is. I ask him if by chance he had room in his car for me and one of my roommates he stated that not only did he have room but "plenty of room". So he tells me who will be back around 9 to pick us up. So 8:55 comes and being the weirdo i am i start to freak out a bit thinking that he will ditch us. So i am running around like a chicken with its head cut off and alli is begining to get annoyed. Time passes and it is 9:15 so by this time i am really freaking out. So alli called andrew and he was like oh i don't have room for you guys in my car anymore. Now the sad part is that if he would have called us at 9 or 9:05 then we could have just walked down to the boys dorms and caught a ride with someone else but no. So by the time we get to the boys dorms everyone is gone. So we go back to the dorm and watch a movie again just the two of us again. So everyone gets back at 1 shaking sand out of their clothes saying what a great time they had and of course tonya comes in "jacob asked me a bout a million times where you were tonight" great just great i am going to freaking bed

Fat Free Jalapeno Pringles

weird night/day so my sis calls around 2 and tells me that Charles(my ex) has been telling his make out buddy that he is over me and that i should be over him by now too which is odd considering his last e mail to me which was as follows:

"i'm calling you right now. I wonder what will happen. I have 1 bar of battery left. You don't seem to be answering. Nope no answer. A message huh? Cheerios it is. So I pretty much went with whitney to the concert. It was great. your sister was lame.
she and marcus decided to skip the fantastic opening band. then death cab came out. and they never found us, and also left at the first encore. diana said she was very disapointed or some bullshit. It was amazing and whitters and I had a great time. it took me long because i bumped into alex cook. and i just get angry easily. they invaded my room and spun me in circles. I'm still hungry. ciao babe. whitters and I talked about you and I. i love you so. we are so stupid.
bye!"

that is dated 4 days ago. My sis just got off the phone with me and told me that he also said when he said those things he meant it as he loves me like a friend hmm i wonder if he "loved me like a friend" last weekend when he MADE OUT WITH ME what a jackass. anyhow so being the emotional wreck i am i ended up crying/watching The Princess Diaries/eating ice cream all day great fun i tell you. I do realize that my entrees are coming off as a little pathetic too all you readersout there I swear that i am not usually this weepy/whiny etc. I sound like sucha freaking loser ack. Anyway tonight has been alright i have kept busy ebough not to think about it too much i watched best in show with dakota ali and tiffany and jacob came over here for a while once again with the sort of cuddling and i kinda got mad at him i dunno just with this whole charles thing i don't feel like touching anyone except for hugs from amanda cause she is good at making me feel better. Anyway after the movie me and alli went on a walk and started talking to a couple of guys who turned out to be high schoolers which i just thought was the funniest thing in the world cause alli kept hitting on them. yeah so that was cool anyway i ran into my friend jordan he is cass' special guy's roommate (does that make sense?) and he invited me over tomorrow so that should be fun ok i suppose i should sleep since i will be waking at 10 to go to amanda's soccer game blehhhh i do hate soccer.

Today

So i thought i would catalog a typical thursday for myself. Woke up at 7:35 got ready in 10 min. yes that is right 10 minutes went to health. Listened to crazy teacher rant about stupid things. came home talked with my roomies some and then fell asleep until 11:30 i have got to stop doing that. chilled until about noon when amanda came home and we went to lunch at lunch i saw this kid i met a t the cannery he sat by me and we chatted it was nice he is a cool kid really nice and cute. Isound like i am in freaking junior high. Anyhow came home figured out we ran out of toilet paper so me and amanda and cassidy went to walmart wih Andrew and Guitar Chris. that was grand. When we got back we had to clean becasue we have clean checks every thursday(sad isn't it?) After that i went to amanda's soccer game they won which was good but she was way grumpy afterwards. After the soccer game i went to dinner and sat with jacob and Marcus which was ok jacob is just weird sometimes. So there is this guy that i see every day during dinner and i havea bit of a crush on him pretty much i call him cafeteria boy becasue i am to scared to go talk to him. ANYHOW so as were walking back to the dorm adam adamson started walking with us so he came over and i ended upspending the rest of the night with him we listened to music talked about music and then we went on a walk and talked about all sorts of things it was really cool, i am excited to be his friend he understands me a lot better than most peopledo which is weird because i don't really know him that well. It is kind of scary. So around 11 wemove to the lounge and jacob shows up and starts talking to us and adam asked jacob how we met so that whole story cameout about how socially inept i am. It is weird cause jacob often times does this half cuddle thing where he will have his arm around me and all that jazz and before even the thought of it would have exhilirated me but now it is like a brotherly thing ya know it is a comfort more than a romantic sort of feeling weird indeed i likebeing hisfriend so much better than having a crush on him he is too confusing for words. So i camme back at 12 and amanda returned shortly there after telling me she had just told this guy she likes that she doesn't want a relationshop with him it was hard for her because everyone could see he was using her but she couldn't so she just trusted us and told him to buzz off i am so proud of her. So i did somedamage control and i think she feels a bit better. As forme i am doing ok iamkeeping busy but when i find a moment i tend to revert back to thinking about him all my little crushes are helping a little hey keep me distracted but if i am not doing somethng chances are i will start thinking about stuff i just hate the idea that he is with that girl i just want himback i want him to love me again.