Yellowstone Pictures

bad blogger

I know i am terrible, this week has been a little crazy though. Tim took me up on friday, the drive up was so nice, it was just nice to be alone with him, have him all to myself. We just hung out with Tyleen and Nick, it was so much fun to be with him and some of my friends. Right after Tyleen and Nick went to bed Tim and I were just staying awake talking and staring at each other, and all the sudden the thing i had been wanting to tell him all week long became the hardest words i think i have ever said. I cannot begin to express how difficult it was for me to tell Tim that i Love him, but likewise i can't put into words how happy i was when he said it back. So basically friday was magical Saturday we left pretty early, dropped off all my stuff and then headed to yellowstone, the drive was absolutely gorgeous and the company fantastic as always. In Island Park we stopped off to see the cabin that Tim and his family always go to it was a really neat experience seeing it with him, he told me how it had changed and about some of the things they do while they are there...it was just really nice. In West Yellowstone we went to this amazing breakfast joint called the running bear and stuffed ourselves and then walked around the town it was cool to see all the little shops and everything...Tim took me to this amazing bookstore in which we most certainly made out ahhhh it was possibly the best thing that has ever happened to me, oh goodness. After that we drove into the park we stopped at a few places here and there which beautiful and so cool! I had forgotten a lot about yellowstone and it was really neat to see the geysers and everything. We made it down to old faithful about 1:30 and waited in this absolutely amazing Inn there until the geyser went off....I got to take a nap for a little which was nice, i don't know which was nicer sleeping or sleeping with Tim there watching me. After we watched Old faithful we got amazing huckleberry ice cream which basically blew my mind, and then we continued making the loop from there...we stopped at the lakeshore geysers which i think were my favorite, they had the most green in them :)

we also got to go to the big waterfall up at the "grand canyon of yellowstone" it was pretty awesome. We stopped in canyon for dinner and both ended up crying before getting out of the car, i feel like this was the worst and best part of the trip all i could think about was him leaving and it just being terrible. It was so very very difficult to see him upset especially when i knew that it was my fault he felt the way he did. At the same time i felt so much love for him, so happy that i could spend this time with him so blessed to be able to be with such an amazing person

Dinner was amazing we went to this burger joint there and saw the cutest little kid ever. The drive home was very quiet we stopped at another falls and Tim wasn't saying much it was really hard to keep my composure, I was trying to be upbeat but it just wasn't working. The whole day i had been going back and forth in my head whether to tell him I didn't want to break up with him...the previous week i had felt like i had gotten my answer, and that i did need to just end things but, i kept coming back to it...my mind never settled on it and so finally saturday morning on the way there i decided to pray about things one more time this time deciding that i would stay with him. As soon as i told him i felt peaceful and good, i haven't doubted my decision once since i told him in fact i have barely thought about whether it was the right choice at all...mostly i have just been sad about making him sad, i have been upset that i have made things more difficult for him. some strange things have happened concerning all of this that i don't really feel like putting on this blog but I have only felt more peace and comfort about the situation as the week has progressed.

The moment he left saturday night i began to ache for him and it hasn't stopped yet. He is all i think about and pretty much all i Want to think about. Sunday night he sent me the most tender,romantic, amazing e mail i have ever gotten it was exactly what i needed to hear from him.

we have talked every night this week and although it hasn't been very satisfying it has still been wonderful I love Tim and i am glad he knows it and i ma glad everyone else does too.

I suppose i will post pictures when i get them!

The best words i heard all weekend long

I meant it when i said i love you last night

good week?

sort of

Cass decided that she is going to school which is a relief and a joy for me i wasn't sure what i was going to do without her. This week has been great monday i got home from maddie's cabin and just hung out until Tim could hang out then i went to his place and we went shopping...we went to a thrift store and to target and Kmart, i got some new moccasins so that was exciting, it was a lot of fun to be with him as always. Tuesday was my last day of work so that was exciting it was good to leave ACS, i am glad i won't be working there anymore. Tuesday night i went to Tim's and promptly fell asleep in his arms. Yesterday was a lot of fun as well, Nick and Kallen were in town for the afternoon so I went to lunch with the both of them and then Nick and I went shopping at the gateway and then went down to Ikea it was so nice to spend time with the both of them they are good friends to me. Last night i went to Tim's, I wanted to go to dinner with Ali and Kyle but they both had class so Tim and i went to The Midvale Mining Cafe which was excellent. afterward we went back to his place and just hung out, we were just sitting there and he kept staring at me so finally i asked him what he was thinking about and he got all teary eyed and told me he didn't want me to leave which of course made me cry. So we talked about it a little bit, he decided that he is going to take me up there so we leave tomorrow, stay the night at Nick's in Shelly and then head to yellowstone for the day on saturday. I am excited that i will be able to spend so much time with him, I know it is silly and fruitless and will probably just make everything a lot harder but I don't want to leave him. Last night it was hard to leave his house i just wanted to stay there, every time i look at him i just want to memorize exactly what he looks like and what it feels like to be with him. Oh goodness.

Timp Cave+ Tim= loads of fun

Self Portrait # 6/ all better

Things are a lot better now....Tim and i kinda had a thing, i have just been paranoid that i am a rebound for him after cassie, they only broke up a year ago so i was freaking out about it a little bit and then she calls on monday at like 10:30 and i kind of blew up at him a little and said some really hurtful things but i apologized and he apologized and everything is all better now. He told me that he was genuinely interested in me and that although he still cares about her he has no feelings for her that would get in t he way of our relationship "progressing" whatever that means

This weekend we are going to Timp cave with the family i am sure it will be just great.

Self Portrait # 5

Self Portrait # 4/ Bad day

Tonight it
was not hard
to leave your arms
to peel
you
and her
off of me

Tonight it
was not hard
to see her there
holding you back
while my
relentless emotion
persists

Tonight it
was not hard
to run
to my basement room
where the voice
of the anti-me
reverberates
across my skull

wondering
if in your head, her face
slips over mine
while in the throes of passion
or tenderness

best weekend ever?

pretty much

Yesterday i went with my mom to go hear some local authors speak and i got to have a little chat with Ann Cannon who wrote a book called Cal Cameron by day Spiderman by Night that i have read at least fifteen times. It was awesome being able to talk to her about that book that i love so much.

at around five I got a hold of Tim and we decided to make a our Trek down the Jordan River Parkway....the parkway is essentially a biking/walking path that follows the jordan river along the path there are various parks etc the parkway goes a long ways, all the way into SLC, Tim and i rode about seven miles down to the international peace gardens where we looked around it was beautiful there when we got back to the car we decided to go to this place called the Philidelphian for dinner. It was hands down the shadiest place i have ever been, but it was THE BEST pastrami sandwich that has ever entered my mouth accompanied by amazing onion rings that were like scones ahhhh it was so freaking good. after that we went back to Tim's and i cut his hair for him it was an extremely pleasant evening

Good Night

This week has been so very nice...I have spent a ton of time with Tim mostly just hanging out it has been very nice. Today was great I got off of work at around noon and called Tim to see if he wanted to go to lunch, i drove up to Stampin'Up and got him and we went to chik-fil-a just up the road lunch was good a bunch of his co workers ambushed us because they wanted to see me, Tim told me he had been talking me up, so meeting them was a little nerve wracking and i did a lot of blushing and a lot of awkwarding, Tim is so sweet though he told me that my blushing was adorable and that my awkwardness was one of the reasons he likes me which is confusing....

