so nice

it is gorgeous outside

there is still some snow on the mountains i will put up a picture because now i have access to the digital camera WOOHOO! today has been nice i went to bed at around 2 and woke up at quarter after 11 so that was nice went to church for three hours came home had dinner with the fam sat and chatted read a little bit and thats about all. so nice and so relaxing

Saturday April 29, 2006

Today has been good but exhausting. Last night was fun though. Cass’ best friend Melissa and her friend nick came over and we sat and talked, nick is hilarious we have very similar senses of humor so we had some fun we decided to go to the mall and attempted “dollar on a string” but we were unsuccessful after being there for around 20 minutes my family showed up and we went to dinner it was great.

Today I got up at 6:30 took a shower cleaned up finished packing and the fam came at 8 then we walked around campus for a bit said good bye to everyone and we were off. I got back home at 1 and started unpacking called whit and she invited me to lunch with her parents at 2 so went and did that which was awesome came back home and unpacked some more. Then me and whit went and drove around and chilled went and got elise and headed to whitney’s where we just sort of chatted and watched tv then we decided to go to Denny’s where we came up with the genius idea of stealing a shopping cart and leaving it on ziv’s lawn so we did just that. Quite amusing if you ask me.

Today has been hard I have thought about Jacob a lot I kind of wish I would have told him how I feel about him. I know he knows I think he is attractive but it is more than that. I don’t know, I am not in love with him I don’t think but I feel like it is more than just a crush bleh I guess I will worry about it in two years. Ok I am out

because the internet turns off at 11:30 at my parents house and i usually get home AFTER 11:30 i will start posting the morning after

The End

my last day in rexburg i am not sure how i feel. Jacob left at around 9:30 i am proud of myself i didn't cry in front of him. i was asleep on the couch when he came to say good bye he pulled me up into a hug i could feel his heart beating, the feeling of his cheek against mine will stay with me. as we held each other he told me he would write to me and how he would visit when he was in salt lake before going on his mission. he told me to e mail him told me to call him and told me it would all be ok. as he was going out the door he stopped and said that those other girls mean nothing he said "Catherine you are my good friend". and he left.

I cried less than i thought i would, i do feel like everything will be good once i am home and everything.

So i said good bye to griff just now too, matt, megan, griff, alli, kara, and taylor were all going for the last time. They kept asking me to go with them i really didn't want to but they kept asking me why and i couldn't tell them why i didn't want to go. I guess it is just that i hate strung out goodbyes i didn't want it to turn into what happened with jacob i was expecting him to say good bye last night, then at breakfast and finally minutes before he left. I can't deal with that it is to much for my emotions especially when i don't feel well and i am tired and when i am saying good bye to so many others it is just to hard. i hope they aren't mad about that i just couldn't do it i would have cried in front of all of them, why do i feel like i have to justify this.

pleasant

today was nice i got up at 9 sold my books back went to breakfast got some math help took a little nap studied packed studied some more an helped tricia get all her stuff into her dad's car. i am off to take my Theater test here in a few minutes so that will be good when i get back the plan is to pack some more say goodbye to jacob and tricia (two in one night that is harsh ) and then cry for awhile bleh

BWHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA

I am not sure if i have mentioned this before but Tricia is a prankster she LOVES to prank people so tonight Megan was at the clark building finishing up some projects and me and Tricia decided to get her air soft guns and hide behind trees and shoot her and that we did. she was pretty scared. so after we ate ice cream and chips and just chilled and talked i sound a mannequin head in tricia's closet so she said ya know what we do with this? attach it to the end of a mop and go slam it against peoples windows and scare the crap out of them i am not sure i have ever laughed harder tricia leaves tomorrow and that makes me sad so does John Jordan and Nick how depressing but it is all good. i got to meet jacob's brother tonight that was kind of cool he looks nothing like jacob except they have the exact same hair.

Oh i got a B on my american heritage final i am pretty excited about that because it is a fairly difficult class so woohoo i am happy about that we are staying up all night and having fun i will report later

here i am at 5 in the morning

i cannot sleep

i took a bath
i read a book
I STUDIED for goodness sakes

but i just can't sleep i wonder what it is wrong with me all i know is that tomorrow is going to suck
and it looks like i will be taking my theater test on thursday instead of friday which will be good i am debating wether to try and sell back books tomorrow or on thursday i am thinking tomorrow but i suppose i will see how i feel after my american heritage test

ok i suppose i will continue my attempts at sleep

Fantastic

last night was AMAZING usually three or four bands play but last night there were five and all off them decnt enough Sadly Love You Long Time only go t to play three songs before the cops came. i was at something that got busted by the cops woohoo this is a major milestone in my college career anyhow yeah it was like 11:40 anyways so we would have had to leave to make it to curfew anyway but i was really really hyper at the show and when i got back i lay down on tricia and megan's floor and promptly fell asleep so then i moved to my bed woke up at about 8 today in an effort to maintain some sort of healthy sleeping pattern so i was proud of myself but then i kinda took a hour and a half nap just now (i don't know what my problem is) but i did study quite a bit today so that was good tomorrow i have to go take my test and then stand in line for book buy back so that will be interesting and full of long lines it is a good thing i have a book to read. so tonight we are going to party hard because my next door neighbor whitney is leaving tomorrow and she is getting married this summer so this is sort of the last HURAH! it will be oh so grand deedle doo ok i am off to those races

deedle doo

today has been good nice and peaceful i am getting ready to work my tail off tomorrow so tonight we are going to Love You Long Time's last show i guess they are touring for a month in may and will be in salt lake on the 30th so i am excited for that so whitney is silk screening this onto a shirt and i am jealous

Girl Talk

i am chilling in megan and tricia's room playing truth with a bunch of girls a little juvenile but quite amusing and it makes me happy and i love LIFE because i am going home in 5 days and i made a P I M P E D out card for jacob and yeah it was grand and we ate delecious pizza tonight after twelve of course woohoo

mreh

i feel like i have been slacking in the blog department as of late so here is the basic weekend recap
friday: chilled with tricia while she studied, pillow fight at midnight on the taylor quad
Today: ate breakfast with griffith megan and tricia layed on the lawn with megan griff and mary (i got a little color woohoo!) read my book talked with griff did laundry talked with griff played with tricia and megan got some pizza read my book painted toenails looked at stars (ahhhh)

today has been very relaxing

so tricia jane and whitney have all been raving about this guy in their communications class who is apparenly "perfect" for me so they are trying to set something up for this week so i can atleast meet him before the semester is up things are timed so wrongly.......

i am exhuasted i am out


oh wait i am so curious who is the mysterious visitor from rexburg that frequently reads this blog Reveal Yourself!!! please? i am just curious thats all

what a night

so around 10:30 Jacob showed up looking for me (I think he is realizing we only have a week left) so we were in Tricia's apartment and i said he yso you want to make an audio blog with me and he was like sure so we did it (it turns out it didn't work for one reason or another) and so i like an idiot said do you want to listen to it. remember he is sitting next to me on the couch so i pull up my blog and right as i do so i remember my post from last night so i like a bigger idiot freak out a little and close the window and everything so jacob gets curious and asks whats going on and i said i was angry with you yesterday and i wrote about it. So we are sitting in the living room with tricia and jane and jacob wants to hash it all out right then and there so i skirt around it a bit and we decide to leave so we go outside and run into monica who was going to the library and decide to walk with her so we get to the library blah blah blah and it starts to close and jacob says we should see if we can hide here and stay so i am like ok so we go into a quite study room the lights are off and we hide under desks and he starts asking me more questions about why i was upset so i explained to him how i felt like devotional was our thing and it hurt my feelings when he went off with other people during it and how it hurt that the last devotional we went to he didn't walk me to class because he needed to "mack on some babes" and I could tell that he was really sorry he apologized a ton and said he forgot it was the last time and all that he is so sweet he said "i am coming to your house tomorrow and i am walking you to math" ridiculous boy. I told him all the stuff that i have wante dto tell him that i do need him more than he needs me and that i find him attractive, that i feel so shabby compared to his other girls (he really didn't get that) but it was good so good just to be forthright with him. as he walked me back to my dorm he asked if i would write to him on his mission and i said of course. he held me so close tonight as he hugged me good bye and wouldn't let me go for a while and all this is how i know that Jacob cares about me.


as i walked through the gate i heard him sing "Back pocket tape recorder!' and as i walked up the steps i started to cry i am going to miss that boy so very much he is so very important to me.

ack

i really don;t want to write this paper i should have atvleast gotten my thesis down yesterday the question is painfully involved i am just having trouble picking out exactly what i want to talk about.
today has been good i spoke with jacob at dinner and asked me to come play capture the flag tonight but then decided to cancel (meh) I started packing today white glove clean checks are on friday at 8:40 ack this is getting to be weird the end always sneaks up on me which is ridiculous because i have been counting down the days for a while but here i am wondering if i am ready to never see griff jacob and matt ever again i just don't know.