Tonight we went up the canyon to make a fire and watch a movie on his laptop but instead of watching the movie we just talked and sat with each other it was so very pleasant. I love just being with him. after that we went back to his place and just chilled some more now i am home and i haven't bee able to sleep.

I am excited for the rest of the summer even though there are only two weeks left Tim and I are going to go on a bike ride down the Jordan River Parkway which I am pretty excited about. I am sad that he has to start school next week I am sure we won't be able to see each other as much


well i guess i will try and sleep

The Tim

Last night Tim and I went to dinner with Diana her boyfriend Adrien (who is visiting from Amsterdam) and Ali and Kyle, it was a lot of fun. Afterwards we went and hiked up to Ensign Peak it was absolutely breathtaking there...we could see the whole city. Things with Tim have been going really well, i am feeling a lot less insecure about everything which is nice. here is a picture of Tim, isn't he cute?

Self Portrait # 3

Self Portrait #2

Self Portrait #1

Nick is doing ten self portraits and invited all who wanted to join in....I will be doing verbal as well as visual portraits and here is my #1!


Tonight
I will sleep bare,
No comforter, no sheets

Tonight
I will curl into
only pillows
and headphones

Tonight
I won't think
of what will be
but what is

Tonight
I will sleep bare,
No comforter, no sheets

vacay

Well folks it is that time again. vacation time!!!! I feel like i have gone on a lot of trips this summer (really only two) it has been really nice. Tomorrow i drive to Boise straight from work where i will hook up with Tyleen and then we will drive to kennewick to get Cass and then to the beautiful Oregon coast!!!! I am very excited!

This week has been good, on monday I made dinner for Tim and his roommate Kip and then Tim studied and while he did that he made me read this comic book called The Pirate Club which was....interesting and actually better than i thought it would be, I had never read a comic book before so it was a good experience after that we just talked and cuddled and fell asleep it was a very pleasant evening.

So yesterday i called him and he never called me back and it sort of freaked me out...I know it shouldn't and i know i am being a stupid girl about this but ack it just makes me nervous I hate being so insecure i wish i could just roll with it...he was probably just tired and busy he had a test today, I am sure we will talk tonight I am hoping we will go to lunch tomorrow since he will leaving for the long anticipated Jeep trip with Kyle while i am on my trip, I am sad he won't be back till the 11th


This has kind of been a big week, tomorrow Liz, Joe and Ezra move to Arizona I am pretty sad I will miss them so very much, I feel so lucky to have been able to spend time with them this summer Ezra is so much fun to be around.

well i better go get ready

feeling better

Tim has had a lot of studying to do this week...it has made me insecure because well i am catherine and that is what happens

Yesterday was particularly bad I had convinced myself that he never wanted to talk to me again that he was avoiding me and then he called...and i went to his house, we ate cinnamon rolls watched 30 rock and cuddled it was very pleasant.

Tonight will be good I am going running here in a sec and then i will shower and hopefully hang out with tim some time

I am ready for my parents to be home, even though this week has been really nice i miss them

Wow if I thought having PMS whilst i was single was bad......I feel so insecure right now I hung out with him last night, when I got home and thought about the night i just kicked myself for things i said and did even though i am sure i am just being ridiculous but he hasn't called tonight and I am freaking out I sure he will and that everything is just fine but i can't help thinking maybe i messed things up last night maybe he will never talking to me maybe he is regretting ever getting into anything with me.

bloggy blog

so last friday i went to Tim's we watched Rambo sat and talked and then he kissed me and it was amazing. i kinda threw it all on the table after that I asked him what he wanted from this and I told him i wanted to date him and that i hated playing the game. He told me that was fine and that he hated it too he then proceeded to tell me that he hadn't been active in the church for the past three years and that that was one of the reasons he and his last girlfriend had broken up. I didn't really know what to say i asked him why and he said he didn't want to talk about it so yeah i don't really know

I know i should just ditch the whole idea because I will just end up getting hurt but... I really like him which i suppose is more of a reason to just stop things right now. I haven't decided what to do exactly, mostly I think i need to talk to him before i really make a decision.

While we talked about it it kind of freaked me out how similar it was to my conversation with ziv at the beginning of our relationship i have been trying not to think about it too much but it is hard with work, so much time to think

In the mean time i suppose I will just have fun with him.....Monday i went to his place and while he studied i read my book and then we just talked for a while and watched 30 Rock It was a lot of fun. Tonight he eased on out of class early and met me at the amphitheater in sandy where the Utah Symphony was playing it was basically amazing. Afterwards he came to my house for ice cream and then we listened to records in my room, it was a really great evening. well i guess i should go to bed

oh ben you've done it again

Cath...
She stands with a well intentioned man
But she can't relax with his hands on the small of her back
As the flashbulbs burst she holds a smile
Like someone would hold a crying child

Soon everybody will ask what became of you
Your heart was dying fast and you didn't know what to do

Cath...
It seems that you live in someone else's dream
In a hand-me-down wedding dress
With the things that could have been are repressed
But you said your vows and you closed the door
On so many men who would have loved you more

Soon everybody will ask what became of you
Your heart was dying fast and you didn't know what to do
The whispers that it won't last roll up and down the pews
And if our hearts were dying that fast, they would have done the same as you
I'd have done the same as you
--Death cab for Cutie

nerves

make me insecure

of course at ten to seven
all the sudden my perfectly coiffed hair
begins to look flat
and i can now see bulges that
i thought four weeks of running had gotten rid of
my hands are dry
i smell like fried food

my teeth aren't as white as i'd like
and my roots are showing

suddenly the thought of going out
without my sweatshirt is unbearable
i curse as i hastily change

so maybe i will bring lotion
and smile with my mouth closed

or maybe i won't

sick

Tim gave me a cold :( i talked to him yesterday and he is way sick, this morning i woke up with a horrible sore throat dizzy achy and stuffy so I am home from work.

It was good to talk to him yesterday we made some tentative plans for the weekend so that will be nice. he told me last night that if he didn't have work and school he would indoctrinate me with so many crappy 80's movies my life would never be the same hahaahha

I wish i could have seen him during the week this week but mreh so it goes

I feel pretty dorky, whenever i talk to him i end up rambling cause i am nervous he probably thinks i am a freak of nature


I getting excited to go to rexburg in a couple of weeks I am ready to be with my friends again

cute picture

me and ezra....i wish he looked happier!

arg

last night was pretty awesome, we went to this cool restaurant that sells fry bread that was amazing and then went up the canyon for a fire afterwhich we went to kyle's and watched The Crow which was ridiculous but wonderful being able to cuddle with Tim... We finally got each others phone numbers so that was good. I guess i kind of expected to hear from him today but he never called it was a little disappointing but diana is right it isn't like we are dating or close to it we haven't ever even hung out alone I just hate feeling like i am all out there and vulnerable and crap it drives me batty.