Some Thoughts

Everytime I get slighted by Jacob it always produces a certain feeling of inadequacy that fumbles around in my thoughts for the remainder of the day. I felt bad when i found out he actually did come and visit tonight but what am i supposed to do just sit around and wait on his all too often empty promise of a visit. I suppose i have always known that I need him more than he needs me. Last semester he is what kept me going for a while there someone i could depend on even with all his back pocket girls i always felt like i was important and that i meant something to him. Now i feel like a chore. like someone from your hometown you don't really like but are obligated to spend a meal with. I would rather he didn't bother. It all reminds me of a discussion that we had in my english class today about expectations. High expectations are good right that insinuates a glass half full person and isn't optimism a good thing? But if I hadn't expected Jacob to sit next to me at devotional today and ask me genuinely ask me how i was and take some sort of interest in my life I wouldn't be writing now and if i hadn't expected him to walk me to class i wouldn't have wanted to be skinny and blonde.

then again if i hadn't expected him to back out on his promise to drop by tonight none of that really would have mattered.

deedle doo

ok i know audio posts are only cool once in a while but i was excited
tonight has been good i watched Say Anything it was excellent i love that movie John Cusak is a hottie for sure. and i have just kind of chilled so that has been pleasant
So i guess Love you Long Time is being featured on Pure Volume's main page so go check out the link and it will be spiffy alright i am exhausted here is hoping everyone is well

This is my last one i swear....

first audio blog of death

hahhahahhaha this is wiggity wack not even the regular sort

What the Crap?!?

i woke up to 5 inches of snow on the ground and a cold blustery day.

but i finished my paper last night and took a test today and will probably take my math test tonight WOOHOO!
last night i got a little burnt out though poor mom had to deal with me crying while she was trying to talk to me about taxes but i was just tired, i went to bed at 12:30 last night and woke up at 8:30 this morning i have to slowly begin waking up earlier and earlier because on the 28th i have a final at 7:00 am so i figure if i start now then by the time it comes around getting up at 6:30 will be easy as pie
pie i say PIE PIE PIE

one time when me and david and whitney were hanging out david kept saying pie but he was more singing it and whitney was so annoyed and everytime anyone says pie i say to my self PIEEEEE arg i need to figure out how to audio post and i will demonstrate

I am feeling the stress

there are certain things that really irk me, things that get me really mad. One of those things is using my stuff without asking me.

so i come home today and alli is sitting in the hall on the telephone listening to my ipod.

i guess it wouldn't bug me so much if my ipod wasn't in my room when i left
that means she went into my room and looked for it found it took it into the hall, it makes me so mad especially since she hasn't said a civil word to me for about a month especially since she has been making fun of my new friends

so i guess tomorrow i will wander into her room and help myself to some things stop to make fun of something dear to her heart and then wander off on my way

arg

so angry

I think i am tired and stressed

I Can't Get No Sleep: Insomnia

i can't sleep it is frustrating I keep worrying i know it is silly but i just can't shake the feeling that diana is not ok I know she is now though I just want to give her a hug and see her i don't know if i can stand two more weeks arg i just want to get back home and work and play i know i have been posting the same thing over and over again but that is all i think about anymore

i am trying to recall how i stopped biting my nails and i can't remember. I do remember putting it on my new years resolutions a number of years in a row but how did i kick the habit? i don't know and that is frustrating i am tired of all of this i wish i could be a better person what is wrong with me is the real question

sleep i need to sleep tomorrow i will feel better it will all go away

i feel icky

i slept till freaking one o clock today ridiculous i have never done that before gross it is not a good feeling. so i found out today mom, dad, james, andrew, and diana are coming to pick me upfrom school in two weeks i am so excited!!!!!!!!!!!! last night i stayed up till like 3:30 talking with megan it was quite a good chat she is a really good converstionalist deedle doo ok here is the plan for today

*finish math assignments
*look over practice test
*Iron skirt
*patch pants
*eat something
*start Medea paper

ok i don't think i am going to be playing tonight which is good i just need to get all this crap done

i only have ten more classes to attend

bwhahahhahahhhahah

meh

ok so i have some more

so at the end of last semester Nick Cassidy Matt( not matt E and not matt mentioned below ) took a little trip last night we decided to do the same it was fun we left the dorm at two and didn't get back till around 4 that is probably why i reacted the way i did this morning to all the craziness i was just tired. matt is a good guy, and we do have a lot in common he is pretty funny and all that jazz anyhow our last hoorah was and i will miss that nickers quite a bit. today has been so long i am going to take a nap right now. tonight i am going to the play Medea it is being put on by the school and i have to attend it for Theater class so that will be fun nice and relaxing to have a little alone time ok i am out

6:34 AM

the last 45 minutes have been the most stressful and frustrating moments of my life so far. at 6:30 my dearest sister called me hysterical and really sick, she told me she couldn't get hold of mom and that she had been throwing up all night and felt like she was going to pass out. so got out of my bed woke poor cassidy up and stole her phone to see if i could get mom and dad they wouldn't answer so i hung up with di and called liz to see if she had a better plan diana was insistent on talking with mom, but no one would answer the phone and andrew wasn't responding to his cell phone either. So diana got a ride over to Liz's and i kept frantically trying to get a hold of mom the longest moment of my life was in between the time i had talked to diana before she was safe at liz's and before i had gotten in touch with my mother. Images of the rape of nanking pushed into my thoughts i couldn't help wonder where my family was and if they were ok. So i called my neighbor she told me she would find my mom and that everything would be ok i can not tell you the gratitude i feel towards this woman right now. Finally my mom called me telling me that the phone in their bedroom was on silent and that she was going to go pick up diana right now.

This is one reason why i despise being up here i am helpless and when faced with a situation like this instead of being able to walk upstairs and wake up my parents, or drive to the U to pick up a sick sister i have to find the means to do so by telephone so frustrating i am so glad i have loving siblings and that diana could trust me enough to take care of her that to me is more imprtant than anything in the world i am so thankful for my loving parents who take care of our every gripe and moan and do so in a loving manner most of all i am thankful that everyone is safe and that i will be home in two weeks from today

odd day

today has been weird I was really angry and annoyed with everyone again but then all the sudden it went away. So that was good i was in a pretty dang good mood, I saw the lovely Matt and he addressed me by name today that was exciting (wow i am a nerd) i also got a ton accomplished today so that felt good as well i did some social problems reading and that depressed the crap out of me, we are talking about war and he had a us read this article about The Rape of Nanking that isn't the same article but you get the general idea of it. it all made me sick and worried. i just worry about david going into the military and getting all walled up and robotic again it makes me sad i don't want him to kill people i just want him to be sweet little david yelling at me to be a better nerdary captain. it kills me to think about him going off and doing war like things i just worry so much i want him to be safe and emotionally and physically healthy and i don't trust west point i honestly don't. ARG i hate the world and all its crappiness.

Blood drivin

so i gave blood for the first time today it was a good experience. I probably wouldn't have done it but i told david that i would for one of his birthday presents so yeah. It was good and i almost crapped out on it because i was really scared but then cass reminded me that it saves 2-3 lives and i felt like i should so i did it and i am feeling pretty good a little sleepy but overall like i have done something worthwhile with my time today. not to mention i did my math projects for tomorrow and now i am going to go read screwtape letters then tonight i will just have to do social problems stuff and then i will be good I was feeling a little overwhelmed this morning when i realized what all was due tomorrow but i am feeling good now so woohoo.

So looking at my blog the past few posts i have been recieving comments from people other than my siblings which is odd to me. I remember when i started this thing i would have killed for a group of readers like Stolie has. and now that i have the stat conter and all that i am almost uncomfortable with it but not really at the same time, it is weird that people actually bother to read this I guess because it is just poorly written whining about my life but anyhow i appreciate the comments and for you guys visiting everyday.

aha

last night i had the most wonderful dream. I was sitting on the back deck at my house in sandy with my good friend preston. we were sitting in these really comfortable chairs in the shade the sky was clear and blue and there was a light wind rustling green leaves and we just sat and talked i don't remeber about what but i was incredibly content i remember breathing in deep;y and smelling summer ahhhhh then he turned to me and said "I keep forgetting it isn't summer yet" and i woke up ACK wonderful but incredibly frustrating i only have 16 more classes to attend bwhahahahahahaha

My house always gets a particular smell in the summer especially my basement i can't describe it but it is WONDERFUL ahhhhhhh i am dieing to get home.

more mixed feelings though
Chances are i will never see jacob ever again i am pretty sure he is going to BYU provo when he gets back from finland that is really sad to me i love jacob he has been such a good friend to me last semester he was the one i turned to when i was upset i will be sad to lose him

wohoo?