It doesn't help that i saw preston for the first time today it was weird i didn't talk to him i ran away and then i ran into stupid Kevin Ellis at Liz and Joes it was awkward he got my phone number...i hope he doesn't call blegh everything has just made me feel weird and antsy like my brain won't stop for a second i wish things could be easy and not confusing or painful i wish i wasn't so influenced by emotion I wish i didn't care so much about this tim business

oh yes, the end is near

Today was basically the best fourth of july ever in existence

I got up and ran this morning then Kyle called and he and Tim and Ali came and picked me up, from there we proceeded to mini golf where i made quite the fool of myself, got a sunburn and essentially took Tim on a date ;) he was being pretty cute opening my door for me and what not and being flirty or whatever but mreh...nothing big

After that we went to kyle's and watched Star Trek for a disgusting amount of time, then dia and i went home for dinner. Kyle and Ali came over after dinner for ice cream and we just sat and chatted for a good while it was really funny to see kyle around my parents he was so.....gentlemanly it was weird and hilarious. We then proceeded to Tim's house where we sat and talked for a while....we started talking about Tim again and Kyle said he had talked to Tim about me but wouldn't tell me what was said.....i definitely felt like i was in the 7th grade i think i have posted about this before but i always feel that way when crap like this happens i just feel like a child even though i know that being attracted to someone is just the way things go that it is a normal thing that i shouldn't be embarrassed about but whenever i talk about i am all the sudden transformed into this insecure miserable 7th grader bleh anyhow i was freaking out a little and then Tim called and we all went over to his place where we looked at his yearbook (hilarious) and chatted for a while. we then decided to watch red dawn this heinously bad 80's movie with patrick swayze where the russians invade and they stage a revolt ridiculous.....anyhow tim came and sat by me and we were sitting pretty close and i was like balls to the wall man so i just put my little head right on his shoulder and then before i knew it we were holding hands and cuddling like there was no tomorrow. so very very very nice

the movie ended pretty late but Tim and Kyle wanted to watch more and i probably would have stuck around but Ali and Diana were tired and i most certainly would have done something stupid if i would have stayed....aaaahhhh


but here i am already feeling worried about all this....i think this stems back to the Justin Lord debacle....what if he didn't really want to hold my hand, what if he was just humoring me what if this is nothing and i am getting all excited about nothing at all, what if he is laying in bed right now cursing himself for ever even looking at me


I know i shouldn't even think about this but i really hope things work out Tim is a nice guy he makes me feel....taken care of which is kind of what i have been needing lately

why do i have to feel so massively insecure about everything all the time?

errrrrr

so last night was pretty awesome i hung out with Tim, Ali, and Kyle...I was nervous because it was the first time i hung out with them without diana but it went well. We went to West Fest, this carnival in west valley it was a lot of fun I am not much of a ride person and Kyle refused to ride "those rickety carnie rides" so we hung out while Ali and Tim rode rides it was fun he is a cool guy. While we were waiting he kept asking me when i was going to put the moves on Tim, he had asked me this the week earlier when he took me on his motorcycle and i told him the same thing last night that i did then, Tim doesn't want me, i can't handle rejection again so soon, i don't even know if i like Tim etc etc but Kyle kept on insisting that Tim had been flirting with me all night and that he doesn't do it often so i need to do something about it but i don't know and then i was thinking about it and as all of us were walking through the crowd Tim had offered me his hand....i didn't take it cause i thought he was joking....and he was laughing at basically everything i said and he bought me star trek trading cards (oh my goodness i am the biggest nerd of all time) so anyhow i kept me eyes out for any other sort of things that would prove kyle right and i don't know I think he might be interested in me, he opened my door when we got to the car, told me i was cute when i folded up the blanket he gave me....but i don't know what if he is just being nice and i am not sure if i even like him like that I mean he is really cute he has this huge beard and glasses and he is smart and well read but i am not sure yet bahhhh i hate this game

i just don't know if i am over preston yet and i don't want to waste Tim's time he is 27.... so I guess i should figure out how i feel before i bust out any real moves

regardless of all of that I had so much fun last night it was a great time I hope i can hang out with all of them again soon





"Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
Oh, you're so sure I'll be leaving in the end

Dig a ditch deep enough
To keep you clear of the sun
You've been burned more than once
You don't think much of trust

Man it takes a silly girl to lie about the dreams she has
Lord it takes a lonely one to wish that she had never dreamt at all
Oh look now, there you go with hope again
But I'll be sure your secret is safe with me"

----Carve your heart out

Boo Ya Grandma

2.8 Miles Baby!!!!!!!!!!!!

a potentially awkward encounter at the park thwarted by self confidence

so today i went running down to the park where i have been frequenting as of late as I started my first lap i looked ahead and saw three boys from my high school two of which went to elementary and junior high with me honestly I almost turned around and went the other way, but then i remembered I look freaking good wearing my contacts at least 10 pounds lighter then i was in high school and i was running two miles so i ran past them my second time around i even managed a smile another seemingly insignificant victory in life of catherine!

The weekend was a lot of fun, friday i went to the rodeo with Tricia and some of her friends it was awesome, then i met up with brik and we went to denny's and just chatted saturday i did laundry exercised and then dia and i went to Tim's met up with kyle and Ali and went to an amazing Thai restaurant then went back to Tim's to play the train game and Rock band with his weird roommate.....the kid was amazing at rock band like disgustingly good at it, it was frightening.


Tomorrow The dentist!!

Wednesday dinner with Chris!!

end of this week PRACTICALLY JULY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

summer of FITNESS 2.0

I officially declare this the summer of fitness

i am feeling a lot better about running these days my long run was a measly 2.5 miles this week but i suppose you have to start somewhere

I am so glad i am exercising again (thanks tyleen and cass)I have lost the weight that i gained when i came home so that is good and i am determined to lose thirty pounds by fall I WILL do it!

anyhow I am glad tomorrow is friday

good weekend

i had a great time this weekend friday Me and my dad went and saw Indiana Jones and then dia and just hung out for a while on saturday i read for most of the day and then Dia and I went downtown to the gateway for a chalk art competition afterward we went to this open mic poetry reading it was very good I was too scared to read but maybe next time. After that we went to Kyle's and watched Star Trek it was basically awesome Sunday i went to church but wasn't feeling very well so i left after sacrament and came home and slept and rested my throat is still sore today but i don't have the aches or a fever so that is good.

last night i talked to cassidy, tyleen, matt, and daniel it was very nice to hear from all of them summer is becoming bearable but whenever i talk to anyone i just start missing rexburg so bad


I went to the dentist today 4 cavities :( it is weird i never had a cavity until i turned twenty...neither did diana.


This week should be good on friday I am going to a rodeo with tricia which i am excited about and saturday diana and I will be sampling some sort of foreign cuisine downtown before going to open mic again it will be just grand i am sure

Dancing

The past 12 months have been positively monumental in my development as a well adjusted adult. I jumped off a bridge, asked that engaged guy to go bowling with us and have finally told preston how i feel about him, although significant none of these compare to me taking my sweatshirt off and going dancing.

I have never felt more uninhibited or more confident than i did last night with the music pounding and the lights flashing and millions of nasty A teenagers dancing all up on me.

I am no dancer, I just don't do it I am awkward looking and in previous attempts i have snapped my fingers a few times swayed about and then promptly given up to mock those around me. The problem with that approach last night was that the music was too loud to really make any snarky comments to my friends so instead i forgot about them and about the people around me decided i was going to have a good time.

It was surprisingly easy in that environment to just flail my limbs about to whatever sort of rhythm was pulsing in my head, in hindsight i am sure that is exactly what i looked like some girl not knowing what to do otherwise was just wiggling arms and legs in the hopes that she wouldn't draw much attention to herself.

But i didn't care if people saw me i shook my booty i jumped around i threw up my hands and i am pretty sure i hip checked a couple of people on accident.

When we finished it was close to midnight i had gotten four hours of sleep the night before and had to wake up at 5:30 this morning but i didn't care i was sweaty and exhausted but mostly just very very happy.

Its been a good week

probably the best all summer in fact

Sunday dia and I went to Kyle's to watch Star Trek the Next Generation so nerdy but so fun, I really like hanging out with them they are pretty nerdy like me so we talk about books and star trek and other nerdy things that make me happy. Yesterday we didn't have to go to work until 9:30 which was a marvelous change from 6 so tuesday i went and hung out at Liz and Joe's for a while and then got together with Brikaeli. Last night dia and i went to Ali's and watched Spellbound, it is a documentary about the national spelling bee that is hilarious. Tonight I am going 80's dancing in Salt lake with Elise and Whitney....I am not very excited but i figure i will try it once if i don't like it i don't have to do it again. This week has gone by so fast I am glad that tomorrow is friday

Tyleen Cass and I have been planning our trip for august and i am really excited it will be awesome to go explore a new city and see the ocean. well i should probably go shower etc

aha

I could most certainly see my breath when i went running this afternoon, how depressing. I had a crazy good run today. i hate how one day i feel like i could go forever and the next i can barely go a mile, it is frustrating.

Last night was a lot of fun Tyleen is in town so she came down and we just talked and then went bowling it is so good to have her here I always have so much fun with her.

well I am off

hey baby, can you bleed like me?

So i just finished The Host by Stephanie Meyer i liked it alright about as much as i liked eclipse i think. i am getting pretty sick of her obsession with hot and cold imagery you would think that she could figure out a different way to explain someone touching someone else.

I feel like i have wanted to blog a thousand things but now i can't recall.


I went the singles ward again this week I almost chickened out after sacrament and went home....in fact i got in my car and drove out of the parking lot, but i came to some sort of logically thinking, convinced myself that they were just people in there just like me and i went back, transferred my records and went to sunday school and relief society.

the one really big think i learned, or rather relearned, from sunday is that regardless of where you are or how many people you know the gospel is true and it brings you comfort. After church i felt better then i have in weeks, i know that has been part of my problem also that i haven't been exercising....it is amazing how much not exercising has affected my life i really have been quite miserable for the past few weeks and i am sure it is because i have been stupid about my body and about my spirituality.


I was thinking about next year today and i was worrying a little i just worry that cass and i are going to get stuck with stupid roommates again and we won't even have next door neighbors to take refuge with....I know I shouldn't worry it is far away and there is nothing that i can do about it. These are the times when i truly envy Daniel, last semester i asked him if he was worried about graduate school...moving on....having to find new friends etc and he told me he was worried but not really, he said he wasn't afraid, and that he didn't let it bother him because there was nothing to do about it. i wish i could be that apathetic about things i wish i could take it in such stride but it seems that every tweek to my stupid self absorbed universe causes me to flip out.

but then again i don't envy daniel he moves on with an almost callousness that i would not wish to have, i am grateful that i make attachments, deep and painful as they can be i wouldn't trade that much for all the non-feeling in the world.


grssh i wish i could sleep 5:30 will come far too soon

An Open Letter to Grey's Anatomy

Dear Grey's Anatomy,

I am severely disappointed in the shameless display of stupidity in the season finale of season two. Not only did it convince me to loathe every character on the program but also made me hypersensitive to the fact that i have been willingly watching this swill. As I told Greg, I can only suspend my disbelief to a certain point and boy howdy you were tromping all over that line!

Although you may have made me tear up on more than one occasion in the last two weeks i am now putting a ban on all Grey's paraphernalia in my life no more googling TR Night, no more pausing the DVD with a half naked Patrick Dempsey on the screen and no more debating with sub plot is more stupid the girl with cancer who wants a prom or Izzie's self induced mental breakdown. I am through with you Grey's Anatomy you have served your purpose, maybe next time i get my heart broken i will watch seasons 3 and 4 until that time, adieu.

Distastefully Yours,
Catherine

Thelma, May she rest in peace

Thelma died in her home on Sunday May 25, 2008 of complications due to age. Thelma was a good computer she started out with her owner a few weeks before embarking on college at BYU-Idaho, a vbery trying time in her owners life, Thelma was a good friend to her, she helped her stay in contact with her family and friends at home and helped her make new friends at school as well as helping her owner with countless research papers, essays, projects, poems, e mails, blogs, and many other school related things. Thelma was a real trooper she took all sorts of abuse from various people while still chugging along, keeping a good attitude, and providing hours and hours of fun for all who knew her. Thelma was known to provide much comfort to her owner, she gave her owner companionship during long summers and was always held close while her owner nappped, she will truly be missed.

If there is anyone else who knew Thelma and would like to make some remarks it would be much appreciated

Wherein Matt comes to visit, and there is much rejoicing

matt got here around 6 yesterday we sat and played with Ezra for a while and i showed him around the house and the backyard and we just chatted, we had dinner and then headed out to go hike bells canyon a little ways. We hiked up to the lake and around it a little and got all muddy it was fun and very pretty as we hiked down the sun was setting it was pretty awesome. When we got home we decided to go see a movie so we went and saw baby mommy it was pretty good but there were too many uterus' for matt i think... on the way home we stopped at 7-11 to see if we could get some hot dogs because apparently 7-11 hotdogs are amazing but alas to no avail we had to settle with a pepsi and a slurrpee instead when we got home we just sat in the basement and talked for a few hours and then watched King of the Hill on DVD till we passed out This morning we went to the singles ward that i am supposed to go to it was my first time there and i am glad that matt went with me it calmed me down a lot... the ward seems ok there were a few boys that caught my eye and the girls seem nice enough. We came home and passed out in front of King of the Hill again and then he went on his merry way it was very pleasant.

The one thing i love about matt is that he is so down to earth and so easy to talk to he makes me feel good he makes me happy and he makes me feel so grateful for the friends that i have made at BYU-Idaho.

please george o'malley please comewhisk me away to a medical wonderland

seriously though we are perfect for each other

no regrets

So i have been reflecting on some things that have happened to me in the last few months, in doing so i have decided i have become a lot more gutsy and although nothing has really gone well for me in that respect I am starting to have less of a fear of rejection and failure then previously.

even though this preston thing really sucks i am so glad that years down the road when he gets married i will never once think "what if i would have just told him how i felt" i feel like that provides a sense of relief that almost overwhelms the sadness i have been feeling
I have never been too great at the whole carpe diem thing but i feel like this is a step towards living and thinking like that more often.
i know this is really cheesy but i watched this episode of Grey's Anatomy tonight and the main character pretty much summed it up she says "knowing is better than wondering, That waking is better than sleeping and that even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistakes beats the hell out of never trying"

cass is never gonna let me live that one down
on another note i have to stop being such a pushover, i feel like i have gotten better but something that i remembered tonight really bothered me, I was thinking about my birthday this year, we went bowling and then we went to nick and kallen's to make a cookie monster, there was some discrepancy over where we were going to go to make the thing and dan and matt wanted to go to arbor cove and nick wanted to go to his place i remember thinking that i wanted to just go to our apartment since all of us were there so logically that would make sense but i didn't say anything to them even though i know if i would have just SAID something it would have been fine....we ended up going to nick's and dan and matt just went home, it kind of made me sad and it makes me more sad now. Why is it so hard for me to do that why should i think that any one else's opinion is more important than my own. why should others get what they want and not me?

Cassidy gets pretty mad about this, she knows i do it and it bugs her that is why i love her so much instead of taking advantage of me she gets on my case about it.

alright Dr. Mcdreamy is calling




Also, I recently discovered i am not a surgeon. It was quite disappointing.

day one

i forgot that i had to go to work today and think.

i came home and tried to go running to feel better i only made it half way through my route before breaking down so i just went to brikaeli's she had the pleasure of comforting a very sweaty catherine.

tonight has been better James called to see how i was doing and tyleen called too(i will call you tomorrow my dear) i went shopping with brik it was fun. She is going to help me find some sexy shoes later on this week.