So i got a phone call from my dearest whit last night around one whe was pretty upset. it seems that david might return home at the end of this month instead of in the middle of june whit doesn't want him to come back yet which is very understandable i totally see where she is coming from and david doesn't want to come back yet because he will just be chilling for two months before he leaves for west point. it is kind of weird because i was happy to hear that, i want him to come back because he will return right when i do. but then me and whit talked about it and it is not like we would all be able to hang out again like old times which is horribly depressing i hate change. So there it is i want him to return but at the same time i don't because it will just be one more thing to balance especially if whit and david don't want to hang out together arg ok i am going to go study or something.

Annoyed

I don't feel well today and so i am incredibly irritable i feel bad i shouldn't take my unhappiness out on the people around me but part of me says the freaking deserve it arg. i am going to bed early tonight in order tto stave off whatever bug i have i am hoping tomorrow morning my body won't hurt and i can drag myself out of bed earlier than 10 minutes before class starts blehg ok off i go

A Second Wind

So I am on the shuttle right now woohoo luckily I have good old Thelma to keep me company (that is my computer) oh yeah I came home from spring break last week and found on a little post it note on my desk that Thelma is greek, it means Will, Volition or nursing. I thought it was humorous anyhow today was awesome, church was so good. this weekend has been incredibly inspiring. This kid named Colby got up and bore his testimony he has changed so much since the summer. I hung out with him once during the summer with david and Colby had such a negative effect on him so I had some decently bad feelings towards this kid but then during Christmas he came over to hang out with Andrew and I could tell that something had happened he seemed so different then today he just got up and cried and talked about Christ it was amazing. Afterwards I went over him to tell him he did a good job and he gave me the most sweet hug I have ever received, I am very impressed with this boy and I am hoping I can get to know him a little better this summer.

So I am making CD’s for these three kids in my math class cause they are awesome but I am having trouble, to me lyrics and music convey so much and I worry that the songs on the guys’ CD’s will have them assuming things that I don’t mean oh well I suppose I probably wont see them ever again so it doesn’t matter. Alright I am off to stare in to the darkness.

405

Ahh ok I have a had a lot of thoughts today. Good productive thoughts I think. Some not so good but still good. First off I am deleting Ziv off of my myspace friends list. This is a little juvenile I know but I decided I am through, I don’t want to do this anymore I am done with him wholly and completely, he is not nice despite my efforts to convince myself that is my conclusion, he is not good for me he is not a good friend not even a friend at all he is selfish and self centered I am through this is me Moving On.

Before things started with my first boyfriend I had a discussion with my sister, she had recently broken up with her first boyfriend whom she cared about very much. I was worried about this new relationship and I asked her If the good out weighed the bad in the end and she said whole heartedly that yes it did. Looking back on me and Ziv’s relationship I am not sure if that is the case the past twelve months have been devoted to wasting my time on something completely and utterly fruitless. I am angry, at myself mostly, for letting this joke of a relationship prevent me from enjoying my first semester of college even the slightest bit. I am angry at myself for not being able to find it in me to put aside all that crap and get out of my comfort zone. I am angry that I couldn’t find it in myself to say I am better then this I don’t deserve it. But most of all I am angry that I didn’t have a chance to develop better relationships with some of the girls in my dorm that I am friends with now all because I couldn’t look past my own stupid problems to see them.

I feel like I have rectified myself in this to a certain extent with getting involved in book club and the theater and literature board but that still doesn’t give me back that semester or all that time I spent mourning the loss of something untrue. I feel like I need to make this up to myself some how and I plan on doing that by having a fantastic summer, I am going to work and play and be with my family as much as possible and I won’t be wasting my time on boys that are undeserving. This is the plan, I won’t talk to him, and if possible I won’t see him and it will be done.

This weekend has been great, the memorial today was really inspiring my Grandma was an amazing person I hope I can be like her when I am older.

Three more weeks that is all I have, I am ready to be finished, I am ready for finals, I am ready to be home.
Tonight I talked to my friend Jamie from high school we are going to go see Elise in a mid summers nights dream in may I am excited Jamie is a good kid and I miss hanging around with him, he is extremely intelligent and very cynical and that is why I like him. Ok well it is almost two and I am about ready to pass out the past two days have been incredibly cathartic.

Grandma Win

Winifred passed away on March 31, 2006, in Colorado Springs, Colorado, at the home of Lorna , her devoted and loving daughter, who cared for Winifred in the last years of her life. Winifred was born on April 8, 1922, in Rigby, Idaho, the daughter of S.R. and Veda . She was incorrigibly headstrong; neither people nor circumstances could hem her in. As soon as practicably possible, she ventured forth to a world that was barely large enough to contain her. Winifred served as an LDS missionary in the Windsor Ontario Mission. She graduated in dietetics from Utah State University, served an internship at Boston’s Peter Bent Brigham Hospital, taught at Brigham Young University, then left for the Bay Area to obtain a Master’s Degree in Journalism from the University of California at Berkeley. There she met Clarence Woodrow , a dashing young Civil Engineer and amateur comedian, with whom she fell in love and married. Four children were barely enough to slow her down. When her children were of suitable age, she ventured into the world again obtaining a real estate license, completing her Master’s Degree in Journalism at U.C. Berkeley and starting a consulting business. Upon the death of her beloved husband in 1976, Winifred accepted a teaching position as an associate professor at Brigham Young University. While at BYU, she spent several summers in the Philippines and Israel conducting research. She retired from fulltime teaching at BYU in 1986. Winifred was a consummate teacher. Her children remember with great fondness long discussions with her as she prepared lessons for Church; she always was genuinely interested in their thoughts and opinions. Winifred taught everyone around her by both precept and example. Her reaction to the untimely death of her husband was an indelible lesson in courage and faith to all who knew her. Winifred touched untold thousands of lives-her children and grandchildren are astounded to encounter people in all walks of life who knew and loved her. Winifred is survived by her children, Kevin (Marianne), Douglas (Sandee) , Lyle (Jill) and Lorna (Coleman) , her 15 grandchildren, and her brother, Willard. She will be sorely missed.

A graveside service will be held on Thursday, April 6, 2006, at 10:00 a.m. Richmond, California. A memorial service will be held on Saturday, April 8, 2006, at 2:00 p.m. Provo, Utah.

It was a good service today has been nice.

April 7, 2006

Yes, I heard all that you had to say
That's when it all fell apart
Might be hated, but I can't pretend
I liked you better before

So long, So long
Front foot leads the back one
Go on, and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone
And onto the next one
So long, and I won't be back soon

Yes, I'm be blue, but from holding my breath
Like I have from the start
I'm a villian and I should confess
I liked you better before

So long, So long
And onto the next one
Go on, and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone
Bet you saw this one coming
So long, and I won't be back soon

It's hateful to say, See it this way
Don't even know who you are
But in my defense, I'd do it again
Don't need to know who you are

So long, So long
And onto the next one
Go on, and it won't be too soon
Your gone, Your gone
Are you waiting for something?
Go on, cuz I won't be back soon

It's hateful to say, see it this way
Don't even know who you are
But in my defense, I'd do it again
Don't need to know who you are

So long, So long
Front foot leads the back one
Go on, cuz you won't be too soon
You're lost and gone
And onto the next one
Don't need to know who you are
Don't need to know who you are...

done and done(almost)

I finished mmy paper areound 10:30 around eight i decided that i would explode with horrible angriness if i remained in my apartment so i walked up to the ricks and it was so nice and quite and peaceful so i checked blogs and just relaxed for a bit before i started in so now i just have to do the bibliography and make the corrections that my beautiful wonderful lovely brother helped me out with and then i am finished and i can e mail it to my theater teacher and leave at two tomorrow and go home ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i am sleepy

but i have made great headway on my paper today i buckled down for about an hour this afternoon and ta da 3 pages down two to go i was debating posting it but i am opting against that because it isn't very good and i don't want anyone to read it i guess that means i need to work on it some more meh

oh yes so last night i go to plug in my computer and my stupid powercord is all messed up and i looked on line for how much a new one is and it is 80 dollars yowza but here is the deal only the very tip of it is messed up everything else is fine so i am wondering if i really need to pay 8o dollars for a new one hopefully my wonderful brother in law better known as the apple king can advise me on this one aliright i am off to finish that paper WOOOHOOO!!