I just keep trying to figure out why i am not good enough and i know that that isn't necessarily it but i can't help thinking, if i was skinnier, more spiritual, smarter, better at school, nicer etc. maybe he would want to be with me then.

I wish it was as easy as just letting it go, i wish i could just be done for good.

the end of an era

or so it feels

Today i did it. Probably, aside from jumping off that stupid bridge, the gutsiest thing i have ever done. I told preston how i feel about him.

he came over we talked about whatever for a while, i was freaking out i almost didn't do it but then i remembered how crappy this week has been anticipating and so i said i have feelings for you....i told him how i was sick of waiting and that i felt like i needed to make sure nothing between us could happen before i moved on. He told me he really valued my friendship and that he cared about me but that that was where it needed to stay.

I only cried a little when he was here when i told him i felt like he was one of the few people i have felt cared about me as much as i cared about them.

It was weird, the moment i told him i felt this overwhelming sense of relief.

I went to Brikaeli's and cried for a while but while I sat there talking to her and her mom i felt really peaceful sad but like everything would be ok

right before he left he told me that I needed to dive into dating with the same sort of bravery it made me want to punch him in the face and hug him at the same time

It is strange i have the feeling like at the beginning of a school year or when i think about graduating from college i feel like there are so many possibilities which is weird because nothing is different.

I really hope that Preston ends up with someone amazing, someone who will love him as much as I know i would.

Pinback

They’re moving earth outside.
The ground is shaking like no beat.
A dense terrible sound.
At once both teeming and asleep.

It seems to me to be a sign.
I don’t believe in such, and yet
It seems to me to keep one eye on the situation’s best.

It’s really not that kind
To terrorize one in her sleep
And if you really tried
You’d probably cut the chase too deep.

It seems to me that that’s a fine way
To keep you off your feet.
Their seems to be no over side
For the two ideas to meet.

Gotta keep your mind on somewhere else.
Gotta keep from thinking of your health.
Strange how your mind works.

It’s good to see you
It’s good to see you go...

Oh no I hit rock bottom.

Thinking

So i have been thinking a lot lately, ten hours of mind numbingly simple work will do that to a person.

the other day Elizabeth said that Kevin Ellis, my ex boyfriend and first kiss, was over at their house---he and my brother in law are cousins oddly enough. Kevin was with a friend and talking to their grandma when Liz came up, kevin remarked to his friend "this is Catherine's sister" Like his friend knew who i was.
This has bothered me, it bothers me that i am a Someone to him, I am a person he talks about to his friends even though we dated six years ago like i am his Ziv or even his Preston.

I am pretty sure not even my closest friends from BYU Idaho would have the foggiest idea who i was talking about if i mentioned kevin's first name, let alone his full name.

It bothers me that that relationship was so important to him but not to me. That rarely happens in my life more often than not i feel like i am putting more into a relationship, wether it be a friendship or a romantic one, than the other person the fact that this was not the case and that i didn't see it for what it was at the time or in the years following definitely makes me want to reexamine the way i view the people in my life.

Yesterday i had the opportunity to hang out with my dad all day. In the morning we went to a service project and then he made me breakfast, in the afternoon we went to the library, went and saw 21 and then he taught me how to mow the lawn. I was so happy to be able to spend time with him. While we were having breakfast he asked me what i had decided to do about preston i have always felt kind of weird talking to my dad about boys but i could tell he was genuinely concerned so i relented and told him how i was feeling he was extremely validating and told me what he thought he listened to me and gave me advice I can;t begin to express how grateful i am that i had this experience I know my dad loves me but sometimes i think i forget how much he loves me.

Also yesterday my cousin Greg moved into our house I am pretty excited about him living here we have never been very close but he seems like a cool guy and i think it will be good to have some more people in the house. So far it has been good we have made plans to attend the next young single adult activity and to watch grey's anatomy.

It was funny he sat by me at church and a bunch of people came up to me asking who "the nice young man" sitting next to me was, i was happy to inform them that he was my cousin.


so what it comes down to is if preston calls me back and can hang out before he leaves to go to provo tonight i am going to tell him how i feel about him, I am resolved to do this, I am tired of waiting, I am tired of not knowing, like my Greg said "balls to the wall"

a few things

1. I love my nephew


2. I start work tomorrow

3. I am so glad jamie is my friend....we went to the library today and he forced me to watch Southpark about World of War craft and it was amazing


4. i can't wait for the weekend

5. I saw the movie Penelope yesterday and it was amazingly girlie and wonderful probably the best chick flick ever

Good News

My plant is alive

i nailed a job interview on friday

hair still looks bad

Daniel's in town

I am going to the FREAKING LIMB'S next weekend!!!!!!!!!

The weather is beautiful

my room is clean

i love my family

COULD SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHY ON EARTH IT IS SNOWING ON THE 24TH OF APRIL!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?

In other news The Poisonwood Bible is awesome and Diana and I are going to apply for a job.

Saturday, It's a special day

today has been good i got up cleaned my room went to the library and then went to the movie Expelled with my dad and Crazy Uncle Doug, it was basically amazing i really enjoyed it. tonight we might go to a poetry reading so that will be cool and tomorrow church it will be grand

anyhow i am out

Weird dream

I just got up.....i had a weird dream

Matt, Daniel, Cass, Tyleen and I went to this cabin, the weather kept changing from like three feet of snow tolike absolutely perfect 75 degrees slight breezeall that jazz, Sharon, cassidy and my roommate from fall, was also there we were all being really mean to her for some reason, we were packing everything up and tyleen was harrasing sharon and i went to find everyone the cabin was set up like my house i went into the back bedroom and daniel was there on the bed i went and sat by him and we talked for a little i then went to try and pack up my stuff but all i had were plastic grocery bags i went n the bathroom and sharon had put this weird mannequin thing in the bathtub it was wearing this wig that i really wanted for some reason so i reached in and pulled it out the hair was sopping and coming out in chunks in the bathtub but i was determined to get it all finally when i did sharon came in and yelled at me about it. I went back to the room where dan was and he was asleep he woke up when i opened the door he told me to com sit by him again i went over there and we cuddled for a little bit until tyleen came and told us it was time to go as we left the room we saw cass and matt coming out of another bedroom and they wouldn't talk to me.......the scene switched and we were in rexburg again the snow was insane so so much of it i ran into this kid named ivor who was in two of my classes and he was like are you going to the grammar review and i was like well it was a take home test i just have to turn it in he just shrugged his shoulders and kept walking i went to our appartment and it was tiny and full of so much stuff you could hardly move i found my test and had to put skis on so i could get to campus to turn my test in i was really stressed and matt kept telling me to go hang out with them but i had to turn in that test then i woke up


today will be good dia and i are going running and going to apply at some places

lunch date

went out to lunch with preston today....it was really nice, i am glad that we are still friends i love talking to him he just makes me feel good. I feel a lot better then i did the other day i think i am ready to start working i am getting bored i really hate looking for a job and getting adjusted to it bah oh well such is life i suppose

last night i hung out with elise it was a lot of fun i need to see if jamie wants to hang out sometime i miss him. i know i should start trying to make new friends but i am not sure about how to do that

i am excited this saturday diana and i are going to an open mic poetry night in the SLC it should be interesting i think....i probably won't read anything but it will be fun to go and listen well i am out

grumpy

This city can eat my poo
it was 80 yesterday and today it snowed

car broke down

no job

not unpacked

plant is dying

hair looks like a hobo's cause i don't have anyone's straightener to use

no friends

i think i would rather it be finals week again

Reflecting

I just finished Till We Have Faces by CS Lewis, i didn't expect to gain much spiritual insight from it because it is loosley based on a greek myth, I was suprised when I found myself recognizing flaws in my character that i previously hadn't when reflecting back on the novel. I have come to the realization that rather than selflessly loving people i selfishly love them.
It has kind of jarred my self concept, I have always considered myself a decently charitable and empathatic person, but when it comes to the people that i love the most I am almost wholly self serving. I think I feel like in order to feel loved by them i require of them some sort of sacrifice and when they are not willing to make that sacrifice i claim them a bad friend, even if that decsion was in their best interest instead of my own.

I suppose this realization comes at a good time as i look to the summer with the hope of new friendships and rekindled old ones, i hope that i don't forget the pain of regret i feel now looking at past and present relationships.

bah

I truly despise the last two weeks of the semester.

take for instance this weekend, which i will be spending with Betsy Geddes, Alfie Kohn, Frodo, Strider, Legolas and Gimli

Bah
BAH! I SAY!

i need to write my list of things i have left to do


i need to find a job


i need to get a housing contract for fall

i need to pay rent

i need to explode into a million pieces

mostly i need to go to the gym and promptly forget about all of the above

WOAH!!! here i am post # 501!!!!! how exciting!

this weekend was way fun

my parents and diana came up for thursday friday and left saturday morning it was so very very nice to see them, just what i needed in fact. I always get so sad when i leave them or they leave me though it is kind of silly

saturday i just chilled mostly then dan matt cass and i went to dinner and just hung out. Today was just about the best easter i have ever had, i woke up to pancakes made by the beautiful janiece and then church was amazing. After church we had a delicious supper of roast and potatoes by cass then we just chilled i took a nap hehehehehe after that we decided to go take some pictures at the skate park so here are some of them. over all a pretty darn good day

I just experienced the most worthless 60 minutes of my entire life.


and i am pretty pissed about it

Surprise!

Today as i walked to my biology class i was literally stopped in my tracks by the appearance of bright green grass outside the Austin Building. Despite the three inches of snow we got yesterday it still peeked through and just made my day.

T.S. wholiot?

so i am reading burnt norton by ts eliot for my christian authors class, i reallly like it even though i don't understand it. I bought the book used and on the inside cover is a a name and address with the class name and section of a student who used the book in the winter of 1974. It made me feel strange finding that, I think that is why i like used books so much....who owned it before me what were there thoughts, why did they sell it.... so thank you Lynda Shultz for perspective and for your clean and conscise handwritten notes in the margins.



What might have been is an abstraction

Remaining a perpetual possibility

Only in a world of speculation.

What might have been and what has been

Point to one end, which is always present.

Footfalls echo in the memory

Down the passage which we did not take

Towards the door we never opened

T.S. Eliot, Burnt Norton

Birthday time again

here i am once again with my post birthday post. It is funny i went back and read my post from a year ago and i wrote something then that i wrote to clint not two days ago, that i always felt this place i am in now would never come and when it did that i would be ready for it and the fact of the matter is that i am not. Yesterday was so much fun, i went to class went to lunch with janiece and cass, had dinner with the dinner group then we all went bowling and made a cookie monster. Daniel was even able to come cause he didn't go ski yesterday, it was nice. But despite being surrounded by people that i know care about me I kept slipping into thoughts about my life and how dissatisfied i am with how some of it has turned out. I feel like last year i thought that by this time i would have figured something out, that something would have changed, but i am still stuck i am still stuck in a place i can't seem to pull myself from not even with outside help. There is no doubt in my mind that i have changed in the last year, that i have learned valuable lessons that i hope i don't forget. But there is something more that hasn't been reached that should have been by now. I feel incomplete. And not just that, the onset of age frightens me, it makes me ache that things won't stay the same that people are going to get married, that my family will disperse further, that i will move on too. One day i will come home to an apartment that cass won't be in, and i will come to college without matt being there. I know i should embrace the transient nature of human existence but i can't i just want to cling to the comfort of my rut. I wonder if this will ever change, if a new year will ever bring me excitement instead of dread and sadness.

Weekend?

We have had an eventful weekend!

yesterday we were all going to go this coffee house in Idaho Falls to see Jared's roommate play his guitar, we decided to go early and go shopping first so we left at about 4. When we got there Cass started feeling sick and ended up throwing up a couple of times at the mall. Cass and I decided to go home and left the other roommates in the hands of the Wheelers. We made it home and cass just couldn't keep anything down, At about 9:30 Daniel came over and gave her a blessing and then he and I went to the store to get stuff for her. We got back and she tried some Gatorade and ended up throwing up blood. She called her parents and her dad told me to take her to the hospital. so off we went. She got an I.V and some medication and we were there till about 2. when we got home we both passed out pretty quickly.

I know this is weird but i am so thankful for this experience. It made me grateful for my friends. For Daniel to be able to use the priesthood. for cass and her strength and humor even when she feels like she is going to die. And also for being able to serve the people i love and care about. I don't know if i could possibly ask for a better night than spending it helping cass out. I feel like she has done so much for me and it is a good experience for me to feel like she depends on me as much as i depend on her. I love you miss cass-a-frass and i hope you feel better today!

Tell me about vision

A melancholy song
pulsing in my head
while i grapple with
platonic touches
clarified by a subconcious mind
A Joyce induced paralysis
cements thoughts

oh ben folds you rock my world

Cold that freezes noses,
cracks teeth.
that seeps through
thermals under jeans
and double layered socks

Weather
that is no respecter of persons,
the kind of cold
that squeezes
warm breaths
into shallow icy blasts

Frigid fingers,
tracing ears
and necks

Thoughts While on the Elliptical Pt 2:

I'll
swish swish swish
till sweat and tears
run rivulets
and pain
of body and mind
are one in the same

I'll
swish swish swish
brute strength forcing
iron to iron
till sadness and exhaustion
form some nebulous
ethereal cloud

I'll
shower
emotion away
running down drains
to some unknown pipe
away from complacency felt
just days ago

Tears, Idle Tears

Tears, idle tears, I know not what they mean,
Tears from the depth of some divine despair
Rise in the heart, and gather to the eyes,
In looking on the happy autumn-fields,
And thinking of the days that are no more.

Fresh as the first beam glittering on a sail,
That brings our friends up from the underworld,
Sad as the last which reddens over one
That sinks with all we love below the verge;
So sad,so fresh, the days that are no more

Ah, sad and strange as in dark summer dawns
The earliest pipe of half-awakened birds
To dying ears, when unto dying eyes
The casement slowly grows a glimmering square:
So sad, so strange, the days that are no more.

Dear as remembered kisses after death,
And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned
On lips that are for others; deep as love,
Deep as first love, and wild with all regret;
O Death in LIfe, the days that are no more!

--Alfred Lord Tennyson

I am taking a break from blogging

I don't know how long i just need to figure some crap out before i continue bearing my soul to the world. Good Luck to all.

I'll have a blue christmas without you

Tonight the impact of the lack of siblings in the house was felt ten fold, dad mom diana and i went and got the christmas tree, as we walked around looking at them diana lamented how she missed andrew and i agreed. We finally decided on a substandard christmas tree and returned dia and left to get the egg nog and only then did i cry and only briefly. We returned and we decorated the tree, and i felt achey but once the manaheim steamroller started playing things felt better. I was going to call daniel to see if he was still in utah and wanted to hang out but i chickened out, we don't really ever hang out just us ever so i thought it might be awkward or something.