once again

i have chosen beaches over writing my paper and here i am choosing blogging over writing it as well ahhh i will get it done eventually i am so excited to go home and aafter this weekend only three more weeks busy weeks but it will be good busy and then summer beautiful gorgeous delicious wonderful summer me and andrew and diana and james all together being awesome ahhhhh i so sosososo can't wait alright off i go to buckle down

oh yeah

worked on my paper tonight it was great well sort of i didn't really get a ton written but i got a bunch of information hopefully tomorrow will be better for me deedle doo i took a nap at like 7:30 cause i was exhausted so i might not be able to sleep tonight which would stink alright i am off to those races

ahhhhhhhhh

ok

so i was walking out of he ricks building after math and i was sad because i didn't see matt and there he was sitting on a bench he says hi so i go over there and we talked for a little bit it made me so happy ahhhh i reintroduced myself to him and he is cute
and it made me giddy

these guys who i sit with in my math class are so ridiculous their names are Steven and Nate Steven is the married one and nate is pretty cute they are funny they remind me of my brothers a lot much sarcasm is used in math class (i mean that is the nicest way possible james) anyhow lovely today was a good day i am little sleepy though here are some pictures of me and mary from the break woohoo

stupid personality test that is pretty accurate

Congratulations. You are BLUE.

BLUES are motivated by INTIMACY. They seek to genuinely connect with others, and need to be unerstood and appreciated. Everything they do is quality-based. They are loyal friends, employers, and employees. Whatever or whomever they commit to is their sole (and soul) focus. They love to serve and give themselves freely in order to nurture others' lives.

BLUES have distinct preferences and have the most controlling personality. Their personal code of ethics is remarkably strong and they expect others to live honest, committed lives as well. They enjoy meaningful moments in conversation as well as paying close attention to special life events (e.g. birthdays and anniversaries). BLUES are dependable, thoughtful, and analytical; but can also be self-righteous, worry-prone, and moody. They are "sainted pit-bulls" who never let go of something or someone, once they are committed. When you deal with a BLUE, be sincere and make a genuine effort to understand and appreciate them.

Understand that no two BLUES are exactly alike. Although you share the same core motivation as many others, your personality is still unique to you alone.


great

so mom called and i was depressed a little and then she called james and liz and they both called and liz sounded like she was really low and confused but it was nice of them to call i love my family last night was hard cause i couldn't sleep and i just thought about how sad dad is and it made me sad and that sort of carried over today and everyone was making me so angry so me and mary went and got ice cream and that was nice she is awesome yeah i hope i sleep a little better tonight last night sucked i read chasing red bird so that was nice i love those books makes me happy ok i am out love you family

ok

some thoughts:


it makes me want to scream when amanda listens to death cab

i hate being here right now i want to be home

i really hate how aware i am that it will have been a year on the seventh

instead of working on my paper i watched beaches

i am feeling a little lonely tonight

i don't want to see dad cry again

i hope andrew and james like their mixes

i miss my sisters and my mommy

i need a hug

april 28th can't come soon enough

your what keeps me believing the worlds not gone dead

as you can see i am continuing the emo theme of my stupid weekend

Home 2

debauchry debauchary i don't know how to spell it but it is an awesome word

my grandma died last night around 7 which is sad but good

General conference is this weekend so we watched that this morning it was really good i really enjoyed Elder Hales' and President Monson's talks you can find them both here AHHHA gotta go play some ridiculous game with andrew

Home

ahh it is lovely to be home again, i got here about 7 on wednesday night me james andrew and karen went and got ice cream and just chilled it was fun, yesterday i got up around 9 and just chilled took a shower listened to music watched tv read a little then Adriana mary and Megan came over and i showed them around the town a little bit i did some pretty emo stuff yesterday that i wont relate because it is embarrasing but i went on a drive which was nice came home had dinner with mom then went over to whitney's house we decied to rent "the triangle" and apparently it is four hours long so we watched half of it last night then another hour of it this morning it is about the bermuda triangle it is decent nothing amazing though ok i am out whit's mom is taking us to lunch woot!

anger?

so i have that last fm plyer thing right over on yonder side bar

it makes me mad because some how it became ok to take my computer out of my room while i am sleeping and listen to cake and head automatica till your brain explodes

it makes me ad because this is not a correct reflection of my musical tastes it is however a correct reflection of alli's musical taste so let me revise yonder list for you all

Death cab
Guster
Fischer Spooner
The Jayhaks
Earth Wind and Fire
Something Corporate
Stars


there ya go

it shouldn't matter but it bothers me

i am excited to go home

i haven't really talked about the whole grandma thing with anyone except with jacob today he could tell i was upset about something and badgered me until it old him he kept saying it is good to talk about things you need to talk about stuff it is healthy and all that
i am so glad he is my friend it was good to talk about it to someone just to get it all out

ok i am off i will be writing from Utah in less than 24 hours!!

unnh

so i guess my grandma is dying, well she has been for a long time but she is really not going to make it this time. I don't know how i feel no i do i am sad i am sad too sad i think i should be happy for her she hasn't been with her husband for so long i don't know i just wish i would have called her last weekend when i had the chance. i hate death i do but i know it is a good thing i just don't want to think about it i wish i could be happier for her (i want to go home)

I have this problem

every time right before i go home i start having dreams about ziv. it is frustrating, i suppose i should stop looking at his myspace, i am just curious i guess and i don''t think i am completely over everything which pisses me off quite a bit. whatever i supposei should try a little bit harder to get over all this i just am not sure how to go about doing that, its been six months i need to move on

the weekend

this weekend was pretty good despite The Date which wasn't all that bad. The problem with joseph is that he is so touchy and weird i just hate it when he touches me so much. anyhow so yesterday was pretty awesome first me and tricia and this guy named Kenson went to the upper playing fields and flew a kite and played soccer a little bit after that we went to the post office then albertsons then DI (i got some pimp presents for dia and whit) after Di we went to dairy quen and got ice cream it was way fun then we just chilled or whatever at like 7:30 we went to this ballroom dance showcase that was alright then we watched hook overall a pretty good weekend i have had and i get to go home in like 3 days!!!!!! i am so excited!!! WOOHOO andrew my cutest ever little brother went to the promlast night and my parents chaperoned aren't they so cute

someone save me from this boy please oh please ackkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk i don't want to go he is coming in like 5 minutes i can hear his icky voice oh gosh help me

oh yes a beautiful day

it was a lovely day today i will tell you what.


i went to the ricks building and i was sitting in the hall doing some homework and lo and behold who comes walking past the lovely matt! ahhh so he says "hi" and i say"hi" and he says "how are you? " and i say "good, how are you?" and he says good and keeps walking sigh ahhh it made my stinking day which is depressing but ah it was wonderful.

stupid date with stupid guy i REALLY don't want to go but luckily(?) we are going to this track dinner for dinner(ps who the CRAP takes somone on a date TO A TRACK DINNER?!?!?!) and kilean will be there so that will be better than nothing i guess meh anyhow i am going to bed

When there is nothing left to burn you have to set yourself on fire

i am sleepy
i had a sleep over at trica's last night it was fun, i have to take a test today that is not fun
today has been decent so i really don't want to go on this date on friday i don't know if i have written about this yet but church date guy asked me out for friday we are going to dinner and then to taylor's birthday party considering i wasn't actually planning on going to the party i am not very excited about this. the plan is to be as unatractive as possible and see if he leaves me alone i saw him at lunch today and wanted to say listen i am not attracted to you, or interested in you romanticaly so why don't we save your money and both of our time and forget about friday to bad i am a wuss alright i am going to go eat

thanks to the lovely diana for getting me hooked on Stars you are great


oh yes and click on yonder gray thing right under my profile link for the music i am listening to

bleh

i am most annoyed with people when i am sick

i don't feel well i got a good ten hours of sleep last night though

i went over to kilean and christines at ten and promptly fell asleep on kilean's bed
tiffany went home today i don't know why she wont be back for about 2 and a half weeks

i didn't go to theater but emailed my teacher my test i hope i see matt tomorrow and i hope i feel better

My Weekend

on friday mom and diana got here around 12 i had just finished painting teck's birthday present



we caught up went to lunch and had some laughs

after that they came with me to theater it was pretty nifty we had some fun

I took them on a small tour of campus we went up to the ricks building and saw some art work of megan's in the spori after that we went to the spring flower show (that is where we stood in line behind the lovely matt) after that we went to dinner with tricia, megan, whitney, jane, amber, matt, Hileri, britney, and their moms it was neat! after that me and diana went to Teck's birthday party which was interesting then we went home and chatted abot messed around on the internet and around two decided to dye our hair. On saturday we woke up at around 10 mom and dad showed up around 11:30 and we attempted to visit the teton flood museum which was closed sadly enough but we went to the library instead which made me happy and now i know where it is woot. after that we went to lunch afterwhich we went to DI and then to the movie Firewalls are the coolest but if one of them was a wall in my room i think i would just put it out with a fire extinguisher , yes thats right, and then i would have this rocking black wall in my room and it would just rock like a rocking rocker from the eighties and then I would just be super cool and I would make all the boys drool and I would never go to school i would just hang out with griff and play pool and everything would be slappy happy nappy gappy flappy! YYEAAAAH ok that was griff sorry

any how we watched firewall


then we went to idaho falls to mom and dad's hotel





then we went to my great grandparent's old house
near the idaho falls temple

then we went and saw the canon that my dad used to play on

and then diana attacked some water fowl



we walked along the bridge




and mom read every single historical marker in sight as per usual

then we went to dinner with aunt susie and elray and his son kevin it was laright it tool a crazy long time so we ended up not being able to go to the show which was sad but meh we went to craigo's i met matt he was cute etc etc me and dia stayed up till like 4 last night so i am sleepy and this is huge

music makes me loose control

no seriously i killed the last unicorn by stabbing because music makes me loose control diana i hate you and i will nurter you till you die if you mention anything but i really love you and i am soo sosososos happy you came

ok

i have been slacking cause diana and mom came up on friday at like 12 and dad at like 12:30 at night. and i have been chilling with alll the fam and tomorrow i will post a hecka cool picture blog about our day quatherine
don't name your child q diana

so tonight me and diana went to craigos and i saw this guy there that i had been seeing everywhere i saw him before math class on thursday and then he stood behind us in line for this thing anyhow so i was telling collin that i thought he was cute and i how i needed to talk to him and all that jazz so collin is like catherine it is really easy and he gets up and goes and sits next to him so after a bit collin comes back and he says his name is matt he is from shelley he went on his mission to maryland he is 21 and wnats to be a school teacher. ahhh so we are all talking and this matt guy comes over and starts talking to us and he looked me in the eye and asked me my name ahhhh and then he said "i was standing behind you in line yesterday" and i got all weird feeling and we talked somemore but then he had to go and i should have asked for his number or something but i got nervous and all that ack he is really cute though


i don't want diana to leave i am going to miss her severly this has been good for sister bonding i feel like we haven't done anything just us two for a really long time i miss spending time with her i love her alrighty look forward to picture blog woot

It was the day i got my computer

he met me and mom at the bookstore and i decided to take the rest of the day off. We went in search of food, to two different sushi bars and then settled at the soup kitchen. I remember leaving my car at his new synagogue and putting my computer in the trunk of his, i was so worried someone would steal it. we parked a bit away and held hands as we crossed the street to the restauraunt i was elated, high on my recent purchase and my unexpected freedom from work. walking back to his car we stopped at a used bookstore where we lingered discussing science fiction novels as we continued walking we stopped in a few more shops, browsing. When we got to his car, instead of taking me back to the synagogue we went to a small russian store somewhere off of foothill he grabbed a paper bag and told me to pick what i thought looked interesting this suprised and excited me as i sifted through the oddly wrapped chocolates i picked the ones that had the most interestong pictures on them. I believe i threw them away, i wish i hadn't.
back at home his mix was the first added to my freshly bought computer,in my excitement i hugged him hard and long not caring that family members were in the next room.

Going back to sandy always is a reminder of days like these and i wish i would have documented them to some degree. Then again it is probably for the best that i didn't i am sure i have forgotten quite a bit which is good but sad.

myspace-ing-er-ly-ed

that is right my friends myspacingerlyed well i was purusing my myspace and i looking at my pictures and was reminiscing and crap and i have come to the conclusion that i miss david and i miss "eating" lunch in the library and i miss the mouse rap and the bust of john steinbeck that ziv stole and i miss that stupid nazi librarian and i miss david a lot and i just want him to be in the inited states at least that way i can ntalk to him on the phone i don't know bleh anyhow here is david and me being crazy

odd

so last night i gave griff the address to my blog in a fit of after midnight madness (as we all know nothing good happens after midnight i am a firm believer of that one) so hi griff if you take the time to read this meh. today was weird really weir i slept a lot and should have studied more we had our first bowling tournament thing today i got a 16 i really really suck at bowling but it was still fun griff and teck dressed up like pirates and came with tricia and megan it was funny and i met griff's mom which was weird but good she seems like a nice lady afterwards griff, teck, megan and I went to hogi yogi for a treat that was fun i am worried about kilean she was being odd today and she wouldn't tell me what was up she just told me not to worry about it and it wasn't anything big enough to get upset about but i think she down plays a lot of things i just worry thats all. i got to talk to my whitters tonight i do love that one i can't wait to go home and i can't wait to see mom and dia woohoo lots of fun i have a ton to do tomorrow it will be stressful i am not excited here is the plan

wake up at 8 put laundry in while washing take a shower then study while it dries go to breakfast study some more go to english be really scared and recite my poem go to social problems study go to math study eat dinner study take test read theater/clean room etc go to sleep


gross i am not excited for this at all ok i am out

Can't wait

i can't wait for my mom to come up this weekend i miss her and my daddy is coming too and maybe my sis ahh good old family nothing better i tell you nothing better it is odd i only have a month and two weeks left of school so weird so weird

Banjo-licious Part 2

so i ended up playing at music outlet tonight with griff and tech and matt but i just strummed a g the whole time and a mic wasn't on me but it was still fun and i am pretty sure some one taped it so y'all can look forward to that kevon (megan's friend from home, who i lusted after last semester) was there with his friend matt i have more of a crush on matt now than i do on kevin he is a lot nicer and funnier and cute i dunno whatever boys are dumb that is all


so my next door neighbor shaylin is dating this guy named justin who stole my hand virginity back in sophmore year (oh what a time) so yeah he came up and visited this weekend (james i realize you are now whistling the harry potter theme song) it was awkward and weird and so crazily out of context. bleh


today has been super fun hanging out with griff and tech writing that song etc. tech is a nice guy but he is being kind of a weiner to megan i guess he acts totally different on the phone with her than when he is around everyone it is dumb it makes me sad megan deserves much better than that it is the truth i love that one i really do

banjo-licious

So Tech megan's special guy suprised her by coming up for this week she is pretty happy. i am pretty happy because i have been given the oppurtunity to fulfill a life long dream----I AM LEARNING HOW TO PLAY THE BANJO!!! WOOHOO i am excited i started last night and i have one of the roll patterns down now so it is a start i have borrowed griff's for now but i think my next investment is going to be a banjo cause that would rock griff wants me to play at music outlet tonight which would be positively ridiculous but there you go any how i am happy because of the banjo and me and this guy would be friends if he were still alive.

awkward

my life is a series of awkward events

many times people have told me "it is only awkward if you make it awkward"

reguardless of what they say going on a date to church, thats right CHURCH, is awkward and would be awkward even if i popped some valium before hand

who asks someone on a date to church anyhow what a crappy date i got to church every fling flanging week probbaly the most awkward point of all was when he asked me if he could go to relief society with me what the crap.

don't get me wrong joseph is a nice guy i am just not interested in him and i am pretty sure he isn't interested in me SO WHY DID HAVE TO GO AND MAKE EVERYTHING ALL WEIRD AND ASK ME ON A DATE TO CHURCH!?!?!?!??!!!?