Instead i stayed home and made christmas cards and as soon as i pry myself away from stickam (which is like blog lurking times a million and amazing) i will make some mixes and watch stranger than fiction. it should be nice. well i am out

I want to die a little less today

well it is done, the tests the papers the cleaning and now i just have to wait to go home.
today was goodish
i was full of stressy badness and reached my breaking point a lot later in the week than i had anticipated, a hour before my last class i went to the taylor chapel and broke down, i am glad i wasn't around anyone but james called me right then and i talked to him and he made me feel better, he always does.

currently I am sitting in Daniel's apartment with kallen tyleen nick and carly it has been an ok night i have just been sitting on this here couch watching the boys clean mostly i am just tired and kinda hungry. i am excited for tomorrow i get to go home and go with preston to see the King's Singers and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform together it will most surely be excellent. well i don't really have much else (nick, I am watching you hehehhehe)

I want to die

A grand old weekend Cont'd

Holden Caulfield hates the word grand but that is beside the point.

so i thought i would finish up cataloging the weekend because it got even better today. I got up and went to church which was absolutely fantastic and rejuvenating and peaceful and just wonderful. We went to Daniel's and had delicious curry that kallen made for us then matt dan and I all zonked out on couches for a good hour, it was an amazing nap. After we woke up everyone came back over including sadly enough kallen's friends from pocatello who i am not all that fond of but mreh. Nick and Tyleen made amazing peanut butter cookies and Nick and i had an absolutely scintillating conversation about books.....it made my night basically, i forget how much i like to talk to people about literature it is so very nice, after that we came back to tyleen's and they all played games and i talked to my mom who reminded me that i get to talk to my little brother over christmas!!!!!! WOOHOO I TOTALLY FORGOT! anyhow and i read catcher in the rye for a while. then matt and janiece and I watched part of the notebook and her friend Other Matt came over...he is weird...he hit on me...i didn't like it. now i am going to go to sleep and wake up so early and write my paper and go to class and fix my other papers and turn everything in and read animal farm and do ed psych and work and work and work until i want to EXPLODE!!! ahhh i can't wait until friday.

A grand old weekend

this weekend rocked even if i didn't do any homework again. friday we all got together and had pizza then went to the slam dunk contest (not really my sort of event but tyleen wanted to go so meh) then i went with matt to go get ammunition for his gun (HA) after that we played wallyball which was amazing!!! went to horkley's and watched a movie it was quite enjoyable. On saturday tyleen and I went to the store with Kallen then went and worked for a while in the ricks building, after that we came home and just chilled till cass and jared picked me up and we went to lunch. After that i showered and got ready and went with Nick to The Taming of the Shrew, i can't tell you how refreshing it was to be able to do something that i like to do...i guess i will get a lot of that next semester doing FA 100 with daniel too bad he will be complaining the whole time.....

this week is finals week so that will be interesting i am not ready and i am scared that i won't finish everything i keep thinking about it and wanting to just crawl into bed and never come out----one more week one more week i can do it!

pretty lame

I have been pretty bad at blogging since thanksgiving...sorry? I am not sure who exactly i was apologizing to there....
Things have been...interesting. The past three weeks have probably been some of the most difficult of my life thus far, i am just trying to figure crap out about a mission, school, family stuff, boys etc Its funny, the only thing that i figured out really is something that i felt i already new before, I want to be a teacher. That is important to me. I guess i have always thought about it more as a means to an end sort of thing, i was doing it so i could be a librarian. This week i had a conversation with one of my teachers, she told me i needed to become more emotionally invested in my education this is so selfish but i hadn't realized what the impact of my apathy would be, i know that if i don't start caring a lot more i am going to end up being one of those english teachers that everyone mocks and tries to transfer out of their class. That is frightening to me.
well two more weeks that is all i think i can do it, it will be rough but i can.

Still my heart and hold my tongue
I feel my time
My time has come
Let me in
Unlock the door
I never felt this way before

And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummer begins to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know which way I’ve come

Hold my head inside your hands
I need someone who understands
I need someone, someone who hears
For you I’ve waited all these years
For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my day, my day is done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

In your tears and in your blood
In your fire and in your flood
I hear you laugh, I heard you sing
I wouldn’t change a single thing
And the wheels just keep on turning
The drummers begin to drum
I don’t know which way I’m going
I don’t know what I’ve become

For you I’d wait till kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me

fighting sleep so i can blog blog blog

This week has been wonderful we went to my Aunt's for thanksgiving and then today me and diana and the parents went to temple square as per tradition, it was pretty sad with just the four of us but still fun. I am glad that diana and i have been able to hang out this week i miss her when i am not here. I am only slightly dreading school next week i feel like that aspect of my life is the most out of control but i feel like i got a lot done this weekend so hopefully that will ease the stress. The parents are letting me take a car back to school till christmas so that will be nice to have. I am ready to be back with my friends i think. I haven't really done a whole lot of being with people this week i don't know what the deal is but it has been a good refresher. tomorrow will be good i am going to do homework all day then at night hang out with chris---we made plans but i don't know if they will actually pan out or not. Well here are some pictures from thursday enjoy!




Bliss i tell you absolute bliss, there is no comfort like being in the arms of my mother.

cop out blog#2

Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Newspaper carrier
2. chocalatier (how do you spell that)
3. assistant at a nursing home
4. Temp


> Four movies you would watch over and over again:
1. Pride and Prejudice (6 hour version)
2. Better of Dead
3. Moulin Rouge
4. Bill and Ted's excellent adventure

> Four places you have lived:
1. Sandy, Utah
2. Rexburg,Idaho
3. ?
4. ?

> T.V. shows that I watch:
1. The Office
2. Hogan Knows Best
3. America's Most Smartest Model
4. Arrested Development

> Four Places I Want to Go:
1. England
2. Ireland
3. Maine
3. Switzerland
>
> People who e-mail you (regularly):
1. Siblings
2. Parents
3. David
4. thats about it
>
> Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate in general
2. Dad's Pancakes
3. Reed's Dairy chocolate milk
4. spaghetti carbonara
>
>
> Four places I wish I was/ or need to be right now:
1. Asleep
2. doing homework
3. in rexburg with friends
4. with friends here
>
> Four friends I think will respond:
1. I think this is a dumb question
2.
3.
4.
>
> Things you are looking forward to this year:
1. Christmas break
2. seeing James and Karen at Christmas
3. being finished with this semester

Ben Lee

In the rain
I'm walking slowly
there's a light
in your apartmant
I don't know why
I ache for you

and it's alright if you're undecided or,
if you're scared that you might like it or
if it's true, I ache for you

there's no rhyme and there's no reason
you're the secret in the back of my skull
there's no logic, so please believe me
our love's confusing, but it never gets dull

it's getting late
anticipation
and if we talk
communication
and then you'll know
I ache for you

and yes sometimes it's just desire
another problem there you really don't want
but anyway, I ache for you.

there's no rhyme and there's no reason
I know the secret in the back of my skull
there's no logic, so please believe me
our love's confusing, but it never gets, it never gets dull

I ache for you.

I ache for you.

and I'm tired, of so much wanting
and what if, don't even think it
but why not.

there's no rhyme and there's no reason
put a secret in the back of my skull (back of my skull)
there's no logic, so please believe me
our love's confusing, but it never gets dull (it never gets dull)

there's no rhyme and there's no reason
you're the secret in the back of my skull (back of my skull)
there's no logic, so please believe me
our love's confusing, but it never gets dull (never gets dull)
but it never gets dull (never gets dull)
never gets dull
I ache for you

i am home

and here are some pictures:

Denny's run cass me daniel tyleen

BAHA!