Sometimes

sometimes i read this kids blog and i can not believe how similar he is to me it makes me feel weird inside here is the most recent



"Sorry for being stuck in highschool so long livejournal. Sometimes stuff happens you can't control, sometimes people change and you can't control that. Sometimes I feel like Corey Matthews sitting at his kitchen table wondering why everything changed. Sometimes I smile because life is going to be okay. But sometimes it's not. It's okay though because there will always be tomorrow. "


creepy creepy creepy

what what

4 inches of snow last night and this morning absolutely ridiculous i got a lovely card from aunt today it was funny she is a good one so tonight me and trica went to go watch a chess tournament cause little taylor was playing in it and my family home evening brother nate was there so i was talking with him doing some harmless flirting and what not nothing to crazy, he was sitting in front of me and he reached back and squeezed my calf? WHAT? yeah it was weird and he did it again. and it was odd i kind of had a crush on him earlier in the semester so i dunno but he is like fresh off the mission and that is scary to me so i worked on my book some more tonight then went to trica's and megan's and was working on it when nate and joseph showed up and said they were looking for me so we were talking and what not and they were talking about dating and i said that i hadn't been on a date up here yet and they were all weird and nate was saying how i didn't hug him when i saw him but i hugged joseph so i was like uhh awkward and megan gave me a pedicure and here are some pictures

Grood

today was grood great good, not good good not bad good, great good aww yeah probably because i didn't take a nap after my first class and was productive and cleaned and took a shower and worked on my poetry book which i am almost finished with after tonight and it has just been a good day very productive off to bed

The Big 19

today (or i suppose yesterday now) was my 19th birthday how odd it is to write that. I had a wonderful day full of presents that actually had thought put into them every gift i reciebed today has sentimental value of some sort tied to it not only because of the person who gave it to me but because of the situations and experiences up here that have made these things so special. so here i go a list of gifts cause it makes me happy:

mom and the fam- From my dearest family i got Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen, three pairs of socks, a gift certificate to old navy, and a phone call from a different sibling every hour from 7:00am until 10:00pm
David- A phone call from taiwan and a wonderful letter that made me grin
Matt Erdman- a plastic elk and one of those velvet coloring things, the elk i must explain--a couple of weeks ago we were talking about utah and i don't remmeber what context it was in but i shouted "i'm gonna go get me an elk in utah" so that is the significance of the elk
Tricia and Megan- made me a pillow a crazy soft pillow, about a week ago i was feeling this scarf of one of their roommates and said i just wanted it to be a pillow so i could cuddle with it so they found material similar to it and made me a pillow also the sang happy birthday to me in the galley of death and bout me a cake
Kilean and Christine- constructed a life sized sheep out of notebook paper, me and kilean have american heritage together and i always draw sheep in her notebook etc. it was wonderful and cute and i love it.
Griff and Alli- gave me a ninja turtles coloring book and some crayons
cass-a-frass- got me some chocolate chip pumpkin bread from great harvest
karilyn- some newe york peppermint patties
tiff- made me a cake

today was a wonderful day one of the best birthdays i have had but i just feel odd i just want my family i just want whitney and david is that bad? i love everyone here and i am so very grateful for all they did for me today but i just want my family i just miss them and i hate getting older i just hate it i have a hard time dealing with change and that is why i think college will always be a little tough for me beacuse i will have to keep adjusting and keep saying goodbye to people being in one place but wanting to be in the other and vice versa i hate missing people i just wish things wouldn't change and everyone i have gotten close to up here could move back to sandy with me or take everyone of significance there up to idaho this has been knawing at me after two more months i will probably never see Jacob or Matt or Griff ever again it just gets me

i am making this collection of poems for english and i have really gotten into it far more than i probably should have but it has turned into a scrap book sort of thing everytime a finish a page i get a little sad the last page i finished i cut up a bunch of envelopes i have gotten from whitney and david and preston and megan and cut out my name in their handwriting and just glued it right on there it just made me sad it all just makes me sad.

one thing tricia had me do is say 19 life lessons i have learned it was good i feel like i have grown a lot even in the past year maybe especailly in the past year i feel like i have so much to think about right now i don't want to waste time with sleep i feel so emotional i just want to call my mom and bawl to her

today has been so good and i am glad that i havefound such wonderul people up here that care about me enough to have made this day special.

lawn gnome tacos lots of em *

yesterday we had a lovely star wars marathon cause tricia steez hadn't seen the original ones so that is what we did from 6 til like 11 we didn't watch return of the jedi but go through the first two me and tricia stayed up until like 4 talking it was fun this wekend has been really chill i have enjoyed it quite a bit

wonderful

i am pretty sure matt erdmann is my hero

how odd

i have been in THE weirdest mood the past couple of days. So last night megan was like lets hang out with my friend kevin from my home town tonight and i was like ok sounds good deedle doo so i figured he was going to be a big dork cause i have seen pictures of megan's friends and they are all nerds so i was like cool. ok so we tell them to meet us at great harvest so i am paying for soup and in walks this kid that i lusted after all semester but just from afar.. i would always see him with his girlfriend around campus and stuff so i got all flustered and went and sat down and megan goes Kevin!! and i was like ack so we got all introdued and crap and i was all shy and stupid cause i am a dork like that . tricia was with us and she could tell something was up so she asked me and i told her that he was a crush of mine and asked her not to tell megan. so after great harvest we went to this jazz band thing and it was AMAZING and after that we went to MC late night which was really pretty stupid and they had this coloring contest so me and tricia were coloring and i say "do you understand why i don't want to tell megan, i just think it would be awkward" and tricia says "well yeah catherine but do realize that megan is sitting next to me " ack i can't tell you how awkward that made me feel but megan was cool with it she always is she just doesn't care it is awesome but i still felt bad. meh anyhow kevin is cute and nice and lovely but he leaves in his mission in like 3 months so that kind of stinks ok i am out

oh yeah i got a letter and a postcard from david it made me extremely happy

mreh

so i have a predicament

there is this guy in my math class and when i first spoke to him i was attracted to him but i have come to find out that he is married. my problem is this i don't know if i am flirting with him or not. when i talk to him i try and keep it friendly but not overly friendly but what if he thinks i am flirting with him what of everyone thinks that i am flirting with him and that i am a home wreaking ho bag so i suppose i just need to either A. determine if i am flirting with him or 2. just stop talking to him all together this sucks

i have these moments of insecurity
all i can think about is ziv and how he is the only one out there for me. and he has moved on

in a month and 5 days it will have been exactly a year since he kissed me should this really take so long to get over what the crap is wrong with me

i keep telling myself your doing great your doing fine when was the last time you even cried over it? i can't remember christmas break maybe
but i am not doing alright if i was i would have been over and done with this within a month just like him arg suck it up, move on
maybe it would help if guys would show any interest in me
maybe diana is right the only solution is cut my hair and dye it blonde not a path i would enjoy pursuing

stupid this is all stupid
i don't need that i am fine on my own

I must be tired*

i saw this add in the wanted adds on the byu-idaho websute adn laughed until i cried:

clicker w/batteries
? 6 3/9/2006 Trevor Lake
i have a clicker (don't know technical word)-(it comes WITH BATTERIES) I want to sell it for $25-30, but if nobody will take it for that, than tell me what you would pay. ill see what i can do.





a clicker? i am really hoping that this is a joke

zzzzz*

i am officially sick last night i wasn't feeling the greatest my head ached and my body hurt but not as bad as it does today so i didn't go to class this morning and slept til about twelve i just feel really weak and icky.

book club was last night it was quite good as i mentioned earlier we read franny and zooey which was good but not as good as catcher in the rye, one quite that i really enjoyed from the book was something fanny said: "I'm sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody." what a statement we had such a good discussion dave started talking about how he was a hipster and how it doesn't even really matter how yeah he has thick rimmed glasses and retro sweaters but that doesn't make him a better person, so what if he likes certain bands so what if he carries a messenger bag it doesn't make him better or more cool or more intelligent than anyone else i just thought that was interesting. we also talked about band dropping which is frequent in that circle of people saying some obscure bands name that no one else knows just because it is cool to know things that other people don't i can't say that i have never done that which is stupid and depressing and i wish i was more secure with myself and didn't bother with all that crap i suppose this goes along with my little experiment this week of not really hanging out i just need to decide if the people i amm with genuinely care about me and if i actually enjoy hanging around them i like books like this that make you think about your life and try and make it a litle better.

we are reading their eyes are watching god next i am excited i really enjoy that book quite a bit. ok well i am off

james the artist

My brother is great, he likes doing caligraphy i haven't talked to him in a long time but here is some of his work.



Last week when I went to the play i saw a young man i recognized sitting on the front row, I do not know his name how old he is or where he is from but he made quite an impression on me about a month ago. I was walkng up a flight of stairs to get to my english class Brand New Colony by The Postal Service was playing on my ipod, as i reached the top of the stairs this young man was standing in the middle of the hal way, he looked me up and down and then moved out of the way, i have no idea why this struck me so much but it did. This Afternoon i saw him in the cafeteria he picked up his plate looked me in the eye smiled then left how odd.

ahh yeah

its a miracle. It got above freazing in rexburg for the first time in months, the snow is melting you can no longer see your breath. but i know as well as everyone else does that this is just the begining of the end

Hindsight

I had a conversation with my good friend michael this evening and it got me thinking. I am knd of getting scared the past few days have shown me that i am getting to close up here i am trusting people more than is good for me. I suppose that is one reason why last semester i didn't make a concerted effort to make new friends because i didn't want this to happen everything is so much easier when you hold no expectations for anyone and when you don't care if they let you down or not. it bothers me that i have let myself do this and although it is no way to live i would rather protect my feelings than have close friends, or anything more than aquaintances for that matter. But this is silly at the same time, last semester i longed for friends now i am not so sure what i want maybe i will try being anti social for a week and see how it goes and then i will decide next weekend if i want to continue all this business of friends. I just want to go back to sandy with whitney and david and ziv and hannah and jamie and elise that is what i want to sit in my backyard on the deck in the dark and talk politics and fluffy stuff and how much we despised dave the librarian gosh i hate adjusting i wnat everyone happy and together i want to be with my family and away from this cold

don't let me let you go

my social problems professor always talks about how male validation is so important to women especially when they are young adults, every time he says that i think ha no way it is not that important to me but i am realizing that it is.


ok so we have already established the fact that i have PMS i just wonder if all girls feel this way take for instance yesterday i was down right depressed i sat in my bed and felt like i would never be happy again and that i had never been more sad in my life luckily i maintain rational thought processes something my roommate said to me once kept me going she said " i never understand why people commit suicide because being depressed normally dosen't last it would go away in a week or maybe even less than that" and that was what i thought if i just go to bed tomorrow i will be happy again just give it a few days and i will be happy again. I hate feeling that way so hopeless and so like i just don't want to do the whole life thing anymore.

i stole this from Thister and thought it was cool


Choose a band / artist and answer ONLY in titles of their songs:

1. Name of band/artist:
Death Cab for Cutie

2. Are you male or female:
"Technicolor Girls"

3. Describe yourself:
"My[your] Heart is an Empty Room"

4. How do you feel about yourself:
"Flustered! Hey Tomcat"

5. Describe your ex boyfriend / girlfriend:
"Hindsight"

6. Describe current boyfriend / girlfriend:
"Someday You Will be Loved"

7. Describe where you want to be:
"The New Year"

8. Describe how you live:
"Passenger Seat"

9. Describe how you love:
"I Will Follow You Into the Dark"

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish:
"Steadier Footing"

11. Share a few words of Wisdom:
"Debate Exposes Doubt"

12. Now say goodbye:
"Summer Skin"

This evening i went to a play alone. I am not one who frequently attends social events by myself in fact i am almost postive that i never have before this evening. This experience provided me with a chance to observe which i really enjoy doing quite a bit. One thing that i noticed was a couple sitting near me. They were affecionate but not to the point of being obnoxious, at one moment the gilr turned her head away from he guy, he leaned over and took a good long smell of her hair. it almost made me cry. Goodness i miss that.


This is what happens when i have freaking pms

they play was great nonetheless, they put on School for Scandal and it was hilarious!!
anyhow it was a pretty decent day i am a little down this evening but once i sleep i will be fine i am sure

no good

this day has gone steadily down hill.

i hurt Dakota's feelings at dinner i am angry with myself i cried for the first time this month

this was Ziv's blog today part of me hopes that some of this was ment for me.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006


one for the preps.
Current mood: Head..ACHE

so i figure since you are on my preferred list you won't be insulted to the degree of not reading my blogs anymore because i wanted to post this.. just to remind myself. i would make it private. but then everyone would bitch. I'm gonna bold a few just for my own reasons.

To every guy that regrets hurting her.*

To every guy who knows which girl he wants.

To every guy that's said, "Sex can wait."*

To every guy that's said, "You're beautiful."*

To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.*

To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick.*

To every guy who has given her flowers just because.

To every guy that said he would die for her.

To every guy that really would.

To every guy that did what she wanted to do.*

To every guy that cried in front of her.*

To every guy that she cried in front of.*

To every guy that holds hands with her.*

To every guy that kisses her with meaning.*

To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.*

To every guy that hugs her for no reason at all.*

To every guy who would give their jacket up.*

To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.*

To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for ten minutes.*

To every guy that would give his seat up.*

To every guy that just wants to cuddle.*

To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what.

To every guy who told his secrets to her.*

To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breath.

To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.*

To every guy that believed in her dreams.

To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.

To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.

To every guy that walked her to her car.*

To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.

To every guy that actually listened.*

To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his face.

TO EVERY GUY THAT PRAYS THAT SHE IS HAPPY EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT WITH HER.

This one is for you...

Not all girls appreciate nice guys. There's not many left out there.... (Ziv's Note.. those girls are just ho's or stupid.)

the ones with asterisks are the ones he bolded



bleck i feel nasty it is time for bed

Poet's Corner

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i am finished i am so relieved so happy i can't begin to express it ahh.

around 56 people showed up this evening which was SO good! and around 15 people read which was also really good i am so glad i told james that i would post what i read on here so here it is

no touching please
before i becomes we this must be resolved
in the distant future faith lives there
she tells of kindness, jilting is unheard of
red ribbons turned white once again

wading into that lake everything clouded
and now that i am out i am not yet dry
damp skin recieves kind touches that sting
what it boils down to is trust as an issue



so yeah there ya go not that great but that is how i feel that is the best that i can express what goes on in my head. today was good busy but good stressful but good.
this week is oing to be pretty bad though i have three tests and i have to read franny and zooey i think i can do it all i sure hope so. i wish i could find someone to be attracted to up here no one interests me it kind of makes me sad oh well i guess i will go to sleep

ok

so this is going to be short and sweet cause i want to sleep the weekend was freaking amazing i can't begin to describe how enjoyable it was i love everyone and i am hecka nervous about poet's corner tomorrow ok i am out

long time no blog

as i was trying to figure out what to write about tonight i realized the past couple of days have been incredibly uneventful on the bright side i will be returning home tomorrow we are leaving 11 WOOHOO i am really happy and taylor is no longer coming with me which makes me even more happy too bad i have to take a stinking test tomorrow grr at like 8 meh i can sleep in the car that is the plan ok time to jet next time i write it will be from the lovely Utah

uhhh ok

i have a lot of feelings right now so bear with me

today was great i woke up to DAVID!!!!!! CALLING ME FROM TAIWAN!!!!!!!!! it made me sooooo freaking happy i love hearing him gosh i miss that kid it was funny cause last night i was thinking about how much i miss him and just remembering some good times etc. and then he called and it made me so happy. also i got an awesome score on my english test so that made me really happy as well. this evening we had our theater and literature board meeting which went well and afterwards the poetry workshop that taylor is doing every week met so me and megan went to that and i wrote something there and had to share it it was a different experience, i have written quite an amount of poetry in the past couple of months but i generally don't share it because i feel like it exposes me too much, like people will have too much power overme if i let them see me that closley so sharing was quite a tramatic experience for me and i almost cried not because of what i wrote but more because i was so scared of what their reactions would be because jacob and miles were there and megan i don't know it just made me so nervous. so that was cool afterwards i went to megan's and me and her and tricia watched so i married an ax murderer and ate pizza which was fun. ok


so i have been having trouble crying. i know that sounds weird but like usually i cry about twice a week like a good long cry just to release everything and i always feel so much better but i haven't done that for over a month and i want to so badly like last night i cried a little bit but stupid tears would only come out of one eye WHAT THE CRAP!?!!??!?! i don't understand and i just want to cry long and hard maybe when i get home,

so kilean is dating this guy named collin he is awesome and tonight he called me and was like did she have fun and all this stuff it was really funny and then he was like me and you should go on a road trip and i was like uhhh ok random. and he said you just seem like a fun person to go on a road trip with uhhh ok. we have a galley date at lunch tomorrow so that should be fun anyhow yeah i am going to bed cause i am exhausted here is wishing you all a fantastic valentines day

i feel really gross i don't know if it is just becasue i haven't slept very well as of late or if it is because last night i realized poets corner is a week away (ACK!!!) I am wearing a t shirt to class probably only the siblings and whitney know why this is significant. i can;t wait to go home i leave at 11:30 on friday WOOHOOO!!!!!!!! i am so excited but i am dreading it too becasue after the weekend is poet's corner and that is scary ack tomorrow is valentines day and i don't care. kinf dave asked megan if she was available and i don't care not even a little bit and that is weird i want a nap that is not weird this is the only thing making me happy today