Today has been good but stressful, i had to write a paper and then go talk to my professor about it. It was nerve racking but he gave me a B so that was good. After that i went to class and then came home and started cooking dinner then Matt got here (woohoo!!!) and we all ate and now we are chilling in the library "doing homework" well everyone else really is except me. Anyhow I am going to take this opportunity to shout out to Nick (hey nick!) who told me at dinner time that i started blogging before he knew what a blog was....that made me laugh. I am out.

Thoughts While on the Elliptical:

Just because my friends aren't happy doesn't mean that i can't be.

mreh

I got a letter from my brother today it was wonderful! he seems to be doing well, but also a little stressed. Tonight has been good we ate dinner and watched the office and i think i am going to go to the gym here in a little but and then i will watch cass, tyleen and janiece's basketball game at 10. I am glad this week picked up and that tomorrow is friday even though i will just be doing homework this weekend and nothing fun. Matt gets here in about two days i am so very excited to see him again it will be very nice. I am also excited for thanksgiving it will be good to be at home with the fam for a while, and hopefully i will be able to figure things out while i am there and make some sort of decision. Well i think that is all i have to say. I miss andrew. School is hard. Friends are the best.

deedle dee

check out my new link to Nick's (of dinner group fame) blog i am drowning in a sea of homeworky badness......

More than Semi-Awkward Library post

i really do despise blogging in the library but alas....no internet at the apartment for the time being. Things are going ok today, it has been a little hairy but i feel better than i did this morning.
Last night dad and mom called me and the first thing dad asked me was if i had decided if i was going on mission or not. It freaked me out. He told me that the sooner i decided the easier it would be. So i told him i would decide by the end of the year, but it put me all out of sorts i had trouble sleeping last night and a hard time focusing this morning then i talked to tyleen and i realized that if i don't want to decide right now i don't have to, although my parents are an integral part of my life it is nonetheless MY life and if i feel like i need more time to figure things out then i am going to take it. It made me feel a whole lot better about everything.

next week Matt gets here and i am so excited! Except it will be a lot harder to study when he is around i think. I am sad that tyleen is leaving next semester she has been such a good friend to me the past few months i don't know what i am going to do without her.

I register for next semester's classes this week, i am taking this stupid fine arts class with daniel we have to go to a bunch of concerts and crap on campus, i am glad he is taking it with me, i am also going to try and get into the Old Testament class that he is taking that would be fun as well. Alright i must go study or something.

I feel like this week, actually this whole semester has absolutely flown! I am anticipating November to bring great things, matt gets back in rexburg in about 12 days and in 16 it will be thanksgiving break.

My little brother left on his mission yesterday, i did better than i thought i would, i only cried once. I wrote him a letter already and sent it off, i hope he is doing well, I miss him already.
Right now i am in the midst of writing a paper about Dover Beach i think it is probably one of the best things i have ever written, i absolutely adore that poem.

We got our midterms and i am actually feeling pretty good about school, i need to do some catch up work but i feel like good grades are within reach.
Things in rexburg have been wonderful i am reminded daily how blessed and lucky i am to be surrounded by such great people that care about me and love me. Tyleen and Janiece are going out of town this weekend so i am hoping to get a lot of homework done and cass and i have plans to hike up R mountain weather permitting. We started a dinner group...i don't know if i have mentioned that yet, it consists of me, Cass, Tyleen, Janiece, Daniel, and two of his roommates Nick and Kallen. It is so nice at the end of the day to have a good meal and good company to enjoy it with. I feel like it has helped me regain some sort of order in my life. Well i best get cracking at that paper

Home

So good to be here! Cass and i got in at about 1 yesterday, did some shopping went to lunch and then she left, i attempted to take a nap unsuccesfully so andrew and i went to visit Preston which was horrendously awkward and i probably said like three words to him. bah. Then i went to dinner with jamie which was nice, i really like hanging out with him i am glad that we could get together. Then i went home and chilled there for a while till chris called and then we went and walked around and talked. I really like hanging out with chris, he told me he would teach me how to play the guitar which would be cool.

I went to sleep at like 9:30 last night and woke up at nine which i feel pretty good about since i got like 2 hours of sleep the night before.

This morning i got up and went running....about 2 miles i am feeling pretty good about this running thing on thursday me and Cass did about 2.5, i have never gone that far it felt really good. I also measured my waist today and i have lost 3 inches so i am happy about that. I have also lost about 5 pounds since the last time i was home so that is also exciting. ok well i am off to have lunch with the girls....

i did my mid term for a million years today and didn't get much accomplished which is strange since i feel like my brain is going to explode

i just want this week to be over

but i don't because then andrew will be gone

oh yeah....

I am falling for Matthew Arnold

Dover Beach


he sea is calm to-night.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; on the French coast the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand;
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land,
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the A gaean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.

The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.


Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

mmm librarything

i am pretty excited about the new edition to my blog!

So jared came up today it has been good to see him he is a funny boy and so very nice. This evening we all watched the office till nine then cass and jared went to get ice cream and i didn't go with them cause i am trying to be better about eating crap especially at night time so i just hung out with daniel and tyleen till 11 when they decided to go fly kites (hardcore kites of course) with janiece and her special friend eric and since i was cold WITHOUT going outside and since i assumed they would all be back at curfew in a hour i decided to stay home. So here i am not tired and not wanting to try to sleep with no one to talk to because ( dramatic pause) I DON'T HAVE SOME MAN TO SPEND MY TIME WITH

the worst part about it is that i don't even have class till 3:15 tomorrow! I don't HAVE to sleep tonight arg whatever.


chris called tonight it was good to hear from him i sent him a cd a little bit ago and he seems to be enjoying it which makes me happy i still don't know what to do with him he keeps saying little things that are cute and nice that confuse me. i am glad i am going home next weekend so we can hang out again.

alright i am out

BABY!

Like Sands Through the Hourglass...

I feel like drama is stalking me.

It only became my drama when i went home, and i am glad that i am in rexburg again and the responsibility is easing off my mind Now that i am back it has simmered down to those around me. I don't think there is anything that injures me more than seeing people i love hurting and not being able to do anything about that. I feel like that has been the theme of my life the past couple of weeks. I just can't fix people. I can't do anything to help them, all i can do is listen and tell them i am sorry, and it frustrates me.
On the other hand school is going relatively well. I am enjoying my classes.

i just wish there were some light switch i could flick to make things better for people.

Busy Busy Busy

this week has been a wee bit insane.

well more than this week last weekend too

Jared-cass' friend- came up on thursday he is a way fun guy we all hung out and everything, on friday we went to this coolplace called Green Canyon about 15 minutes from rexburg, it is a pool/hotsprings place it was way fun we went with Melissa and JW and it was so good to see them. On Saturday we decided to go to Jackson Hole. So cass and jared and I left at like one went and got lunch there and just walked around it was so pretty and a little rainy which made it better. we got home around nine had some dinner then watched star wars: a new hope it was hilarious. I really like jared he is a way cool kid i am glad i could meet him. On Sunday Andrew came up to rexburg and came with me to church and then all of us went to Mesa Falls after that Andrew and i went on a walk it was so nice to talk to him I will miss him so much when he leaves. he left monday morning it was sad a little bit.

yesterday i had a paper due so i basically didn't sleep and got it finished just in time for class only to find out we didn't have to turn it in yet but i am glad that it is finished and that i can tweak it some.

this weekend i am going home for General Conference Jared lives in utah and cass is coming down so we are all going to hang out again, i am excited to see my family, jamie, chris, and elise.

here are some pictures from the weekend it was a good time