Worst Show Ever

so the show tonight was the biggest waste of time and money i have ever experienced not only did all the bands sucked it is the worst that the belafonte has ever done as well not to mention it was a bunch of freaking high schoolers gross but after that we went bowling and i guess i am going to play on matt's league which should be fun even though i really really really really suck at bowling but there ya go i am massively sleepy but meh james if you and karen aren't busy tomorrow night you should go see King Dave's band play in provo i am sure it would be neat and i love you and call me or something here is the info

Doug called 6:43 URGENT!!!

today has been pretty good a lot of class but i started a new book called Crossing to Safety by Wallace Stegner it is pretty dang good thus far. nothing exceptionally eventful happened today, i watched the office with dear megan which was funny. Now here i am in her apartment just chilling. tonight me and the roomies are going to watch Moulin Rouge at 12 that will be neat. well i am sure that tomorrow's events will incite some better verbage because there is a show tomorrow and it will be grand i am sure.

uhhh

So i hung out with king dave again tonight, it was me kilean, collin, shauna, preston, john, and dave i was so intimidated at one point dave grabbed my pigtails and played with them and sang this odd song it was weird he is cute ack but i am not arg i just wish i could find him unattractive it was a fun night though preston made me feel really welcome which i appreciated i felt bad i just get so shy sometimes at the end the night i just wanted to scream at them all i am more fun then this i promise! arg ok well i am sleepy so i am off to bed

A List

It is not ok

1. to give out my cell phone number to people that you know but i have never spoken to
2. that after they call my phone you ask to borrow money
3. that prior events happened after you treat my best friend like crap and virtually ignore more for three days
4. only talk to me when you want to A. complain or B. talk about boys that are chasing you

Rexburg

I can't begin to express to you how beautiful it is outside the sun is shining the sky is blue and it is frigidly gorgeous.

I ate lunch with dave today, that was nice too.

this town is growing on me and i don't know if i could handle another college after experiencing this one.

AhhhH

I took a break from blogging due to the hectic manner of yesterday. ok. So i finished my book at like 12:30 monday night which was good tuesday i woke up at about 8 so i could study so i studied until about ten then went to breakfast and studied some more afterwhich i went to english. after english i went to lunch and that was good then i came home and prepared for book club i cannot tell you how nervous i was for it i was ack makes me feel gross thinking about it. ok so i did that until 3 then i went to math after math i went to take my test i didn't look at my score i should have but i didn't want to see it because i know if i did bad it would really ruin my night and i needed to be not upset about crap for bookclub so yeah. Ok so every tuesday we have a theater and literature board meeting at 6:15 i have been to about 5 of these proobably dave is also on the board and this week was the first time i have seen him at one. so he showed up a little late and megan was all like i am suprised and i was as well. So he came and sat next to me and whispered "i brought chips and salsa for book club" i told him i was impressed and said thank you etc. then i said that it was too bad that me him and megan would be the only ones who would show up, "catherine", he said with that stupid little smirk of his," don't be so sure" about ten minutes later he asked to be excused so he could pick up some people for book club gave me a grin then went on his way. About ten people showed up so that was good but i was incredibly nervous so i started out the discussion and thankfully two people had read the book previously so the discussion went really really well. after that we decided on the next books we wanted to read which are
Franny and Zooey
A Clockwork Orange
Their Eyes Were Watching God
and another one whos name i can't recall

after book club me megan griff and dave went to this birthday party which kind of sucked but dave came and sat by me and we talked about books which was fun he recomended this book called a heartbreaking work of staggering genius it sounded pretty humorous so that is what i asked mom for my birthday he also gave me this website to go to i haven't checked out yet but it sounded funny so overall yesterday went amazingly well and everything is hunky dory except my stupid ipod wont connect to my computer not even to charge and that is worrisome but oh well i am going to take a nap now because i deserve it!

Worried

1. Poets Corner
a. no one will show up
b. food/ decorations bomb
c. people show up but no one reads
d. people read but it sucks really really really really reallly bad
e. they all laugh at my poem and call me emo
2. Book Club
a. power struggle between me and dave he ends up hating me
b. everyone hates my book suggestions so they stop coming and it ends up being me and megan every time
c. i wont finish mansfield park
d. i finish but no one else read it so i just get blank stares when i talk
e. everyone hates me
3. Next Fall
a. housing
b. housing
c. major
d. everyone hates me
4. Family
a. Mom and Dad
b.Liz and Joe
c. James
d.Diana
e. Andrew
5. School
a. failing
b. failing
6. Whit
a. isn't happy
b. didn't have fun this weekend
c. hates me
7. David
a. is sad
b. will get raped/mugged and can't do anything cause he doesn't know the words for rape and mugged in chinese
c. is drinking
8. Ziv
a. it worries me that i am worrying about him in the first place
b. is drinking irresponsibly
c. has some life threatening STD
d. arg

hahahahhahahhahah

this is so hilarious i think i am going to explode

Finished

a lovely weekend coming to a close how sad my dearest whitney left at 12 today i will miss her so very much. we had an awesome weekend she came on friday we drove around found a hot spot and looked at myspace which was fun then we went to dinner at the galley and she met everyone and that was fun then we went to Last Holiday the movie with queen latifah and ll cool j hahahha and we were the only ones in the theater so we got to make loud comments and we made shadow pupets on the screen which was hilarious we got some pictres of that one woohoo after the movie we went to Kilean and Christine's and just chilled then we went to craigo's and had a ton of pizza and that was fun after that we came home and fell asleep watching anchor man on saturday we went to idaho falls to the mall there and i got some moccasins and a new pair of pants because all of mine are holy we ate lunch etc and then got back at like 6 we sat and chilled for a bit then went to this mexcian restraunt with the gang afterwards we wentto comic frenzy which was funny and she gotto see dave so that was cool after that we came home and watched hook. overall it was an extremely wonderful weekend i sure hope she had fun because i did arg i miss home so bad. After whit being here i look at all my friends so differently because they aren't her and they could never be her i wish she would move here i want to be close with someone again.

YIPPPEEEEEE

so whit decided to come and i am so happy!!!! and i ate lunch with dave right after i found out she was on her way and so i was really hyper and he probably thinks i am insane now but i don't care i feel like i am over him oddly enough i don't feel all weird inside when AHH WHITS HERE I AM GONE

uhh

so i found out tonight that whitney can't come up tomorrow i am going to be honest i cried actually i cried a lot. It sometimes scares me how bad i miss her and it scares me that i depend on her so much but i realize why she is important to me and that makes it seem less weird if you care here is my old xanga account xanga starting when me and whit first started hanging out gosh i miss her.

I read all of the entries on my xanga and i was suprised to see how much my writing style has changed i wish i wrote as well as i did back then now. near the end chronicles the begining of me and ziv's relationship it is weird to think that has almost been a year, reading those entries sure took me back, even with all the crap that came with it i am so glad that i met ziv and i am glad that i could have a relationship with him i am glad that i could love him for a while and i wish we could be friends. i wrote a poem today that i think i will read at Poet's Corner but i am scared it isn't very good no one will get it, my writings are so personal though whitney is the only one who has ever read my stuff because i trust her not to laugh at it because she knows how much it means to me i don't know if i have that much faith in the student population here.

AHHHH

so i have 236 pages read of mansfield park hopefully i will get to 300 tonight i have had a wonderful evening. I got to talk to james, whitney, david, cory, Jil, and briki ahh soo nice. alli is at a dance party tonight i am glad i opted to stay home i had no desire to go and i am glad i had my book as an excuse i want to order a pizza i am famished FAMISHED i tell you ok i should go read deedle doo
OH YEAH

so whit was going to have elise come along with her up her and so she couldn't come until tomorrow exccept elise totally flaked out on her grrr so she could have been here tonight but now she might not come at all because her mom is worried about her driing alone i sure hope she comes i miss her for real woot woot tomorrow is friday and i am pretty darn happy about that

what took me so long?

Be careful what you wish for

i was looking in the mirror today and i thought to myself why can't i see king dave when i feel like i look pretty like i did today.
at approximately 9:20 we smelt rolls and decided to go to tomasittos we sit down and we are just talking when guess who walks in the door.. you guessed it King Dave once again all we talked about is bookclub meh whatever. I just really like the way his face looks it has character kind of i don't know how to describe it, it reminds me of harrison ford kind of but not at all a little weathered i odn't know i just really enjoy looking at his face. and i like talking to him about books i wish we could have a more in depth conversation with him i don't know wishful thinking i suppose i feel like listening to really cheesy music right now like avril lavign.

i am a nerd i know i freaking have to read that book and i don't want to.

pine trees

this is pretty much how i feel today


this reminded me of my mom.